Why I'm Addicted to TV

I wrote this a while ago but just now got around to posting it.

My sister laughs at me for being a TV junky. She finds it funny because she says I was never very interested in TV growing up. I've only given it a little bit of thought until this week. Wednesday when I got home from work I looked up a particular episode of a guilty pleasure show and on Netflix and watched it. The feeling was so cathartic that as soon as the credits started to roll I dragged the cursor (or whatever that button on the bottom is called) back to the beginning and watched it again. After that I dragged it to one particular scene and watched it again. I was in the middle of watching it a fourth time when people came home. I suddenly felt silly and shut my computer down to visit with them, all the while feeling very agitated.

This sounds ridiculous and I feel even more ridiculous now that I've written it down. The whole incident has bugged me and made me really think about why I do this. I think I've found a some what suitable answer.

I love TV shows with an element of fantasy ( or better yet  anything unrealistic) to them. This doesn't have to be anything huge, it can be realitively subtle. For the purpose of this post I will say that three of my all time favorite TV show are Glee, The Gilmore Girls, and Dexter. (Dexter does not seem to fit, but it does for reasons I will explain.) All shows are in many ways based in reality but all of them have things about them that the make the audience suspend their disbelief for example many of the musical numbers in Glee, the crazy idallic town in Gilmore Girls, or the fact Dexter works in a police department and no one suspects he's a serial killer.

All of these shows have something other than unbelievable elements to them. The emotions portrayed in the shows are realistic, close to home, and portrayed very well by cast, writers, and directors. This is why I think I've become addicted to TV shows. They allow me to experience emotions with a realitive amount of detachment. Four years ago I was in other my head and I could not deal with the intense emotions I was feeling. That's about the same time my fasination with TV and movies started. I think it is also why I like movies and shows with a very present element of insanity. It gives me enough detachment to allow me to feel really safe in vicariously experiencing emotions that I don't want to actually feel.

I came to this realization while watching the same handful of scenes on repeat. I had decided to watch them based on a converstaion I had with J the night before. I was trying to explain to him how frustrating it was to deal with emotions that I had no right to feel anyway. Spefically feeling protective and responsible for a person who I am not actually responsible for. J could not understand the idea of feelin emotions that I know I shouldn't feel.

It reminded me of an episode we watched once that bought up this exact conversation. In the epsiode a character breaks down about her jealousy of a relationship when she is also in a relationship. J felt she was being a big jerk because she clearly wanted to have things both ways. I found it tragic because clearly she knew she had no rigt to be jealous which only makes the jealousy more difficult to deal with.

Obviously watching this episode over and over was helping me deal with an extremely emotional issue that I couldn't deal with on my own. Or rather, it wasn't helping me deal with it, it was helping me experience it with a nice safe level of detachment. It sounds so unhealthy the way I wrote it, but it's more of an intial coming to terms than anything. I just wrote this to help me think about why it is I've become so obsessed with TV.

Boring Little Update

I can't sleep so I thought I might come here and try to c;ear my mind. I don't really have anything to write so I thought I'd check in with my new years Resolutions. I haven't had a bad first week.


Lose 1o lbs, At the beginning of the week I was off to an OK start, but I was sabotaged w/ a company dinner, a lack of low fat foods half way through the week and getting out of a movie too late to make dinner, I plan to create this weeks menu ahead of time to avoid a repeat of that.


Read 10 books- To be honest a younger version of myself would be horrified that 10 books is my goal. i used to read that in a month, but life has been crazy and I'm a huge believer in setting only realistic expectations for myself. I finished one this week and started another. I really want to get a library card, maybe today I will. If I do not though, I have a lot of reading material here. J has books I'd like to read and I have a ton of anthologies with good stories in them I've never read I feel like I should read them first but I would also like to read something other than a classic now and then.


Go back to church- I tried on last week. Everyone was nice but I am looking for a younger environment. This week I am going to try one in Boston because I really think that's where I will find a younger crowd. 


Get the dogs out for longer walks- I accomplished this almost everyday this week, I'm so proud of me and J . It requires getting up super early on days that we are tired but I feel we owe it to them. 


Practice piano- I didn't do this at all this at all last week. I will do it today though. I feel like checking in weekly may be very helpful to my long term success. 


Be more organized. It was my first 40 hour week in 3 months so this wasn'y a huge priority of mine, But I feel I did all right.

Idle Time

At church yesterday the sermon was about self improvement. Kind of a Christian New Year's Resolution theme. At one point the pastor said something that struck me, because it was something I'd been thinking about. She said that in order to make a positive change you have to figure out what's in the way of that change and why you've been holding on to it. That is a pretty extreme paraphrase on my part, and the sentence is a grammatical abomination, but it helped me get some perspective on something that has been bothering me. 

In the past two years I have become an expert at wasting time. It might be the only thing I am still good at.J and I are addicted to the internet and TV shows. It never used to be like this, but now they seem to steal our time until we don't have time to do the things we once enjoyed. When I think about the root of the problem the answer is so obvious.

Our reality was unbearable. The problem of feeling immoral for his/ our involvement in the military in and of itself may not have been unbearable but feeling that way in a town that was so loyal to the military was awful. (I have heard that few military bases are surrounded by town with such blind support for the military which made our situation that much more frustrating.) It was pretty hard to hide that we weren't from the area and as soon as people pinned you for not being local they assumed the military had something to do with it. What was worse was that almost everyone had some kind of military passed that they were obnoxiously proud of and assumed we were too. The thing that we lost sleep over hating was rubbed in our faces everyday.

At that point in our lives I don't blame us for becoming addicted to something, anything that would keep our minds occupied. The problem is I believe I have forgotten how to live in the present. I have a much better reality now but I am still wasting all my time keeping my thoughts at arms length. One of the over riding theme for my life right now is to learn how to exist with my thoughts again and how to break my idle time habit.

New Years Survey thing

I found this on a very neat blog http://huntressofnostalgia.blogspot.com/2010/12/picture-of-me-2010-from-facebook-notes.html I really liked it so I did it as well.






Part 1~~ 2010 questions:

1. What was your most significant accomplishment in 2010?  

Graduating from college

2. Is there any one choice you made that you would change in 2010?

I don't really think so. The most frustrating thing about the past 2 years of my life has been that I make really good, well thought out decisions and then lots of things happen after the fact that make the decisions seem like a bad on, but it was a good one at the time. (I have no idea if that makes any sense.) 

3. What was your favorite band/singer in 2010?

I have enjoyed being back in a play that has radio stations that play good music! I've been listening to a lot of Kings of Leon, Glee soundtrack stuff, Muse and Mumford and Sons and other things

4. What was your favorite movie of 2010?

Hmm, I really enjoyed Despicable Me and Toy Story 3 and of course the new Harry Potter. I'm trying to think of good serious movies I saw this year, but nothing comes to mind. 

5. What is your favorite food/dish in 2010?

Well Tacos will always be a favorite, and I perfected my home made pizza technique this year. Beyond that J and I learned how to make some excellent egg rolls and I got a crock pot for Christmas 2009 that served me incredibly well this past year.

6. Favorite Restaurant in 2010?

Salas when we were in OK, Sunset Cantina now that we're in Boston

7. Favorite and worst tv show in 2010?

Favorite: I am a bog fan of Netflix and Hulu that let me watch old episodes or cancelled shows. This I discovered and became obsessed with Dexter, waited patiently for Parks and Recreation to return to the air, and discovered at the recommendation of J's old professor a cancelled show called Firefly that is as ridiculous and quirky as it is awesome. 

Worst: I really don't know because I watch TV exclusively online, we started some shows and didn't really care for them but I doubt they were the worst shows on TV. 

8. Favorite Clothing Store in 2010?

I shopped at oldnavy.com because the price is right and I know what my sizes are, but I wouldn't say it's my favorite.

9. Favorite activity in 2010?

hiking, blogging, working, MOVING!

10. Describe yourself in 5 words for 2010.

frustrated, optimistic, maturing, exploring, nurturing (I realize I should probably choose more adjectives and fewer verbs but oh well.)

11. Your style in 2010?

Plan t shirts and plan jeans. There is no point to having nice clothes when your a nanny to busy boys.

12. Most common sounds in your home in 2010?

The pups barking

13. What's on your bedside table in 2010?

a glass of water, cough drops, tissues

14. Your favorite thing hanging on your wall in 2010?

My college degree I'm very proud of it

15. What kind of calendar did you own in 2010?

A New Hampshire calender and a New England calender

16. What was the first thing you did when you got up in the morning in 2010?

Probably took Numa outside

17. What is the most expensive thing you owned in 2010?

My car or my engagement ring I'm not actually sure which is worth more

18. What item you own holds the most value for you in 2010?

This is a strange question to me because there are lots of different ways to define value but i'm going to say the picture of my family on Christmas Day 2008 will always be very near and dear to me.

19. Your favorite book of 2010?

Sadly, I haven't read as much as I would like Oryx and Crake and The Year of The Flood by Margaret Atwood were my favorites. I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for the 3rd one.

Part 2 ~~ Your life

1. If you could change one life choice you made, what would it be?

In my entire life? I would have waited a few more years to get married but it's alright we're making it work

2. Who (in your life)  are you are most like?

J

3. Who is the most influential person in your life?

This year was Melissa for sure. She taught me a lot about the delicate balancing act between when to stand your ground and yell and when it's not worth it. She taught me a lot more about what is important in life and what is just stuff. 

4. Name 3 best friends you have had in your lifetime. (And tag em' if they're friends!)

Sarah

Katie

Tara

5. Favorite family heirloom?

I think the only one I have is a hand mirror from my great grandmother. Oh and I have a ring from my grandmother I would like to have sized to my finger someday.

6. Favorite childhood keepsake?

My journals

7. What's your dream job, and are you

doing it?

I don't know what my dream job is yet,  but I very much enjoy what I'm doing right now. Anytime I am helping people and feeling fulfilled I'm happy

8. If you didn't have to work for $$ what would you do with your time?

I would donate my time to charities especially ones that involve better education for children, other than that I would just have more time to spend on reading and writing and other things I already do.

9. What are you most thankful for in 2010?

Being back home with my family

10. What celebrity do you admire in 2010?

Admire is too strong of a word, but every episode I am just stunned at how talented Chris Colfer (Kurt) from Glee is.

Part 3~~ This Year (2011)

1. If you won the lottery this year, what would you spend it on??

Pay off debts, help family pay off debts, save enough to get J through Law School and me through a Masters program, donate money to charities, who knows

2. What do you want to change about your life in 2011?

I need to get back on track financially because 3 months out of work was pretty awful, once that's over I just want to make some friends and have some fun.

3. What do you want to accomplish in 2011?

I want a year that is more relaxing than the last 3 have been.

4. Describe in 5 words what kind of person you want to be in 2011?

confident, capable, happy, relaxed, responsible

5. What is one quality you want to change about yourself in 2011?

I'm pretty happy with myself as I am, but I'd like to have fewer panic attacks.

6. What is your new years resolution for 2011? (If you have one?)

I don't take New Years resolutions seriously but I still have them so here they are

-lose 10 lbs, 

-read 10 books

- go back to Church

-be more organized

-get the dogs out for longer walks

-practice piano more often