Being Mature (well, trying to be...)

I can't sleep because I am frustrated with myself. I know my work performance has not been exactly what it should be and that frustrates me because really there is no reason for that. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in any work related "drama." Admittedly at a job with 100% female employees that is super difficult to do. I have a tough skin which is to my advantage, but I also have a quick wit and tend to lack a filter, especially when I think what I have to say is undeniably clever, which is to my disadvantage. So basically find myself in a perfect position to be a complete bitch. I am pretty un-phased by what others about me and not unrelenting in what I think about them. This is not who I want to be at all. I know better.

I keep promising that  I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.

I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.