Just Babbling

I've been feeling our of sorts this week. Found out some really frustrating information that hasn't helped much. Apparently in his report the psychologist that evaluated hubby actually said that he has paranoid and depressed, like I knew, but that he didn't require help. I don't know what psychologist would say he was paranoid and depressed and still totally fine to be in the army, things like this just make it abundantly clear how the Fort Hood shooting happened. That man is the reason for my disillusionment with, well actually pretty much with people. I really thought people were harder to buy and sell out, but I am learning from this experience that people will be bought and sold for unbelievable low prices.

I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.

Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.

It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.

I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?

This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.