It's Not Fair

 I've been trying to find peace lately. I have been trying to let things go to and make way for a more calm, enjoyable me. Of course I have my eyes on a giant angry rage road block that I need to somehow get some peace about, so naturally my brain decides to start making peace with something much more insignificant, still it's something and it has had me thinking. I have been coming to peace with the fact that life is not even remotely fair and it's OK.

Growing up I was jealous, very jealous. I felt like every one  had it better than me and more importantly, I felt that I was missing out. Truly I still have a jealous streak, but these days it has more to do with the fact that I want to experience EVERYTHING. Really I want to squeeze every drop out of this life so when ever I hear about someone doing something I have even the slightest desire to do I get jealous. I don't think it's really jealousy anymore, I think it's interest that I as jealousy by default.

When I got to pre-teen and teenager years I thought a lot about everything as a scale. If person A has "this" that could be balanced out by me having "that." If that didn't work I switched to a kind of golf  handicap system for life. In this system I would think "Person B has X, Y, AND Z, but I have had to overcome U,V, and W and if I didn't have to do that I could probably be where that person is right now so it all evens out." (Clearly I needed a life, which I guess was one of the things I was trying to calculate for.)

I don't think I can fault myself too much for my logic. We spend so much time as children and teens focused on fairness. Our parents try to be fair to all their children our teachers (usually) attempt o be fair to all of their students and many youth sports leagues have rules to try to make sure all players and all teams are treated fairly. It makes sense that growing up in a place where there was so much emphasis on fairness that I would expect life to be fair as well. But, of course, life is not at all fair.

Now I am trying to make peace with the fact that life is all but fair. I am focused on making sure I do the best I can with what I have been given and that I feel happy for other people who do the same. When I feel a twinge of jealously I remember that the "what-if" game is utterly pointless and wanting what I don't have is wasted energy. I don't fault people who have it easier than I do and I try to remember that for all the times I've thought "she doesn't know how east she has it" someone has thought the same thing about me. Life is not a contest of who was dealt the worst hand. In the end struggles and triumphs are all relative.

Truly my life handicap system is fairly accurate. These days most of what I want are things that are or were within my reach but I made different choices. These days I try to remember that where I am RIGHT NOW is exactly where I've chosen to be and if I don't like that I have to take it up with me. I remind myself that I am capable of having almost everything that I get jealous of over people for having but I am making choices that involve not having those things and remember why I choice thing 1 over thing 2.

Likewise where I was as a child was largely a result of my parents choices and where other children were was largely a result of their parents choices and the fact that I ever let that reflect on the individual child (or teen) was just plain absurd. (But how was I to know at the time?) I have a feeling most of this is just me being an adult, but I find I am a lot less angry now that I do not expect things to be fair. I am finding much better things to do with all that energy that used to be spent on anger.