Lucky

Turning 25 has been a very strange experience. Maybe I'm wrong but when we were kids I feel like 25 was always the age teachers told us to think ahead to when we thought about our future. Well here I am and this is not exactly what I expected, but then again I never knew what I expected so this is as good as anything else. I'm a first generation college graduate, I have a job I adore that pays me enough so I don't stress out. I have a husband who I love and who I am more and more proud of everyday.

And here is my big secret about how I was able to get all this: it was blind, dumb luck. It's true. I worked hard for sure, but lots of people work hard. I won't say that hard work didn't contribute because it prepared me to take chances when they are presented to me, but the big moments are nothing I can take credit for.

For starters I can look at my job. This is not what I went to school for. I only ever tried childcare because 100's of miscommunications landed me in a place I thought I'd only be a short time. Plus the amazing family I worked for just happened to need a new sitter, plus their first choice broke her leg. That family and I don't think that was luck but God moving all the pieces so people who really needed each other would find each other, but if you are not religious than it's pretty lucky. I found a job I truly loved and an amazing family far away from home. That experience largely contributed to how I got the job I have now. Another contributing factor was a parking ticket I couldn't afford to pay which made me look for extra babysitting work which is how I met this family to begin with.

Then there is J. How he and I have pulled off this feat of being married for what will very soon be four (what?!) years. I have been feeling so so blessed about this lately. I have been seeing relationships fall apart that I never imagined would. People who waited years to get married, until they were emotionally and financially ready. People who did everything right and for whatever reason didn't work out. Meanwhile J and I jumped in quickly, unprepared and it's worked out pretty well. Life isn't perfect and neither are we but most days I am incredibly happy.

I find myself trying to find a reason, something solid that sets us apart because I like answers, but I'm not sure their are any. I have seen people who I believe were very much in love and for some reason things ended. The only two things I come up with are that we are stubborn and we are realist who never expected things to be simple or remotely easy. So two complete bummers for personality traits are apparently our key to happiness?

So I'm up super late with some crazy anxiety tonight. But here's what is strange, I know what I need to do to make it stop, I'm even 100% sure it would work but I don't think I should. Too try to explain: I am still trying to organize our apartment, sort out what to get rid of, and designate shelf space to what I need to keep. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just give up and leave the room and hid in a room that's clean already. I think my normal techniques, in this instance, would be like walking away with the problem unsolved. The catalyst for this little change of heart came, ever so accidentally from J. When I was explaining everything to him he said (sarcastically because he knows the answer) "why are you so angry?" Good question.  I think a very clear picture of why would help me feel  more in control.

So I wrote a super angry list (which I never intended to post) got it narrowed down to an angry list, and narrowed that down to this. I am angry because for two years I was essentially helpless and I was being constantly devalued and the confines of the system kept me powerless. Also I am angry now because no matter what approach I take it still has a toxic power over me and because I don't want to fix it when I feel like a better person would want to fix a problem they saw.

I wasn't COMPLETELY powerless, but J kind of was and that was pretty similar. I could have left, I had to choose between my sanity and my husband and I choose him, mostly because he didn't have a choice and I felt awful leaving. If he had more options and didn't take them I would have left, sometimes it felt like he did but he didn't really and his patience did really pay off in the long run but oh did it ever suck.

But what do I do about this damn power over me? I've tried forgiveness but as far as I could get was pretending. I tried to fake it until I made it for about a year then gave up, or forgot I was trying. I've tried to forget but I suck at that. I've tried mediation to clear my mind, it didn't totally suck. I don't know how mediation is supposed to work but what I read said if an emotion is distracting acknowledge it for a minute and move on. That proved fairly effective at taking the power away from the thing (I'm not even in the mood for typing it tonight which I'm sure is super healthy.)

With that I feel my anger has been acknowledged enough for one night. Off to bed for me.