Marrying Too Young

J and I got married when he was 22 and I was 21. Within a month we became prime examples of why 21 and 22 are too early to get married. Even with all the planning ahead we did ahead of time we were able to find our selves in shockingly unexpected circumstances and struggling to figure out how to manage our own personal problems while learning how to be married at the same time.

J and I spent the summer apart. His experiences that summer showed him that he would never be able to be part of the army and have a clean contentious at the same time. My summer showed me that my college major was not my passion. These lessons would have been hard enough to deal with in their own right but we were dealing with them and trying to figure out what they meant for our marriage. Both of us spent far too much time trying to "suck it up" because we knew the other was depending on us. It made us both miserable. We were each at points in our lives in which we really needed to be selfish, but we had also essentially given up that right. We made it work because we truly do love each other, but it was far from easy and, to be honest, it was probably not healthy for us either.

I am thinking about this now because I am finding my emotional self at odds with my married self. I have a broken collar bone and I have been pushing my body to do things it's not ready to do because WE need the money. I'm angry because I wonder if I would have been better off graduating on time and utilizing the resources the college had available to help me find an internship. I'm frustrated because career wise an internship would be better than a job, by money wise a job would be better than an internship. Newly graduated me needs an internship and married me needs a job. I would love to find something that could work as both but that's not an easy thing to find.

I want to be clear, I do not blame J, to be honest I do not blame myself either. Neither of us could have known better. I don't regret marrying J, although I wish I had waited longer and taken some time to worry about myself and no one else. I have made a promise to myself to allow myself to make decisions based on my best interest. J does that anyway.

 He always talks to me about decisions but I think we default to what is best for him. Again, I'm not assigning blame. I think he has been conditioned to look out for his own needs and I have been conditioned to look out for the needs of the people I love so we both tend to choose what's best for J. This is an example of how a few years of singlehood (completely made up word) would have done me a lot of good. Learning how to decide what is in my own best interest is going to be hard skill to hone within a marriage.

 I am thankful because I know J loves me and I know that he will support decisions that are in my best interest even when they are not ideal for him. However, it is not good for him to be chasing my dreams instead of his. My point in this is that I am not "suffering" alone. We both are going to struggle to grow individually within our marriage. the good news is we made it through a ridiculous struggle during the first two years, and if that's any indicator we will continue to grow together.

A Pretty Revealing Post

I hate that I am doing this right now. What I want more than anything is plop myself down in a therapist's chair and have them tell me how to make it all better. To be honest that's what I know I need to do, but that involves insurance and that's still processing so this will have to do for now.

I had a ridiculous week last. I quit, well really I "stepped down" from a job for the first time ever. The circumstance was unusual and no ones fault but it made me feel like a failure. I was supposed to be babysitting for a family. The mom works at home, but needs and extra set of hands in order to actually get work done. The problem was that my personality did not fit in with the household at all. It was awkward and horribly strained. I could tell they were unsure of me and that made it even harder for me to relax resulting in more awkwardness. The thing that actually made me leave was the fact that the son simply could not adjust to me. I was so drastically different from anyone he knew (or at least that was the impression that I was getting) that he simply could not get comfortable around me.

I always tell parents when I meet them that it is important for me to be a pillar of constituency in their house hold that keeps the house running as close to how they would as possible. I also claim to understand the importance of finding the "right fit for your family." In keeping with all those things I called and said that I realized the personality differences were just too much for us to overcome and that it was creating an unpleasant household environment and felt they should find someone else. I should probably mention that they had 2 sitters so I wasn't leaving them empty handed.

It's been a very strange experience for me. I have never left a job like that before. I feel like it's my fault because I generally assign blame to myself, but really there is no way that "blame" can be assigned to either party. I have been babysitting almost constantly since I moved and this is the first family that I have completely not meshed with. I feel like the chances that the two of us found each other are slim. It's also a good experience to know when to call it quits. Generally I would not advocate quiting a job without having another lined up, especially considering my finances, but I could just tell that it wasn't working.

So today I woke up in a fury to get myself a job. I applied to temp agencies, I applied to jobs online, and I walked up and down a two mile strip near my house applying to every store that displayed a "Help Wanted" sign. I was feeling pretty darn good about my productivity when I noticed I had missed a call, actually several calls, from the parents of the girl I was supposed to pick up at school 2 hours prior. I feel completely stupid. I do not even understand how I could have been so incredibly focused on getting a job that I forgot to go to work. The worst part is the very personal job, the parents are annoyed and the girl is disappointed and I feel generally stupid.

I have 2 interviews tomorrow. Depending on how things go there I should be fine. Unfortunately it will be a few weeks until everything settles down to a reasonable pace and I feel comfortable. Since I moved her in July I have been waiting to get into a routine and I never do. It makes my schedule hard to keep track of because it's never the same two weeks in a row. The constant change is frustrating and confusing. My brain can't settle down. It gets so busy thinking about things that it forgets the things it's not thinking about. Like today. I wasn't putting much effort into the "normal" part of my day so much so that I forgot about it.

I want and need to believe that the worst is over. I want and need to believe that this was one mistake. My past tells me that this is the beginning of an ugly spiral, but I have taken charge since then and learned how to take care of myself. The trouble is that until I get through this unscathed I won't believe that I can. There is so much more to write about but I really need to go to bed. I'm just hoping that all the work I've done to learn how to control my anxiety will pay off. This is the test.

Oklahoma

This is not a poem about how I feel about Oklahoma, it's a poem about how I felt about a very specific place at a very specific time. It is another one I wrote out of a writing prompt. I wanted to write about something else but this was therapeutic.

Oklahoma 2009

I have no roots here.

I know if the right wind blows

(and it threatens to every day,)

I will simply blow away.

The winds are relentless;

the clay is indifferent.

The insects have taken over.

Survival is based on luck;

this place is not designed for life.

The sky is too close, threatening to fall.

We have no Mount Olympus and the

invaders mock the gods.

The sun is too hot;

the rain is too scarce.

No one treats this land as holy.

The colors are matte

And what else would they be?

If everything is threatened here

what will protect me?

I took these pictures in 2009 in Oklahoma.

Feeling Safe

"I never realize how much I like home until I've been somewhere really different for a while." ~ Juno

Yesterday I went to the Deerfield Fair for the first time in 7 years. I am very surprised at how fun it was considering that I couldn't go on any rides. (stupid collar bone :- / ) All I did was watch the herding dog demonstration, which I of course found fascinating, and a little bit of the horse pull which I love, looked at the animals, and eat some fried dough.

I really don't think it would have mattered what I did as long as I was there. It was the most at home and relaxed I've felt in years. The weather was crisp and autumnal and it felt amazing. Fall has always been my least favorite season, I still really loved it but it was no where near as for me as the three that I missed. Suddenly I was experiencing fall like I never had. It's picturesque and perfect I'm still amazed at how being away for a while can change my views.

What was the most striking for me was how incredible comfortable James and I were in public. I never felt comfortable in public in Oklahoma because of our circumstances. Anywhere we went in OK most the people around us was part of the culture we were rebelling against. The represented constant reminders of the impossible fight that we were fighting. Even though we were the only ones who knew, it still made our environment seem hostile.

Now we are back in the environment that helped shaped our beliefs and the relief is huge. I even occasionally tell people the truth, the whole truth and they are not phased by it. It makes changes how I view everything. There was a big army recruiting station (not sure was it was supposed to be, but that's what it actually was) right next to the dog demonstration we watched. I can't explain how, but knowing that we were probably not alone in thinking it was obnoxious changed it in my mind from a "threat" (I hate using that word but ultimately that's what it was in my brain) to a trivial nuisance. I especially loved listening to James mock it without anger, fear, or hatred in his voice. At some point our ridiculously high stress levels became normal to us and I truly believed we'd live like that forever. I can't believe what a relief it is to let it all go.

NY Times Article is Bugging me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general

I am not sure if I love or hate this ^ article. It's all about how everyone is "taking the scenic route" through life and how people in their 20's are all adult-children. I like the article for because it makes me feel like I am living life right on schedule, for the first time ever. I hate it because I like feeling like I'm an original. I am also generally annoyed with the writers tone. Does he assume no one in their 20's will be reading his article?

The part of the article that I related to most was the part in which he talks about people in this age group acting like adults in some ways but not in others. I feel this way all the time. Babysitting is not an "adult" job, but it is real adult responsibility. I also hate being insured through James because it makes me feel like he's my dad and grosses me out. I realize that's silly and even if my job had benefits I could still be insured through him. But regardless it makes me feel like a child.

I realized recently how much more of an adult I felt like in OK. Part of the reason for this is the low, low cost of living in OK. In general though, I feel like I was treated like an adult more there, probably because people take on adult roles like marriage and full time jobs there. As I am writing this I am noticing that the "emerging adulthood" he talks about in the article is non-existent in Lawton. And once again this is a post to nowhere, but I feel less confused now. It's so interesting to me how overwhelming anxiety can seem until I write my anxious feelings down. Once they are written somewhere I think "wait THAT's what I was worried about." OMG I am rambling.

23 More Days

I've spent most the day with my head in the clouds because I had a Dr appointment this afternoon. Anyone who knows me knows that this means I spent the day niiiiice and drugged to ease the anxiety of doctors appointments. I cleaned out the office a bit, to get prepared for the movers. I really really hate the idea of strangers moving our stuff. Especially ones that are contracted out by the army. The whole thing makes me feel spied on.

For what it's worth I am aware that that is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's still how I feel. I have been attempting to clean a lot and hide anything incriminating in cardboard boxes and stack them in a closet to make it look like that's just how we store stuff. (Which is partially true.)I'm pretty grumpy at the moment because I had the inkling of a poem in my head earlier today but the phone rang and ruined it. Fortunately I had the for thought to write down the name of the song that gave me the thought, so maybe I'll be able to retrieve it later.

Well Couscous Shebang!!! is ready so I have to go.

Moving Anxiety

I feel sad. It's natural and inevitable, just like this move but it's sad. Being an adult and realizing that pain is simply a part of life hurts and is almost more annoying than being young and ignorant. At least I know I am approaching this with a healthy mature attitude.

Dear United States Military

Oh my god do I ever hate you. Do you know that? It's like the most severe hate ever, and you guys know a thing or two about hate. I mean, you just cannot manage to function can you? I swear, the simplest, most mindless task and you treat it like you are building the pyramids. Your logic, or lack there of is mind numbingly ridiculous, seriously, my mind is actually numb from being confused by you for so long. I swear you’d look at the math problem 2+2 and your answer would be rhinoceros with a fever. If you are reading this right now you don’t even know why I’d be confused by that answer. The confusion portion of my brain is exhausted from trying to deal with you. I would have been better off beating my head with a bowling ball while doing opiates before I even try to understand anything you are doing. Maybe by that point I would have dumbed myself down enough to understand. Have you ever seen a three year old with their favorite toy? They just hit the same button over and over until it no longer makes cool noises, only unintelligible gibberish. Well you are the three year old and the confusion mechanism in my brain is that favorite button. Seriously, I hear that sound in my head sometimes. I was sane eight months ago, but no more. I can’t even make this rant coherent because my brain is certain that there is something wrong with me. It thinks I must be delusional because the facts I’m asking it to process couldn’t possible be correct, but alas they are, and my brain has abandoned me for no reason. Even my seven year old brother hates it and is always blocking your chair HAHA. See you’ve completely killed my last brain cell. That is all.

.. ..

.. ..

C ---The one you don’t acknowledge is married to J

Just Babbling

I've been feeling our of sorts this week. Found out some really frustrating information that hasn't helped much. Apparently in his report the psychologist that evaluated hubby actually said that he has paranoid and depressed, like I knew, but that he didn't require help. I don't know what psychologist would say he was paranoid and depressed and still totally fine to be in the army, things like this just make it abundantly clear how the Fort Hood shooting happened. That man is the reason for my disillusionment with, well actually pretty much with people. I really thought people were harder to buy and sell out, but I am learning from this experience that people will be bought and sold for unbelievable low prices.

I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.

Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.

It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.

I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?

This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.