Falling in Love Again

A cheesy post just in time for Valentines Day

I have a new co-worker who I think is really great. One thing about her that cracks me up though is that she is obsessed with the idea of getting married. I personally can completely understand because I have been there. She's a helpless romantic as I am, plus I think on a sub conscience level I think being married represents stability and certainty in life. She is older than me by a mere 10 days so that fact that I am creeping toward my 3rd anniversary is a topic of interest for her.

I spent Friday fielding questions about how J and I met, how I could have possibly known he was that one, and what my wedding was like. To be honest I haven't thought about my wedding in much detail at all since my wedding so reminiscing on Friday was an enlightening experience.

There is a lot I would change about my wedding day if I could, specifically I got talked into a much bigger affair than I would have chosen. That sounds insane because there were maybe 35 people there, but it's true. In my fantasy I would have liked about 10, but the cuts get too deep at that point and it's just not realistic. I was getting married on a deadline, 5 months from proposal to wedding day. When I look back on it I realize that I was just making decisions quickly to get them out of the way. I didn't get to spend a lot of time on them because I had much more important things to do like get good grades in the 3 most important classes for my major.

 Of course this is a little different than what co-worker would like for her big day and she asked lots of questions about it. As I answered them I realized that I did one thing right about my wedding day. During the planning I had one mantra, I wanted to make official to God and our families what James and I had known almost immediately, that we were committed for life. (And I figured why not make it official to the State of New Hampshire as well, for the tax break? lol) When I answer her questions I realize that I really kept my priorities in sight. I went there that day to make a commitment to J and that's what I did and I was too in love to let any details (like the fact that a lighting bolt killed the CD player so we had no music) phase me.

One of the rings I really like

I was unable to answer any questions about my ring however, as far as how many carats it is or things of that nature. (In fact, I thought only diamonds were measured in carats, turns out my aquamarine ring is too! I so fail at being girly.) When I got home I headed to the website where I my engagement ring to get some estimated answers. it is  I talked myself down before I even entered the web address. "Don't get your heart set on anything you already have your ring..." ect ect. I thought for sure looking at all those rings would leave me lusting after something, after all I'm only human.

another ring I think is beautiful

As I scrolled through the pages I saw some and though "that's cute," "I would have like that one too, " "that would have made a nice engagement ring," then suddenly I was my ring. As soon as I saw it all others faded from my mind, they are all very nice but this one is perfect for me.  It's everything I have ever fantasied about in a piece of cold overpriced metal and rock. Every detail screams that it was made for me and when I saw it I had no doubt that it was the perfect choice.

MY RING!!!!!!!!!!

The experience gave me butterflies and wedding jitters all over again. The symbolism was not lost on my highly literary mind. It was a perfect analogy for J. There are more stylish men, men who could enjoy Shakespeare with me, even men who share my desire to never ever leave Boston with me, but when I see J they fade out of view. Everything about him screams that he is perfect for me and I have no doubt in my mind that no one could even tolerate me at my worst, and he loves me on those days. I have spent the entire weekend in newly wed bliss. Every time I look at him I get butterflies. This re-falling in love with the same person thing is pretty crazy when you think about it, I guess I must really love him. 

notes: the website is www.antiquejewelrymall.com and I really had my heart set on an aquamarine engagement ring which is why all the pictures are of aquamarines. All the ring pictures are from the site.

Like Mirrors

My parents had all their children very close in age. I am the oldest, 22 months later they had my sister and 26 months after that they had my brother. There is a lot to be said about having siblings so close in age. Now that we are in our 20's (or very close to it) the gap is starting to close and we are beginning to realize how close in age we really are. An odd added benefit of this is it keeps me in touch with where I was two and four years ago. This serves a double purpose of keeping me humble and reminding myself that I wasn't always the mature responsible individual I am now, and it helps me see how far I've come in two short years.

This is really affecting me right now. I live with my sister so the comparisons happen in my mind constantly. She will say something that I think to myself sounds a little immature and I immediately think about whether I would have said the same thing two years ago; the answer is almost always yes. The more this happens the more I think "have I really grown up so much in two years?" I  have but  my next question is "should have I grown up so much in two years?" That is a question I will continue to puzzle over.

NY Times Article is Bugging me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general

I am not sure if I love or hate this ^ article. It's all about how everyone is "taking the scenic route" through life and how people in their 20's are all adult-children. I like the article for because it makes me feel like I am living life right on schedule, for the first time ever. I hate it because I like feeling like I'm an original. I am also generally annoyed with the writers tone. Does he assume no one in their 20's will be reading his article?

The part of the article that I related to most was the part in which he talks about people in this age group acting like adults in some ways but not in others. I feel this way all the time. Babysitting is not an "adult" job, but it is real adult responsibility. I also hate being insured through James because it makes me feel like he's my dad and grosses me out. I realize that's silly and even if my job had benefits I could still be insured through him. But regardless it makes me feel like a child.

I realized recently how much more of an adult I felt like in OK. Part of the reason for this is the low, low cost of living in OK. In general though, I feel like I was treated like an adult more there, probably because people take on adult roles like marriage and full time jobs there. As I am writing this I am noticing that the "emerging adulthood" he talks about in the article is non-existent in Lawton. And once again this is a post to nowhere, but I feel less confused now. It's so interesting to me how overwhelming anxiety can seem until I write my anxious feelings down. Once they are written somewhere I think "wait THAT's what I was worried about." OMG I am rambling.

Taking the Scenic Route

Yesterday I wrote (very wittily if I do say so myself) that this blog is about taking the scenic route through life. Since writing it I've been thinking about what it means and why I do it. This post is going to be my ramblings on that topic.

When I wrote that I take the scenic route I meant that I deviate from the prescribed path for success that we get fed so much in middle and high school. I have no problem with that path, except that it is delivered as one- size- fits- all recipe for success. It does not take the individual into account at all, or even describe what it considers to be success. The one thing I am immensely proud of is that I was able to see that the “do well in school, get good grades, do lots of extracurricular activities, go to college, come out four years later super awesome” method was not going to work for me.

I am proud of this because it took self awareness and bravery to be able to understand why this wouldn’t work for me. I was able to understand that I had been going through school on auto-pilot and needed a break to actually experience my life, and I was brave enough to actually do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it was really scary. I could hear all the voices of guidance counselors and principals saying that people who take a break never go back (which is a pet peeve of mine for another day.) I knew I’d go back, I knew I’d finish, but what good would a degree be for me if I still had no idea who I was?

Of course I am giving myself way too much credit here. It’s not like I took a break and sailed around the world. I was married (waaaaay too young I might add,) and I went to live on the other side of the country. If I had it to do again I wouldn’t have been married and I would have taken a solo adventure of some kind. Still, as it was it was a very good decision. I left loose, I learned about myself and I learned what I could and couldn’t control. I took the best job ever, and that I can’t take credit for. That was all God, or luck or fate if you are so inclined. I got to learn how to kick back and have fun. I got to relive a small part of my life that I’d felt I’d missed all while getting paid.

Now I am home, married, and living the college life. I am working and going to school, but for the first time with enough money to take an occasional night or weekend to have fun. I love my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I was rambling through this, but it felt good.

Time

Tonight I'm not using specifics and I am operating on a worse case scenario basis. I am rolling with my thoughts. I have trouble praying because I almost feel like it's telling God I don't trust him. I have been praying for him but I also believe God has a plan for everything. I am sad but I am peaceful. He has had a good life and a a full one. I am grateful for the relationship we have. Grateful that he saw me get married, grateful that he got to "know" about my graduation. I am sad that that didn't happen for other people, but I can't worry about that. I just believe that life just happens and I have to make the best of it that I can. And that's what I am doing. He has taught me so much and he is the person who brought me to church. My life is a good one. I am sad that my moves are always so emotional but that is life. I am at peace. Sadness is natural, death is part of life.

Count Down to Move--- 24 days

I hate transitions. What I hate more is the time between when you know one is happening and when it happens. I always feel awkward and unsettled until it's over. Like with this move, I feel detached from everything here but not yet attached to anything at home. I am floating in between. I tear up when I'm with Z all the time knowing that soon I am leaving. He has grown up so much since I started watching him.

Ever since J started got out of the army things have been worse. Suddenly he has a job he likes and it feel like we have a family, a really close family. Now that we are finally feeling settled here it's time to go home. I'm ready, I just acknowledge the emotions, I don't try to fight them. I cannot change them. They are healthy things for me to feel right now. When Z talks about it I try to tell him that too. When he says he is said I tell him it's ok to be said because I'm said too, but that's normal, and in life sometime people have to move but you will always be close.

Thankfully the replacement sitter seems to be working out well. That takes a lot of my burden away from me. Only 24 more days. I hope to post every night between now and them.

Pre Wedding Myspace

OK. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but lately it has just been making me feel so much better about my "issues" that I can't seem to stop for the life of me. I am very overwhelmed about what I am in for in the next 14 months. My fault I know, and I am looking forward to most of this but I am also…. Well overwhelmed is the only way to phrase it.

First of all I have this semester to tackle (a breeze compared to the bear of a semester I had this fall!) And I am finishing up wedding plans (and realizing how short a five month engagement truly is. I only have 101 days left as a single woman.) After my last final I will have five days before my wedding so I will be working and finalizing wedding stuff, having the rehearsal dinner ( bachelorette party? Hint hint) and making cupcakes in a variety of flavors. After that comes a great week in Italy which I am so stoked about. I don't think I will see even close to everything that I want to see.



I will come home from the honeymoon and have about a week until J leaves. I've decided to drive out with him so I'll be gone for like 3 or 4 day just driving to Washington state and taking a plane back just to steal to few more days with my then hubby. (That will take getting used to.) After that I will have a weekend which invariably means I will be working the kind of overnight shifts that prompt these rants.

Then I will hopefully be teaching summer school. This will be a full time job which I will have to pay UNH for in order to receive credit, but it will also be awesome. (I hope.) I will of course be working weekends trying to earn my keep but work will be basically impossible. That ends about the same day James comes home. Then I would really like to take a vacation but I want to see James too so that will really depend on when school starts and other variables. I hope for at least a few days camping in Acadia again because it is beautiful up their.

Then my last semester. I originally had hoped that I would be able to take three classes and get a full time job doing something in a school but that is looking less and less likely at the moment. Oh well. Then J leaves again in October so I guess I will just go to school, work, and visit people when I can because my apartment will be so empty. (HA! My apartment is tiny it will still be quite full with me and Shuppi!) Of course everything I just listed is what I do anyway, but usually I have J to commiserate to every night and I will have to learn how to deal that that. Anyways I will graduate in December and then J will be home shortly after that.

After Christmas I will chilling in Oklahoma for a little (4 months to be exact) where I will at least get a mild second fall of the winter. It does get cold there but nothing like this winter we are experiencing. It stays above freezing. This mild winter will be very important to me since after that I will be moving to ALASKA! Thankfully I will be moving in April when the weather is decent, but no worries the snow starts flying in September and today in Fairbanks (where I will be) it is a pleasant -21 before the wind chill. I will be the most pleasant New Englander ever when I return. (Actually after Alaska we will be spending time in Arizona so maybe not.)

What overwhelms me is that this is all happening in about 14 months. It sounds like enough stuff to be a couple of years worth of changes but no it is all happening quickly. It looks so much more manageable written down than in my head.

Untitled

Relived some angry points in my life today, but then realized how little it all matters. I'm trying to live in the moment and live day to day because I'd hate to be one of those people who spends there life waiting for it to begin. My biggest desire is to move past the anger.

Moving Anxiety

I feel sad. It's natural and inevitable, just like this move but it's sad. Being an adult and realizing that pain is simply a part of life hurts and is almost more annoying than being young and ignorant. At least I know I am approaching this with a healthy mature attitude.

Myspace March 11, 2009

I can't remember where I heard this originally, I have a feeling it was a crappy movie or TV show, but a character in it is talking about how if a younger version of himself could see him now he'd be so disappointed. Well I am happy to say it was come to my attention that if a younger version of me could see me now, right now at this very chaotic moment in my life, she would be damn proud.

I spend a lot of time wishing that my life were stable and that I had the answers. I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the awesomeness that is New England that I never even knew was awesome about it before I left (which is saying something because I pretty much always new I lived in the coolest part of the country!!) But then I realize that I would be so disappointed if I was still there. I always wanted to grow up to be the girl who saw the world, and who made decisions on a moments notice. I never once wanted to pass up an opportunity. I wanted to marry too young and pick up and leave at a whim. I wanted to be tied to nothing but my own fancies and desires.

Well as I think back on my childhood fantasies I realize that I am living them. They seemed a lot more romantic from a distance and a lot less scary, but they are mine and I am who I always dreamed I would be. Lately whenever I feel overwhelmed I think about how cool that is and I feel empowered. My future is a giant looming question mark and I'm going to fill it will surprising decisions and amazing adventures!

Unstoppable: from my Myspace

..............

I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.

I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.

I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.

I feel light

I feel a sense of peace that I have never before felt in my life. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I know I am headed in the right direction and I know that I don't need all the answers right now. I am in love with some one who makes my life better, I have my priorities where they should be and I am ready for this step.

Relieved

After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.

J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.

I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.

I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.

This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.

I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.

Here I am, half way through another week. Exhausted, I bit off more than I could chew yet again this semester. Going back to school as a real adult is seriously tiring and difficult. I have serious respect for anyone who does it.

My Bible as Lit class is super interesting. I actually like the Old Testament as ancient literature much better than I like it as doctrine. I also like reading parts of the Bible straight through. I might make that a resolution. Actually I have not articulated an of my New Years Resolutions this year so I will do that here.

1-lose 20 lbs. My goal is 1 lb per week. I haven't weighted my self in a few days so I don't know how well I am doing.

2- Write an entire book, or an entire book of poems, I have the ideas in my head, it's just about getting them where they need to be. This is the one I really need to work on more.

3-Save $1000.00 It's been a long time since I have been able to put money away so I will start small.

4-Exercise 4 times per week. So far I rode my bike to work once this week. Yeah, not doing so well with this one yet.

5-Read 30 books this year. So far I have read two one was Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood and was awesome. The other I read for a book club. It was called In Another Man's Bed and was awful. Well that is all I have for now, time to get the little man fed and ready for school.

Hopefully I will do this more this year also.