Being Mature (well, trying to be...)

I can't sleep because I am frustrated with myself. I know my work performance has not been exactly what it should be and that frustrates me because really there is no reason for that. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in any work related "drama." Admittedly at a job with 100% female employees that is super difficult to do. I have a tough skin which is to my advantage, but I also have a quick wit and tend to lack a filter, especially when I think what I have to say is undeniably clever, which is to my disadvantage. So basically find myself in a perfect position to be a complete bitch. I am pretty un-phased by what others about me and not unrelenting in what I think about them. This is not who I want to be at all. I know better.

I keep promising that  I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.

I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.

A Reminder to Myself

Breath, keep the big picture in mind. This is a stepping stone and a way to explore options easily. It is a way to make some money and to keep myself alive. J has been where I am now and I need to keep that in mind. This is not a popularity contest, the aggravations are not meant as personal attacks. No one is mad at me. I'm not here to make people like me I just need to make sure my job is done well. This too shall pass.

Clearing My Mind

I can't sleep and I need to clear my mind. I know that for far too long I have had no form of stress relief and that because of that I now have no outlet. I know what I want to do to relieve stress but I have no money to do that with. I'm in such a tricky place because of that. If I pay money to allow me to do a hobby that will cause me stress but if I continue to allow myself to have no hobby that will cause my stress. I do not know what I should do.

I am trying to not let the stress of my life get to me too badly. I try so hard to leave the negativity behind so it doesn't suck the life out of me but it is absolutely failing. It's failing because I have no outlet. Where will I ever find this money to relieve the stress that having no money causes? I have lots of things I can do in my home to relieve stress but that will not provide me with fellowship of people my age so it will only get me so far. Until I have friends I'm fairly certain this stress will be unending. I think I'm going to go play with budgets to find the money for me time before I die.