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I haven't blogged in two weeks or so! I have been wanting to make this a daily part of my routine but I have been struggling. I was depressed and hid for weeks from my feeling. I kept my mind constantly occupied with TV, silly computer games and anything that kept me from my thoughts. I hate when I retreat from myself like that. It's been so hard under my circumstances though the reality of the giant brick wall that stand between my husband and inner peace is so disheartening sometimes it's hard to even wake up in the morning.

It's not like we have given up. We try to find things to fill our time, we take lots of comfort in our hobbies cooking and hiking especially. It sounds like the boy I babysit is awake now. I will finish this tonight.

Humility

I haven't started to talk about the main struggle in my life, I will when I work up the courage, but for now I will just say this: My husband is in the army and has been trying to get out for moral reasons.This is nearly impossible to do and comes with it's own set of moral challenges. This is the whole reason I've started to blog and I would like to address this issue in it's entirety at some point. For now, something else is bugging me.

This week I was asked "has your experience with the military humbled you in anyway?" I felt like I should say yes but I couldn't think of a single example of how this experience has humbled me. I know what the person who asked it was hoping to hear me say; he was expecting me to say that my inability to manipulate the system humbled me and taught me that I cannot work any system to my advantage. I personally think that this is not valid in this circumstance because my husband (J as I will be calling him) is the only thing that kept me from manipulating the system, that and there was much more at play then he could ever understand.

The longer I dated J the more uncomfortable (for lack of a better word) his involvement in the army made me. I could tell he was becoming more and more uncomfortable with the situation as well. But it took us years to discover and articulate what it was that was causing this uneasiness and when I began the process of learning how to work the military system to get my needs met (particularly insurance, i don't really take advantage of anything else.) I was the confused about what the problem was that was causing my uncertainty and J's own uncertainty made me even more confused. I think anyone would have reservations about dealing with an organization that caused them that much emotional turmoil.

I would love to say this situation humbled me, it would help to divine meaning from a meaningless situation. But unfortunately it just taught me to trust me instincts more. This might sound like a good thing but my instincts are so naturally suspicious that it means that I am finding it harder to give anyone or anything the benefit of the doubt. It confirmed and even strengthen my misanthropy and taught me that my suspicions of the government are very rightly guided.

So to end on a bright note, no, the army didn't humble me, but this experience has not been all bad. Living in this silly land-locked state, existing in the Bible belt has been really nice. Seeing a place where religion is so widely appreciated and a very strong part of the community helped me remember what I used to enjoy church and helped me go back.

People here are nicer, the people I have met accept their weaknesses as inevitable and forgivable. They don't try to be perfect because they can't be. I have noticed a much less competitive nature among people that has helped me relax. When I go back home I don't stress over the fact I'm graduating from college a year late because I am letting that competitive nature go. So maybe knowing these people has humbled me, or at least helped me be honest.

So if anyone ever reads this, please know that I will not always be as pretentious as I am in this post. I just needed to get this all out.

Just a Touch of Baby Rabies

"Menstruation is always a little sad." I read this in Erica Jong's Fear of Flying and I thought for sure she must be crazy. I was nineteen, living with my boyfriend, his best friend, a teen mother, and her 1 year old daughter. No matter how careful I'd been menstruation was always a happy confirmation. But now I'm older, not much older and not old enough, but older. Every few months I get sick right around "that time" of month and I think "hmmm, maybe I'm pregnant." Usually I go back and forth between feeling excited and terrified, spend a few days panicking and fantasying then it all comes to an end.

What I've always found interesting in life is that children are one thing, which I am excited for, but very willing to contently wait for. Very few things in my life have been this way. I wonder what that says about me? I wonder what it says about the things I had no interest in waiting for?

I feel that I do this blog thing all wrong but it's fun.

Good Morning!

I checked it out this whole blog thing and decided that it's safe enough I guess. I more or less decided that most likely there will be no repercussions because no one is really looking for my silly little blog. So it's 8:50 on a Monday morning. I'm waiting for the boy I babysit to wake up. I could be studying but I'm just not in the mood for that right now. Mostly I'm not awake enough for it to matter because I won't remember. I have three writing contest I am planning on entering, I should stay up late one night this week to write them. My writing is so much better at night. Wow I am rambling. I'm going to go surf the web for a few.

Learning the Rules of Blogging

Hmmm, this is a very questionable idea I am having right now. I don't think it's a bad idea. I just need to learn more about the privacy and such of what this is. I mean, there are legal implications if I open up on here. Ok I will post this and see what happpens.