Relieved

After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.

J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.

I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.

I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.

This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.

I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.