Grampa

Blah, the whole purpose of this post is to make it feel real to me. I really stink at dealing with death. I tend to just not think about it because thinking doesn't accomplish anything in my mind. But of course, it is part of the grieving process and I know that I need to grieve, so here I am.

So Grampa died last night, it seems so incredibly unbelievable. I can't get over how quickly this all happened. I am so glad that I came home early. In a way I felt like he was already gone he has been slipping away slowly for about a month.

I find it easier to know that he's gone than to know that he will be soon. The hardest part of death for me is wanting someone to hold on when you know that's not even fair to them. I was having trouble dealing with my emotions while he was still alive. Trying to deal with the fact that he was dying while appreciating the time we had left was a difficult balance. This is easier.

Overall I am really happy. He lived a good life, in-spite of his childhood. He was there for his family and friends when we needed him. I'm glad we were close. The thing I am having trouble coming to terms with is that this is no ones fault and nothing important was left unsaid or undone. That being said time just ran out. Stories I didn't tell remain untold, he never saw my apartment, really stupid things like that are what get me. I can barely remember life before we lived with Meme and Grampa and he was always there to share our accomplishments. The idea that he won't be there to share in them anymore is just strange. Well now I'm crying at least this post served it's purpose.