Settling in and Making Plans

So things are beginning to come together in my little world. As it turns out, my apartment has a floor and not just and endless array of boxes! We still have a long ways too go before it really feel like a home, but it's getting there. I hung up most of our pictures today which always brings the place together and makes it feel more inviting.





I have two jobs now, and I am seriously hoping that coordinating between the two will not be a nightmare. As long as the coordination works out alright then this is good. When we were planning the move James and I sat down and decided that we each needed to make '$X' per week for this to work, and I will be in that number range. Yeah go me! Things are looking good for James too so life is pretty peachy.

I began the process of looking at grad schools last week. The idea of applying to grad school is scaring the crud out of me. I think because there are only two schools in the area that offer a Masters degree in what I want to take. BLAH! That makes me really nervous, I think I might apply to other schools with slightly different programs as well I am still at least a little bit torn on what I want to do with my life. By the time I figure it out I will be old and gray. Oh life why are you so complicated?

Moved in

I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but at least James and I can see the apartment floor. I think he's liking the city as much as I am. I enjoy walking to the store while we talk about what's fir dinner. I love the simplicity of having everything I need within walking distance. I have no idea how I will feel once the honeymoon phase is over, but right now I love my new home.

11 Days

The days are just flying by at this point. I feel like I am running a marathon. I'm constantly exhausted but there is so much more to go so I just keep moving. I'm very proud of what I accomplished today though. I ended services at our current place and got them set up at the new place. I found out that I will indeed graduate in September (FINALLY!!!) I cleaned the kitchen, made pizza from scratch, talked to S and landed at least some temporary employment at in the city.

This job is temporary at the moment because I am going to be babysitting and the mom wants to make sure we mesh, but if we do I believe this will be a very good thing. She has tons of information about the field I want to go into and I think she can help me open the right doors. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be, and if it is then it will all work out.

And of course talking to S was wonderful. She understands everything about this awkward transitional moment we are stuck in, and the frustration that even though we did everything right, circumstances beyond us landed us in a horrible position to get jobs. I am so happy to have her to talk about these things to, and I cannot wait to be close again.

Day 22

Tired, not too much to write, but I really want to get something written down from now until Boston. I cannot believe it is already Thursday this week flew and the next few will too, and then I will be gone. I am excited though because I have had it up to my eyeballs with stories about domestic abuse in this state. I'm starting to feel like there is something wrong with the water that's making people think this is normal.

23 More Days

I've spent most the day with my head in the clouds because I had a Dr appointment this afternoon. Anyone who knows me knows that this means I spent the day niiiiice and drugged to ease the anxiety of doctors appointments. I cleaned out the office a bit, to get prepared for the movers. I really really hate the idea of strangers moving our stuff. Especially ones that are contracted out by the army. The whole thing makes me feel spied on.

For what it's worth I am aware that that is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's still how I feel. I have been attempting to clean a lot and hide anything incriminating in cardboard boxes and stack them in a closet to make it look like that's just how we store stuff. (Which is partially true.)I'm pretty grumpy at the moment because I had the inkling of a poem in my head earlier today but the phone rang and ruined it. Fortunately I had the for thought to write down the name of the song that gave me the thought, so maybe I'll be able to retrieve it later.

Well Couscous Shebang!!! is ready so I have to go.

Count Down to Move--- 24 days

I hate transitions. What I hate more is the time between when you know one is happening and when it happens. I always feel awkward and unsettled until it's over. Like with this move, I feel detached from everything here but not yet attached to anything at home. I am floating in between. I tear up when I'm with Z all the time knowing that soon I am leaving. He has grown up so much since I started watching him.

Ever since J started got out of the army things have been worse. Suddenly he has a job he likes and it feel like we have a family, a really close family. Now that we are finally feeling settled here it's time to go home. I'm ready, I just acknowledge the emotions, I don't try to fight them. I cannot change them. They are healthy things for me to feel right now. When Z talks about it I try to tell him that too. When he says he is said I tell him it's ok to be said because I'm said too, but that's normal, and in life sometime people have to move but you will always be close.

Thankfully the replacement sitter seems to be working out well. That takes a lot of my burden away from me. Only 24 more days. I hope to post every night between now and them.

Moving Anxiety

I feel sad. It's natural and inevitable, just like this move but it's sad. Being an adult and realizing that pain is simply a part of life hurts and is almost more annoying than being young and ignorant. At least I know I am approaching this with a healthy mature attitude.

The Big Move

So James and I are moving to Boston at the end of the July. The paper work is all in order and everything. I've packed away seasonal items and we are making sure our meal plans include anything that's left in the freezer.

I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.

I feel light

I feel a sense of peace that I have never before felt in my life. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I know I am headed in the right direction and I know that I don't need all the answers right now. I am in love with some one who makes my life better, I have my priorities where they should be and I am ready for this step.

Relieved

After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.

J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.

I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.

I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.

This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.

I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.