I'm going to write something oh so original I'm going to write about new years resolutions. I'm awful at resolutions, I usually have a zillion but this year I swore to keep it simple so I can keep them. Good new I lost 15 pounds last year with effort and will power so that one is off my list which feels wonderful. (I guess that is only good news for me no one else would care. Then again I think I'm the only one who reads this darn thing.) I have made two seemingly contradictory resolutions.
1- Enjoy myself more/ be more social
2- Stick to my budget and seriously reduce my debt. I would like to eliminate a 4th of my debt this year and it is well within reach. (Note: MY debt never mind my law student husbands debt I purposely do not think about that.)
So there you have it have more fun and spend less money! Those too will definitely go hand in hand. Right?
They can complement each other more than it may seem. I am budgeting for fun so the money will be there, I will be more fun because I'll be less stressed. At least that is what I am telling myself. Sadly, the fun one will take more effort than the money one.
I had a crappy two years in OKville. It wasn't that I was far away from friends and family. It was my situation that isolated me. My hubby and I were fighting to break away from something that pretty much everyone else seemed to adored (or worship, it felt a whole lot like worship.) I was able to find an amazing couple who were wonderful in understanding our troubles but mostly we felt lost. Even the smallest criticism was judged beyond belief.
This is relevant right now because it is the reason I didn't make friends. I tried. I joined book clubs, took classes, but I found myself unwilling and unable to open up. I lied about where I grew up, what my husband did for work and tried to avoid mentioning I was married so that his plight wouldn't come up at all. So yeah the whole thing (or how I was coping with it) just was not conducive to new relationships so I adjusted. I became very good at entertaining myself. At first I was lonely but eventually I stopped noticing at all. Once I moved back to New England I assumed I would jump right back into the social world.
As it turned out I don't notice being alone anymore. Entertaining myself is so natural now that it doesn't ever occur to me to call, text, message or visit people. I want to see them, I really, really do but it does not occur to me that I should invite them somewhere. I can find so much to do on my own that I am perfectly fine to just do that. It's like I forgot I have the option of hanging out with friends. Still sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone other than my husband or a four year old, and it is a little lonely. So this year a vow to actually make plans with my friends and maintain relationships. I never thought I would forget how to do that.
Money management is something I've gotten worse at over the years but I'd still say it is a strong point. That being said, money management seems impossible when you are living pay check to pay check. Now that that is not the case for me it's time to start doing what I rock at,budgeting, saving and paying down debt. That is another thing my situation made me forget how to do. Only that time the situation was college. This is what I will be working on this year. I'm pretty excited about it!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Holidays in the Present
I have been thinking about how holidays change as you get older. When you are a kid it is a magical time of year filled with excitement and anticipation. Then at some point the magic fades, it is still fun but the anticipation just isn't there. This happened around 8th grade for me.
The only thing I really liked about living so far away from my family for 2 years was that we got to go home for 2 weeks every Christmas. Suddenly the holiday season was filled with magic and anticipation and a more mature inexpressable sense of safety and security and family.
As magical as it was, that magic existed because the rest of the year was trying,tumultuous and lonely. Last year I noticed that the Christmas season was not as exciting but in ways not as stressful. All of this brings me to how I feel about the holidays right now, in the present.
I do have a tendency to think these years of our lives don't really count. I'll place all the blame on my parents, aunts, and uncles. Flip through family photo albums and here is what I will see. (I'm thinking specifically about holiday pictures here) I will see Christmas while they grew up, an "uneventful" Christmas or two. My parents "first Christmas" and then mine. Not long after my arrival there are pictures of my oldest cousin, my sister, the next two cousins, then the family babies. This portrayal is not a totally accurate account of what happened, but it is am accurate account of my perception growing up.As I looked at these growing up it seemed very clear that these all adult holidays should be kept to a minimum.
At the same time, I recall a sort of wonder about those years. They seemed free and spontaneous, I remember thinking that those years were when my parents were living THEIR lives and that they were most truly themselves at that point.
Yet, now that I am at that age it seems to be the opposite. These are the years between my real life of education and my real life of being settled, or at least that is how I was feeling. I am finding that I am turning a corner, starting to see this as just as valid a part of my life as anything before or after.
Back to my original point. As my family grew up holidays started to feel lack luster because they were not as exciting. Now I am finding them as fun as they were before. I look forawrd to seeing my siblings and hearing about what they are doing. I have discovered an amazing understanding and unity of having an entirely adult family. For better or for worse we are more friends now and our manner is unnervingly causal. I'm starting to think we'll look back on these adult only holidays with a special fondness as a time when we were at oddly similar places in our lives.
The only thing I really liked about living so far away from my family for 2 years was that we got to go home for 2 weeks every Christmas. Suddenly the holiday season was filled with magic and anticipation and a more mature inexpressable sense of safety and security and family.
As magical as it was, that magic existed because the rest of the year was trying,tumultuous and lonely. Last year I noticed that the Christmas season was not as exciting but in ways not as stressful. All of this brings me to how I feel about the holidays right now, in the present.
I do have a tendency to think these years of our lives don't really count. I'll place all the blame on my parents, aunts, and uncles. Flip through family photo albums and here is what I will see. (I'm thinking specifically about holiday pictures here) I will see Christmas while they grew up, an "uneventful" Christmas or two. My parents "first Christmas" and then mine. Not long after my arrival there are pictures of my oldest cousin, my sister, the next two cousins, then the family babies. This portrayal is not a totally accurate account of what happened, but it is am accurate account of my perception growing up.As I looked at these growing up it seemed very clear that these all adult holidays should be kept to a minimum.
At the same time, I recall a sort of wonder about those years. They seemed free and spontaneous, I remember thinking that those years were when my parents were living THEIR lives and that they were most truly themselves at that point.
Yet, now that I am at that age it seems to be the opposite. These are the years between my real life of education and my real life of being settled, or at least that is how I was feeling. I am finding that I am turning a corner, starting to see this as just as valid a part of my life as anything before or after.
Back to my original point. As my family grew up holidays started to feel lack luster because they were not as exciting. Now I am finding them as fun as they were before. I look forawrd to seeing my siblings and hearing about what they are doing. I have discovered an amazing understanding and unity of having an entirely adult family. For better or for worse we are more friends now and our manner is unnervingly causal. I'm starting to think we'll look back on these adult only holidays with a special fondness as a time when we were at oddly similar places in our lives.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
More Thankfulness
13- I'm thankful for a beautiful day for a hike!
14- I'm thankful for a clear head and a plan, it feels pretty awesome.
15- I'm thankful for little surprises like homemade waffles.
16- I'm thankful for a brother and sister who are just great people. I know I already said family but this one is different to me so there.
17- I hate to say it, but I'm thankful to live in MA with the health insurance rules, it makes life and life decisions way easier to make.
18- I'm thankful that my apartment manager is so cool! They called me to let me know there was a car parked in my space and they found me somewhere else to park.
19- I'm thankful for parents who are willing to store furniture I don't have room for now but really don't want to lose.
20- I am thankful for a boss last year who taught me how to let go of items and de-clutter, my life has been improved by it.
21- I'm thankful to live in a country that is so free and has so much. I realize this probably seems like the wrong year (decade?) to say that but I think every now and then it's important to get a little perspective. We're in trouble absolutely, but we are better off than a lot of places and that is still something to be thankful.
22- I am thankful that I am working so much I feel like I have no time. The opposite problem is far worse.
23- I'm thankful for ice cream!
24- I'm thankful for modern technology that makes it so easy to stay connected.
14- I'm thankful for a clear head and a plan, it feels pretty awesome.
15- I'm thankful for little surprises like homemade waffles.
16- I'm thankful for a brother and sister who are just great people. I know I already said family but this one is different to me so there.
17- I hate to say it, but I'm thankful to live in MA with the health insurance rules, it makes life and life decisions way easier to make.
18- I'm thankful that my apartment manager is so cool! They called me to let me know there was a car parked in my space and they found me somewhere else to park.
19- I'm thankful for parents who are willing to store furniture I don't have room for now but really don't want to lose.
20- I am thankful for a boss last year who taught me how to let go of items and de-clutter, my life has been improved by it.
21- I'm thankful to live in a country that is so free and has so much. I realize this probably seems like the wrong year (decade?) to say that but I think every now and then it's important to get a little perspective. We're in trouble absolutely, but we are better off than a lot of places and that is still something to be thankful.
22- I am thankful that I am working so much I feel like I have no time. The opposite problem is far worse.
23- I'm thankful for ice cream!
24- I'm thankful for modern technology that makes it so easy to stay connected.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thankfulness
So lots of people do thankful fb statuses during November. I prefer to do it this way.
1-I'm thankful for my understanding husband who is incredible patient with me.
2-I'm thankful for my health.
3- I'm thankful for my new job!
4- I'm super thankful that I live in New England again!
5- I'm thankful to hear good news from a friend.
6- I'm thankful for my new apartment.
7-I'm thankful for my pups and how happy they make me.
8- I'm thankful for my family.
9- I'm thankful for chai tea.
10- I'm thankful to live in a city that allows me so many opportunities.
11-I'm thankful for friends to go out with!
12- I am thankful for a well stocked freezer and a 2011 that has been SO MUCH better than 2010. I'm so happy to finally be able to ring IN a new year instead of tell the old one not to let the door hit it on the way out.
1-I'm thankful for my understanding husband who is incredible patient with me.
2-I'm thankful for my health.
3- I'm thankful for my new job!
4- I'm super thankful that I live in New England again!
5- I'm thankful to hear good news from a friend.
6- I'm thankful for my new apartment.
7-I'm thankful for my pups and how happy they make me.
8- I'm thankful for my family.
9- I'm thankful for chai tea.
10- I'm thankful to live in a city that allows me so many opportunities.
11-I'm thankful for friends to go out with!
12- I am thankful for a well stocked freezer and a 2011 that has been SO MUCH better than 2010. I'm so happy to finally be able to ring IN a new year instead of tell the old one not to let the door hit it on the way out.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Being Mature (well, trying to be...)
I can't sleep because I am frustrated with myself. I know my work performance has not been exactly what it should be and that frustrates me because really there is no reason for that. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in any work related "drama." Admittedly at a job with 100% female employees that is super difficult to do. I have a tough skin which is to my advantage, but I also have a quick wit and tend to lack a filter, especially when I think what I have to say is undeniably clever, which is to my disadvantage. So basically find myself in a perfect position to be a complete bitch. I am pretty un-phased by what others about me and not unrelenting in what I think about them. This is not who I want to be at all. I know better.
I keep promising that I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.
I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.
I keep promising that I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.
I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Reminder to Myself
Breath, keep the big picture in mind. This is a stepping stone and a way to explore options easily. It is a way to make some money and to keep myself alive. J has been where I am now and I need to keep that in mind. This is not a popularity contest, the aggravations are not meant as personal attacks. No one is mad at me. I'm not here to make people like me I just need to make sure my job is done well. This too shall pass.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Clearing My Mind
I can't sleep and I need to clear my mind. I know that for far too long I have had no form of stress relief and that because of that I now have no outlet. I know what I want to do to relieve stress but I have no money to do that with. I'm in such a tricky place because of that. If I pay money to allow me to do a hobby that will cause me stress but if I continue to allow myself to have no hobby that will cause my stress. I do not know what I should do.
I am trying to not let the stress of my life get to me too badly. I try so hard to leave the negativity behind so it doesn't suck the life out of me but it is absolutely failing. It's failing because I have no outlet. Where will I ever find this money to relieve the stress that having no money causes? I have lots of things I can do in my home to relieve stress but that will not provide me with fellowship of people my age so it will only get me so far. Until I have friends I'm fairly certain this stress will be unending. I think I'm going to go play with budgets to find the money for me time before I die.
I am trying to not let the stress of my life get to me too badly. I try so hard to leave the negativity behind so it doesn't suck the life out of me but it is absolutely failing. It's failing because I have no outlet. Where will I ever find this money to relieve the stress that having no money causes? I have lots of things I can do in my home to relieve stress but that will not provide me with fellowship of people my age so it will only get me so far. Until I have friends I'm fairly certain this stress will be unending. I think I'm going to go play with budgets to find the money for me time before I die.
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