Humility

I haven't started to talk about the main struggle in my life, I will when I work up the courage, but for now I will just say this: My husband is in the army and has been trying to get out for moral reasons.This is nearly impossible to do and comes with it's own set of moral challenges. This is the whole reason I've started to blog and I would like to address this issue in it's entirety at some point. For now, something else is bugging me.

This week I was asked "has your experience with the military humbled you in anyway?" I felt like I should say yes but I couldn't think of a single example of how this experience has humbled me. I know what the person who asked it was hoping to hear me say; he was expecting me to say that my inability to manipulate the system humbled me and taught me that I cannot work any system to my advantage. I personally think that this is not valid in this circumstance because my husband (J as I will be calling him) is the only thing that kept me from manipulating the system, that and there was much more at play then he could ever understand.

The longer I dated J the more uncomfortable (for lack of a better word) his involvement in the army made me. I could tell he was becoming more and more uncomfortable with the situation as well. But it took us years to discover and articulate what it was that was causing this uneasiness and when I began the process of learning how to work the military system to get my needs met (particularly insurance, i don't really take advantage of anything else.) I was the confused about what the problem was that was causing my uncertainty and J's own uncertainty made me even more confused. I think anyone would have reservations about dealing with an organization that caused them that much emotional turmoil.

I would love to say this situation humbled me, it would help to divine meaning from a meaningless situation. But unfortunately it just taught me to trust me instincts more. This might sound like a good thing but my instincts are so naturally suspicious that it means that I am finding it harder to give anyone or anything the benefit of the doubt. It confirmed and even strengthen my misanthropy and taught me that my suspicions of the government are very rightly guided.

So to end on a bright note, no, the army didn't humble me, but this experience has not been all bad. Living in this silly land-locked state, existing in the Bible belt has been really nice. Seeing a place where religion is so widely appreciated and a very strong part of the community helped me remember what I used to enjoy church and helped me go back.

People here are nicer, the people I have met accept their weaknesses as inevitable and forgivable. They don't try to be perfect because they can't be. I have noticed a much less competitive nature among people that has helped me relax. When I go back home I don't stress over the fact I'm graduating from college a year late because I am letting that competitive nature go. So maybe knowing these people has humbled me, or at least helped me be honest.

So if anyone ever reads this, please know that I will not always be as pretentious as I am in this post. I just needed to get this all out.