Feeling Safe

"I never realize how much I like home until I've been somewhere really different for a while." ~ Juno

Yesterday I went to the Deerfield Fair for the first time in 7 years. I am very surprised at how fun it was considering that I couldn't go on any rides. (stupid collar bone :- / ) All I did was watch the herding dog demonstration, which I of course found fascinating, and a little bit of the horse pull which I love, looked at the animals, and eat some fried dough.

I really don't think it would have mattered what I did as long as I was there. It was the most at home and relaxed I've felt in years. The weather was crisp and autumnal and it felt amazing. Fall has always been my least favorite season, I still really loved it but it was no where near as for me as the three that I missed. Suddenly I was experiencing fall like I never had. It's picturesque and perfect I'm still amazed at how being away for a while can change my views.

What was the most striking for me was how incredible comfortable James and I were in public. I never felt comfortable in public in Oklahoma because of our circumstances. Anywhere we went in OK most the people around us was part of the culture we were rebelling against. The represented constant reminders of the impossible fight that we were fighting. Even though we were the only ones who knew, it still made our environment seem hostile.

Now we are back in the environment that helped shaped our beliefs and the relief is huge. I even occasionally tell people the truth, the whole truth and they are not phased by it. It makes changes how I view everything. There was a big army recruiting station (not sure was it was supposed to be, but that's what it actually was) right next to the dog demonstration we watched. I can't explain how, but knowing that we were probably not alone in thinking it was obnoxious changed it in my mind from a "threat" (I hate using that word but ultimately that's what it was in my brain) to a trivial nuisance. I especially loved listening to James mock it without anger, fear, or hatred in his voice. At some point our ridiculously high stress levels became normal to us and I truly believed we'd live like that forever. I can't believe what a relief it is to let it all go.

Thoughts, 21 days

Ugh, I'm sleepy, but now that I've started this habit it's impossible to sleep without it. (Which is both good and bad.)I'm going to try to get this out quick and I'll deal with punctuation later.

First of all I love that I am getting over the misplacement of my anger issues with the army. I still have a long way to go and will still avoid the shortest line in Wal-Mart if it means I would have to stand next to someone in uniform, but it's not affecting how I get to know people. Essentially it is still affecting my view of passing strangers, but not affecting my ability to get to know somebody. I have met a few people recently who I genuinely like to have military careers that leave them fulfilled and I am able to see them as decent human begins even good, albeit flawed, people. (But who among us is not flawed?) I have found more peace than I have ever expected to gain and I am so grateful for that lifted burden.

Secondly I have been making peace with a lot of past frustration. This peace stems from an incident, but it's not important to name that incident. Basically I have been realizing that I expect everyone to approach problems with a similiar mind set and skill set as my own. Obviously that's not going to happen. What's more is I've been engaging in the useless practice of giving people advice that I had to learn the hard way. It is the most pointless venture I can imagine. It's like giving a 13 year old a high school diploma and expecting to be able to survive in college. The paper is meaningless without the work it took to earn it.

I'm not saying that people never listen, but a lot of the time I feel like I am giving them extremely valuable information, that they are not mentally ready to use yet because they haven't had the experience to prepare themselves mentally. I am so totally rambling.

Lastly, I'm over my self righteousness about what I did for myself and what I went without. I have realized that everyone is a victim of their circumstance and I shouldn't judge people based on theirs anymore than I would want to be judged based on mine. Actually the one thing I am going to mis about the culture out here is the socioeconomic culture. I feel much more at comfortable and middle class than I ever did or probably will at home. My mind is still going 90 miles an hour but I'm done typing now. Goodnight.

Untitled

Relived some angry points in my life today, but then realized how little it all matters. I'm trying to live in the moment and live day to day because I'd hate to be one of those people who spends there life waiting for it to begin. My biggest desire is to move past the anger.

Unstoppable: from my Myspace

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I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.

I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.

I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.

The Whole Story

And finally I can tell my whole story, or more of it anyway. It’s been a long frustrating battle but it’s over now and I am soooooo happy .
So my hubby joined the Army Reserves when he was 18. He concurrently was in ROTC at college and planned to be a career military officer. After 2 years in ROTC he decided he would do his 4 years and get out. At the time we were friends, nothing more but I already could feel the tension growing. He got more and more frustrated as the years went on, but he was still convinced that his cause was a normal one. We got married right after he graduated from college, and I was trying to graduate early.

That’s when it all went to shit. A few weeks after graduating he got “volunteered” to run ROTC’s version of Basic Training. There he found that it was a regular occurrence for officers who had screwed up to blame someone of a lower rank. That he could have dealt with, but eventually he was being COMMANDED to lie to corroborate their stories. He got some cadets in serious trouble doing this, for things they didn’t even do. He was sick about it and hated himself.
After 6 months of soul searching he decided to write a letter of resignation and see what happened. What happened is they said “no” to his resignation. So he decided getting out was the only option he could live with and that he would do it by any means necessary, and most importantly he would not participate in anything he felt was illegal or immoral along the way. Doing it this was took just under two years.

That time was stressful and heart wrenching. We went through the whole thing 2000 miles away from family, the whole time never knowing when we’d make it back. We lived a lie to pretty much everyone we met, we couldn’t just share this story in a military town. But it’s over now, he’s out, and he never has to go back. This is the short version

Relieved

After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.

J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.

I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.

I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.

This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.

I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.