So I'm up super late with some crazy anxiety tonight. But here's what is strange, I know what I need to do to make it stop, I'm even 100% sure it would work but I don't think I should. Too try to explain: I am still trying to organize our apartment, sort out what to get rid of, and designate shelf space to what I need to keep. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just give up and leave the room and hid in a room that's clean already. I think my normal techniques, in this instance, would be like walking away with the problem unsolved. The catalyst for this little change of heart came, ever so accidentally from J. When I was explaining everything to him he said (sarcastically because he knows the answer) "why are you so angry?" Good question.  I think a very clear picture of why would help me feel  more in control.

So I wrote a super angry list (which I never intended to post) got it narrowed down to an angry list, and narrowed that down to this. I am angry because for two years I was essentially helpless and I was being constantly devalued and the confines of the system kept me powerless. Also I am angry now because no matter what approach I take it still has a toxic power over me and because I don't want to fix it when I feel like a better person would want to fix a problem they saw.

I wasn't COMPLETELY powerless, but J kind of was and that was pretty similar. I could have left, I had to choose between my sanity and my husband and I choose him, mostly because he didn't have a choice and I felt awful leaving. If he had more options and didn't take them I would have left, sometimes it felt like he did but he didn't really and his patience did really pay off in the long run but oh did it ever suck.

But what do I do about this damn power over me? I've tried forgiveness but as far as I could get was pretending. I tried to fake it until I made it for about a year then gave up, or forgot I was trying. I've tried to forget but I suck at that. I've tried mediation to clear my mind, it didn't totally suck. I don't know how mediation is supposed to work but what I read said if an emotion is distracting acknowledge it for a minute and move on. That proved fairly effective at taking the power away from the thing (I'm not even in the mood for typing it tonight which I'm sure is super healthy.)

With that I feel my anger has been acknowledged enough for one night. Off to bed for me.