Grampa

Blah, the whole purpose of this post is to make it feel real to me. I really stink at dealing with death. I tend to just not think about it because thinking doesn't accomplish anything in my mind. But of course, it is part of the grieving process and I know that I need to grieve, so here I am.

So Grampa died last night, it seems so incredibly unbelievable. I can't get over how quickly this all happened. I am so glad that I came home early. In a way I felt like he was already gone he has been slipping away slowly for about a month.

I find it easier to know that he's gone than to know that he will be soon. The hardest part of death for me is wanting someone to hold on when you know that's not even fair to them. I was having trouble dealing with my emotions while he was still alive. Trying to deal with the fact that he was dying while appreciating the time we had left was a difficult balance. This is easier.

Overall I am really happy. He lived a good life, in-spite of his childhood. He was there for his family and friends when we needed him. I'm glad we were close. The thing I am having trouble coming to terms with is that this is no ones fault and nothing important was left unsaid or undone. That being said time just ran out. Stories I didn't tell remain untold, he never saw my apartment, really stupid things like that are what get me. I can barely remember life before we lived with Meme and Grampa and he was always there to share our accomplishments. The idea that he won't be there to share in them anymore is just strange. Well now I'm crying at least this post served it's purpose.

Nightmares/ Adjustments and Who Knows

I know that MA is a much better place for me to be living but I really hate adjustments. Right now I feel guilty and stupid about every decision I make. I have nightmares EVERY SINGLE night and I just can't shake them. It makes waking up stressful and I've waken up with a killer headache every single morning since I moved. I am depressed over Grampa, scared and depressed about where I am with my life and I am intimidated about what the heck my next moves will be. Ugh I hate this.

Time

Tonight I'm not using specifics and I am operating on a worse case scenario basis. I am rolling with my thoughts. I have trouble praying because I almost feel like it's telling God I don't trust him. I have been praying for him but I also believe God has a plan for everything. I am sad but I am peaceful. He has had a good life and a a full one. I am grateful for the relationship we have. Grateful that he saw me get married, grateful that he got to "know" about my graduation. I am sad that that didn't happen for other people, but I can't worry about that. I just believe that life just happens and I have to make the best of it that I can. And that's what I am doing. He has taught me so much and he is the person who brought me to church. My life is a good one. I am sad that my moves are always so emotional but that is life. I am at peace. Sadness is natural, death is part of life.