Shh!

I have a secret from the internet, and from almost everyone. Three people besides me know about it. I want to tell people, and I want them to know but the time is just not right yet, so why on earth would I be typing this? Because it has led me to thinking about what a secret means in our crazy little 21st century life.

I am not good at secrets, clearly. I just don't have much to hid from people. I'm proud of who I am. I believe mistakes make us and teach us lessons so I don't mind talking about them. I can keep other people's secrets, it is my own "secrets" that I struggle with. Strangely enough though the most important things in my life I like to keep private. They are mine. In this culture of social media and networking and all that stuff I feel like everything is public knowledge. Everything is for every one to comment on and have an opinion about, but as much as I am an open book there are things in this life that are mine and only mine and not for others to have thoughts about.

I'm not trying to sound like a crazy narrisitic that thinks that people are always thinking about me, but once I post it for the world to see someone is going to have a thought about it, that is just the way people work. Trust me I have thoughts about everything I read. It could be "me too!" Or "really?!?!" or "there are three g's in failinggg who knew?" The point is people will have some thought about what others choose to share.

I'm a nanny so I'm going to compare sharing life events to sharing toys. Sharing can make playing more fun, but sometimes violates a certain reverence for a toy, that special thing that was just yours. There is never any certainty that someone else will appreciate that toy the way you do. Now some toys never carry that specialness. Some it is OK to just share right away, (the "I love peppermint mocha coffee!!!" status of the world) It is the things you've been longing for, admiring from afar, once you have them you can't immediately go around sharing them. You need some time to just appreciate how special it is and you can't fully learn and explore a new toy when other people are looking and playing with it too.

Getting married was the first time I experienced this intentional, somewhat self indulgent secrecy. People have lots of ideas about weddings, they just do and that is fine. My idea is that it is about two people telling someone, whoever they deem it is necessary to tell in order to make it official, that they intend to live their life together and be a family and make choices like a family. This entity could be their god, their government, their family, all of those or what have you. To me it should be the most stress free thing in the world. It should be intimate as it is about intimate feelings and emotions. It belonged to me and I was not inviting the FB world in.

I also think it has something to do with validation. Not telling the world about something for me represents a feeling or rightness. I am so sure I do not need it validated by friends in internet land. This "validation" could refer to a person's comments or just the fact it exist out there. I feel like there is a sense that something is more real if you can lay claim to it in the "public space of the internet." I know the phrase "Facebook official" is a joke but I think it has a seed of truth to it.

I have been contemplating this world were nothing is really secret and people have a sense that they should be privy to everything. The sounds extreme, but admit it, we all get annoyed when someone has a private profile or does not publish her relationship status. Curious minds must know!!!!

I really want this to have some kind of thought provoking, insightful conclusion about secrecy and the internet and privacy and intimacy, but I don't have one. I guess I will end with this. I heard a commentary a while ago I wish I could remember where. The gist of it was that privacy was a 20th century invention and it was no longer relevant. Social networking was the new nosy family and busy body neighbor of the 21st century. I am beginning to think that is true.

New Years Resolutions: A very original blog topic for the first week of 2012

 I'm going to write something oh so original I'm going to write about new years resolutions. I'm awful at resolutions, I usually have a zillion but this year I swore to keep it simple so I can keep them. Good new I lost 15 pounds last year with effort and will power so that one is off my list which feels wonderful. (I guess that is only good news for me no one else would care. Then again I think I'm the only one who reads this darn thing.) I have made two seemingly contradictory resolutions.

1- Enjoy myself more/ be more social
2- Stick to my budget and seriously reduce my debt. I would like to eliminate a 4th of my debt this year and it is well within reach. (Note: MY debt never mind my law student husbands debt I purposely do not think about that.)

So there you have it have more fun and spend less money! Those too will definitely go hand in hand. Right?

They can complement each other more than it may seem. I am budgeting for fun so the money will be there, I will be more fun because I'll be less stressed. At least that is what I am telling myself. Sadly, the fun one will take more effort than the money one.

I had a crappy two years in OKville. It wasn't that I was far away from friends and family. It was my situation that isolated me. My hubby and I were fighting to break away from something that pretty much everyone else seemed to  adored (or worship, it felt a whole lot like worship.)  I was able to find an amazing couple who were wonderful in understanding our troubles but mostly we felt lost. Even the smallest criticism was judged beyond belief.

This is relevant right now because it is the reason I didn't make friends. I tried. I joined book clubs, took classes, but I found myself unwilling and unable to open up. I lied about where I grew up, what my husband did for work and tried to avoid mentioning I was married so that his plight wouldn't come up at all.  So yeah the whole thing (or how I was coping with it) just was not conducive to new relationships so I adjusted. I became very good at entertaining myself. At first I was lonely but eventually I stopped noticing at all. Once I moved back to New England  I assumed I would jump right back into the social world.

As it turned out I don't notice being alone anymore. Entertaining myself is so natural now that it doesn't ever occur to me to call, text, message or visit people. I want to see them, I really, really do but it does not occur to me that I should invite them somewhere. I can find so much to do on my own that I am perfectly fine to just do that. It's like I forgot I have the option of hanging out with friends. Still sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone other than my husband or a four year old, and it is a little lonely. So this year a vow to actually make plans with my friends and maintain relationships. I never thought I would forget how to do that.

Money management is something I've gotten worse at over the years but I'd still say it is a strong point. That being said, money management seems impossible when you are living pay check to pay check. Now that that is not the case for me it's time to start doing what I rock at,budgeting, saving and paying down debt. That is another thing my situation made me forget how to do. Only that time the situation was college. This is what I will be working on this year. I'm pretty excited about it!