It's Not Fair

 I've been trying to find peace lately. I have been trying to let things go to and make way for a more calm, enjoyable me. Of course I have my eyes on a giant angry rage road block that I need to somehow get some peace about, so naturally my brain decides to start making peace with something much more insignificant, still it's something and it has had me thinking. I have been coming to peace with the fact that life is not even remotely fair and it's OK.

Growing up I was jealous, very jealous. I felt like every one  had it better than me and more importantly, I felt that I was missing out. Truly I still have a jealous streak, but these days it has more to do with the fact that I want to experience EVERYTHING. Really I want to squeeze every drop out of this life so when ever I hear about someone doing something I have even the slightest desire to do I get jealous. I don't think it's really jealousy anymore, I think it's interest that I as jealousy by default.

When I got to pre-teen and teenager years I thought a lot about everything as a scale. If person A has "this" that could be balanced out by me having "that." If that didn't work I switched to a kind of golf  handicap system for life. In this system I would think "Person B has X, Y, AND Z, but I have had to overcome U,V, and W and if I didn't have to do that I could probably be where that person is right now so it all evens out." (Clearly I needed a life, which I guess was one of the things I was trying to calculate for.)

I don't think I can fault myself too much for my logic. We spend so much time as children and teens focused on fairness. Our parents try to be fair to all their children our teachers (usually) attempt o be fair to all of their students and many youth sports leagues have rules to try to make sure all players and all teams are treated fairly. It makes sense that growing up in a place where there was so much emphasis on fairness that I would expect life to be fair as well. But, of course, life is not at all fair.

Now I am trying to make peace with the fact that life is all but fair. I am focused on making sure I do the best I can with what I have been given and that I feel happy for other people who do the same. When I feel a twinge of jealously I remember that the "what-if" game is utterly pointless and wanting what I don't have is wasted energy. I don't fault people who have it easier than I do and I try to remember that for all the times I've thought "she doesn't know how east she has it" someone has thought the same thing about me. Life is not a contest of who was dealt the worst hand. In the end struggles and triumphs are all relative.

Truly my life handicap system is fairly accurate. These days most of what I want are things that are or were within my reach but I made different choices. These days I try to remember that where I am RIGHT NOW is exactly where I've chosen to be and if I don't like that I have to take it up with me. I remind myself that I am capable of having almost everything that I get jealous of over people for having but I am making choices that involve not having those things and remember why I choice thing 1 over thing 2.

Likewise where I was as a child was largely a result of my parents choices and where other children were was largely a result of their parents choices and the fact that I ever let that reflect on the individual child (or teen) was just plain absurd. (But how was I to know at the time?) I have a feeling most of this is just me being an adult, but I find I am a lot less angry now that I do not expect things to be fair. I am finding much better things to do with all that energy that used to be spent on anger. 

Lucky

Turning 25 has been a very strange experience. Maybe I'm wrong but when we were kids I feel like 25 was always the age teachers told us to think ahead to when we thought about our future. Well here I am and this is not exactly what I expected, but then again I never knew what I expected so this is as good as anything else. I'm a first generation college graduate, I have a job I adore that pays me enough so I don't stress out. I have a husband who I love and who I am more and more proud of everyday.

And here is my big secret about how I was able to get all this: it was blind, dumb luck. It's true. I worked hard for sure, but lots of people work hard. I won't say that hard work didn't contribute because it prepared me to take chances when they are presented to me, but the big moments are nothing I can take credit for.

For starters I can look at my job. This is not what I went to school for. I only ever tried childcare because 100's of miscommunications landed me in a place I thought I'd only be a short time. Plus the amazing family I worked for just happened to need a new sitter, plus their first choice broke her leg. That family and I don't think that was luck but God moving all the pieces so people who really needed each other would find each other, but if you are not religious than it's pretty lucky. I found a job I truly loved and an amazing family far away from home. That experience largely contributed to how I got the job I have now. Another contributing factor was a parking ticket I couldn't afford to pay which made me look for extra babysitting work which is how I met this family to begin with.

Then there is J. How he and I have pulled off this feat of being married for what will very soon be four (what?!) years. I have been feeling so so blessed about this lately. I have been seeing relationships fall apart that I never imagined would. People who waited years to get married, until they were emotionally and financially ready. People who did everything right and for whatever reason didn't work out. Meanwhile J and I jumped in quickly, unprepared and it's worked out pretty well. Life isn't perfect and neither are we but most days I am incredibly happy.

I find myself trying to find a reason, something solid that sets us apart because I like answers, but I'm not sure their are any. I have seen people who I believe were very much in love and for some reason things ended. The only two things I come up with are that we are stubborn and we are realist who never expected things to be simple or remotely easy. So two complete bummers for personality traits are apparently our key to happiness?

So I'm up super late with some crazy anxiety tonight. But here's what is strange, I know what I need to do to make it stop, I'm even 100% sure it would work but I don't think I should. Too try to explain: I am still trying to organize our apartment, sort out what to get rid of, and designate shelf space to what I need to keep. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just give up and leave the room and hid in a room that's clean already. I think my normal techniques, in this instance, would be like walking away with the problem unsolved. The catalyst for this little change of heart came, ever so accidentally from J. When I was explaining everything to him he said (sarcastically because he knows the answer) "why are you so angry?" Good question.  I think a very clear picture of why would help me feel  more in control.

So I wrote a super angry list (which I never intended to post) got it narrowed down to an angry list, and narrowed that down to this. I am angry because for two years I was essentially helpless and I was being constantly devalued and the confines of the system kept me powerless. Also I am angry now because no matter what approach I take it still has a toxic power over me and because I don't want to fix it when I feel like a better person would want to fix a problem they saw.

I wasn't COMPLETELY powerless, but J kind of was and that was pretty similar. I could have left, I had to choose between my sanity and my husband and I choose him, mostly because he didn't have a choice and I felt awful leaving. If he had more options and didn't take them I would have left, sometimes it felt like he did but he didn't really and his patience did really pay off in the long run but oh did it ever suck.

But what do I do about this damn power over me? I've tried forgiveness but as far as I could get was pretending. I tried to fake it until I made it for about a year then gave up, or forgot I was trying. I've tried to forget but I suck at that. I've tried mediation to clear my mind, it didn't totally suck. I don't know how mediation is supposed to work but what I read said if an emotion is distracting acknowledge it for a minute and move on. That proved fairly effective at taking the power away from the thing (I'm not even in the mood for typing it tonight which I'm sure is super healthy.)

With that I feel my anger has been acknowledged enough for one night. Off to bed for me.

Shh!

I have a secret from the internet, and from almost everyone. Three people besides me know about it. I want to tell people, and I want them to know but the time is just not right yet, so why on earth would I be typing this? Because it has led me to thinking about what a secret means in our crazy little 21st century life.

I am not good at secrets, clearly. I just don't have much to hid from people. I'm proud of who I am. I believe mistakes make us and teach us lessons so I don't mind talking about them. I can keep other people's secrets, it is my own "secrets" that I struggle with. Strangely enough though the most important things in my life I like to keep private. They are mine. In this culture of social media and networking and all that stuff I feel like everything is public knowledge. Everything is for every one to comment on and have an opinion about, but as much as I am an open book there are things in this life that are mine and only mine and not for others to have thoughts about.

I'm not trying to sound like a crazy narrisitic that thinks that people are always thinking about me, but once I post it for the world to see someone is going to have a thought about it, that is just the way people work. Trust me I have thoughts about everything I read. It could be "me too!" Or "really?!?!" or "there are three g's in failinggg who knew?" The point is people will have some thought about what others choose to share.

I'm a nanny so I'm going to compare sharing life events to sharing toys. Sharing can make playing more fun, but sometimes violates a certain reverence for a toy, that special thing that was just yours. There is never any certainty that someone else will appreciate that toy the way you do. Now some toys never carry that specialness. Some it is OK to just share right away, (the "I love peppermint mocha coffee!!!" status of the world) It is the things you've been longing for, admiring from afar, once you have them you can't immediately go around sharing them. You need some time to just appreciate how special it is and you can't fully learn and explore a new toy when other people are looking and playing with it too.

Getting married was the first time I experienced this intentional, somewhat self indulgent secrecy. People have lots of ideas about weddings, they just do and that is fine. My idea is that it is about two people telling someone, whoever they deem it is necessary to tell in order to make it official, that they intend to live their life together and be a family and make choices like a family. This entity could be their god, their government, their family, all of those or what have you. To me it should be the most stress free thing in the world. It should be intimate as it is about intimate feelings and emotions. It belonged to me and I was not inviting the FB world in.

I also think it has something to do with validation. Not telling the world about something for me represents a feeling or rightness. I am so sure I do not need it validated by friends in internet land. This "validation" could refer to a person's comments or just the fact it exist out there. I feel like there is a sense that something is more real if you can lay claim to it in the "public space of the internet." I know the phrase "Facebook official" is a joke but I think it has a seed of truth to it.

I have been contemplating this world were nothing is really secret and people have a sense that they should be privy to everything. The sounds extreme, but admit it, we all get annoyed when someone has a private profile or does not publish her relationship status. Curious minds must know!!!!

I really want this to have some kind of thought provoking, insightful conclusion about secrecy and the internet and privacy and intimacy, but I don't have one. I guess I will end with this. I heard a commentary a while ago I wish I could remember where. The gist of it was that privacy was a 20th century invention and it was no longer relevant. Social networking was the new nosy family and busy body neighbor of the 21st century. I am beginning to think that is true.

New Years Resolutions: A very original blog topic for the first week of 2012

 I'm going to write something oh so original I'm going to write about new years resolutions. I'm awful at resolutions, I usually have a zillion but this year I swore to keep it simple so I can keep them. Good new I lost 15 pounds last year with effort and will power so that one is off my list which feels wonderful. (I guess that is only good news for me no one else would care. Then again I think I'm the only one who reads this darn thing.) I have made two seemingly contradictory resolutions.

1- Enjoy myself more/ be more social
2- Stick to my budget and seriously reduce my debt. I would like to eliminate a 4th of my debt this year and it is well within reach. (Note: MY debt never mind my law student husbands debt I purposely do not think about that.)

So there you have it have more fun and spend less money! Those too will definitely go hand in hand. Right?

They can complement each other more than it may seem. I am budgeting for fun so the money will be there, I will be more fun because I'll be less stressed. At least that is what I am telling myself. Sadly, the fun one will take more effort than the money one.

I had a crappy two years in OKville. It wasn't that I was far away from friends and family. It was my situation that isolated me. My hubby and I were fighting to break away from something that pretty much everyone else seemed to  adored (or worship, it felt a whole lot like worship.)  I was able to find an amazing couple who were wonderful in understanding our troubles but mostly we felt lost. Even the smallest criticism was judged beyond belief.

This is relevant right now because it is the reason I didn't make friends. I tried. I joined book clubs, took classes, but I found myself unwilling and unable to open up. I lied about where I grew up, what my husband did for work and tried to avoid mentioning I was married so that his plight wouldn't come up at all.  So yeah the whole thing (or how I was coping with it) just was not conducive to new relationships so I adjusted. I became very good at entertaining myself. At first I was lonely but eventually I stopped noticing at all. Once I moved back to New England  I assumed I would jump right back into the social world.

As it turned out I don't notice being alone anymore. Entertaining myself is so natural now that it doesn't ever occur to me to call, text, message or visit people. I want to see them, I really, really do but it does not occur to me that I should invite them somewhere. I can find so much to do on my own that I am perfectly fine to just do that. It's like I forgot I have the option of hanging out with friends. Still sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone other than my husband or a four year old, and it is a little lonely. So this year a vow to actually make plans with my friends and maintain relationships. I never thought I would forget how to do that.

Money management is something I've gotten worse at over the years but I'd still say it is a strong point. That being said, money management seems impossible when you are living pay check to pay check. Now that that is not the case for me it's time to start doing what I rock at,budgeting, saving and paying down debt. That is another thing my situation made me forget how to do. Only that time the situation was college. This is what I will be working on this year. I'm pretty excited about it!

Holidays in the Present

I have been thinking about how holidays change as you get older. When you are a kid it is a magical time of year filled with excitement and anticipation. Then at some point the magic fades, it is still fun but the anticipation just isn't there. This happened around 8th grade for me.

The only thing I really liked about living so far away from my family for 2 years was that we got to go home for 2 weeks every Christmas. Suddenly the holiday season was filled with magic and anticipation and a more mature inexpressable sense of safety and security and family.

As magical as it was, that magic existed because the rest of the year was trying,tumultuous and lonely. Last year I noticed that the Christmas season was not as exciting but in ways not as stressful. All of this brings me to how I feel about the holidays right now, in the present.

I do have a tendency to think these years of our lives don't really count. I'll place all the blame on my parents, aunts, and uncles. Flip through family photo albums and here is what I will see. (I'm thinking specifically about holiday pictures here) I will see Christmas while they grew up, an "uneventful" Christmas or two. My parents "first Christmas" and then mine. Not long after my arrival there are pictures of my oldest cousin, my sister, the next two cousins, then the family babies. This portrayal is not a totally accurate account of what happened, but it is am accurate account of my perception growing up.As I looked at these growing up it seemed very clear that these all adult holidays should be kept to a minimum.

At the same time, I recall a sort of wonder about those years. They seemed free and spontaneous, I remember thinking that those years were when my parents were living THEIR lives and that they were most truly themselves at that point.

Yet, now that I am at that age it seems to be the opposite. These are the years between my real life of education and my real life of being settled, or at least that is how I was feeling. I am finding that I am turning a corner, starting to see this as just as valid a part of my life as anything before or after.

Back to my original point. As my family grew up holidays started to feel lack luster because they were not as exciting. Now I am finding them as fun as they were before. I look forawrd to seeing my siblings and hearing about what they are doing. I have discovered an amazing understanding and unity of having an entirely adult family. For better or for worse we are more friends now and our manner is unnervingly causal. I'm starting to think we'll look back on these adult only holidays with a special fondness as a time when we were at oddly similar places in our lives.

More Thankfulness

13- I'm thankful for a beautiful day for a hike!

14- I'm thankful for a clear head and a plan, it feels pretty awesome.

15- I'm thankful for little surprises like homemade waffles.

16- I'm thankful for a brother and sister who are just great people. I know I already said family but this one is different to me so there.

17- I hate to say it, but I'm thankful to live in MA with the health insurance rules, it makes life and life decisions way easier to make.

18- I'm thankful that my apartment manager is so cool! They called me to let me know there was a car parked in my space and they found me somewhere else to park.

19- I'm thankful for parents who are willing to store furniture I don't have room for now but really don't want to lose.

20- I am thankful for a boss last year who taught me how to let go of items and de-clutter, my life has been improved by it.

21- I'm thankful to live in a country that is so free and has so much. I realize this probably seems like the wrong year (decade?) to say that but I think every now and then it's important to get a little perspective. We're in trouble absolutely, but we are better off than a lot of places and that is still something to be thankful.

22- I am thankful that I am working so much I feel like I have no time. The opposite problem is far worse.

23- I'm thankful for ice cream!

24- I'm thankful for modern technology that makes it so easy to stay connected.