Here I am, half way through another week. Exhausted, I bit off more than I could chew yet again this semester. Going back to school as a real adult is seriously tiring and difficult. I have serious respect for anyone who does it.
My Bible as Lit class is super interesting. I actually like the Old Testament as ancient literature much better than I like it as doctrine. I also like reading parts of the Bible straight through. I might make that a resolution. Actually I have not articulated an of my New Years Resolutions this year so I will do that here.
1-lose 20 lbs. My goal is 1 lb per week. I haven't weighted my self in a few days so I don't know how well I am doing.
2- Write an entire book, or an entire book of poems, I have the ideas in my head, it's just about getting them where they need to be. This is the one I really need to work on more.
3-Save $1000.00 It's been a long time since I have been able to put money away so I will start small.
4-Exercise 4 times per week. So far I rode my bike to work once this week. Yeah, not doing so well with this one yet.
5-Read 30 books this year. So far I have read two one was Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood and was awesome. The other I read for a book club. It was called In Another Man's Bed and was awful. Well that is all I have for now, time to get the little man fed and ready for school.
Hopefully I will do this more this year also.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Just Babbling
I've been feeling our of sorts this week. Found out some really frustrating information that hasn't helped much. Apparently in his report the psychologist that evaluated hubby actually said that he has paranoid and depressed, like I knew, but that he didn't require help. I don't know what psychologist would say he was paranoid and depressed and still totally fine to be in the army, things like this just make it abundantly clear how the Fort Hood shooting happened. That man is the reason for my disillusionment with, well actually pretty much with people. I really thought people were harder to buy and sell out, but I am learning from this experience that people will be bought and sold for unbelievable low prices.
I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.
Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.
It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.
I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?
This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.
I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.
Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.
It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.
I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?
This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Starting to Write Again
Friday January 15, 2010
In an attempt to start writing every day I am going to start with a dream dictionary, at least for today because last night’s dream was haunting to me. Meme and Grampa had a friend over who was some life time army guy. He was a super nice guy, but when he started discussing the army with me I couldn’t hold back how I felt and it made me so angry that a nice person could have such opposite views from me about the whole thing. Eventually my inability to deal with the frustration of the encounter lead to me punching a wall and taking a lot of Clonapin to try to basically put me out of my mind. So yeah, there is some obvious reasons for why I had this dream. On a more positive note I have found that taking Clonapin to help me sleep (by avoiding my nightly anxiety attack) doesn’t have the “never-wake-up” affect on me that it used to have, and that my sex life is coming back despite being on Celexa. I guess that means that deep depression was the cause for those things which is good to learn. Plus J coming out of his own depression is endlessly helpful for our marriage. What a crazy first 18 months we’ve had and it looks like it will be another 6 before we are out of the dark. If we can survive our first two years of marriage we can survive anything.
In an attempt to start writing every day I am going to start with a dream dictionary, at least for today because last night’s dream was haunting to me. Meme and Grampa had a friend over who was some life time army guy. He was a super nice guy, but when he started discussing the army with me I couldn’t hold back how I felt and it made me so angry that a nice person could have such opposite views from me about the whole thing. Eventually my inability to deal with the frustration of the encounter lead to me punching a wall and taking a lot of Clonapin to try to basically put me out of my mind. So yeah, there is some obvious reasons for why I had this dream. On a more positive note I have found that taking Clonapin to help me sleep (by avoiding my nightly anxiety attack) doesn’t have the “never-wake-up” affect on me that it used to have, and that my sex life is coming back despite being on Celexa. I guess that means that deep depression was the cause for those things which is good to learn. Plus J coming out of his own depression is endlessly helpful for our marriage. What a crazy first 18 months we’ve had and it looks like it will be another 6 before we are out of the dark. If we can survive our first two years of marriage we can survive anything.
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