Falling in Love Again

A cheesy post just in time for Valentines Day

I have a new co-worker who I think is really great. One thing about her that cracks me up though is that she is obsessed with the idea of getting married. I personally can completely understand because I have been there. She's a helpless romantic as I am, plus I think on a sub conscience level I think being married represents stability and certainty in life. She is older than me by a mere 10 days so that fact that I am creeping toward my 3rd anniversary is a topic of interest for her.

I spent Friday fielding questions about how J and I met, how I could have possibly known he was that one, and what my wedding was like. To be honest I haven't thought about my wedding in much detail at all since my wedding so reminiscing on Friday was an enlightening experience.

There is a lot I would change about my wedding day if I could, specifically I got talked into a much bigger affair than I would have chosen. That sounds insane because there were maybe 35 people there, but it's true. In my fantasy I would have liked about 10, but the cuts get too deep at that point and it's just not realistic. I was getting married on a deadline, 5 months from proposal to wedding day. When I look back on it I realize that I was just making decisions quickly to get them out of the way. I didn't get to spend a lot of time on them because I had much more important things to do like get good grades in the 3 most important classes for my major.

 Of course this is a little different than what co-worker would like for her big day and she asked lots of questions about it. As I answered them I realized that I did one thing right about my wedding day. During the planning I had one mantra, I wanted to make official to God and our families what James and I had known almost immediately, that we were committed for life. (And I figured why not make it official to the State of New Hampshire as well, for the tax break? lol) When I answer her questions I realize that I really kept my priorities in sight. I went there that day to make a commitment to J and that's what I did and I was too in love to let any details (like the fact that a lighting bolt killed the CD player so we had no music) phase me.

One of the rings I really like

I was unable to answer any questions about my ring however, as far as how many carats it is or things of that nature. (In fact, I thought only diamonds were measured in carats, turns out my aquamarine ring is too! I so fail at being girly.) When I got home I headed to the website where I my engagement ring to get some estimated answers. it is  I talked myself down before I even entered the web address. "Don't get your heart set on anything you already have your ring..." ect ect. I thought for sure looking at all those rings would leave me lusting after something, after all I'm only human.

another ring I think is beautiful

As I scrolled through the pages I saw some and though "that's cute," "I would have like that one too, " "that would have made a nice engagement ring," then suddenly I was my ring. As soon as I saw it all others faded from my mind, they are all very nice but this one is perfect for me.  It's everything I have ever fantasied about in a piece of cold overpriced metal and rock. Every detail screams that it was made for me and when I saw it I had no doubt that it was the perfect choice.

MY RING!!!!!!!!!!

The experience gave me butterflies and wedding jitters all over again. The symbolism was not lost on my highly literary mind. It was a perfect analogy for J. There are more stylish men, men who could enjoy Shakespeare with me, even men who share my desire to never ever leave Boston with me, but when I see J they fade out of view. Everything about him screams that he is perfect for me and I have no doubt in my mind that no one could even tolerate me at my worst, and he loves me on those days. I have spent the entire weekend in newly wed bliss. Every time I look at him I get butterflies. This re-falling in love with the same person thing is pretty crazy when you think about it, I guess I must really love him. 

notes: the website is www.antiquejewelrymall.com and I really had my heart set on an aquamarine engagement ring which is why all the pictures are of aquamarines. All the ring pictures are from the site.

Be Careful Who You Tell Things To...

Today I am thankful that my husband is very loving and has a great sense of humor when it comes to my mischief.

When we first met we worked together and were friends who bonded over each-others' "impishness." We both consider ourselves very clever and enjoyed trying to outsmart each-other. We worked at a grocery store together as cashiers. The bane of every cashiers existence is being in the express lane and J discovered a way around it. We had a rule that said if a cashier had over $600.00 in his or her drawer they had to get someone to come take the money away. This was to keep the money safe. Well J let his drawer get over $2,000.00 in it when he was on the express lane. When he was yelled at it he said "I didn't have time to have someone pick up the money I was too busy with all the customers." When I asked him about this he told me with a smirk, "If you do something wrong once, you'll never be asked to do it again."

Oh J, if only you'd known then that I was the woman you;d marry. Then maybe you would have thought twice about letting me in on your big secret. Flash forward to yesterday.

I was backing my car up. I was aware that my side view mirror was hitting a bush, but I wasn't concerned. Then suddenly.. CRASH!! It turns out that bush was hiding a big metal pole, and that pole took my mirror to the ground. J told me "You broke it your in charge of fixing it." So I did for $3.00.

I would like to thank the inventory of purple duct tape, and my husbands' patients for this moment of incredible awesomeness. I am still debating buying some leopard print duct tape and making a pretty design. I have a feeling I won't be in charge of fixing the car again anytime soon. Mission Accomplished,

Marrying Too Young

J and I got married when he was 22 and I was 21. Within a month we became prime examples of why 21 and 22 are too early to get married. Even with all the planning ahead we did ahead of time we were able to find our selves in shockingly unexpected circumstances and struggling to figure out how to manage our own personal problems while learning how to be married at the same time.

J and I spent the summer apart. His experiences that summer showed him that he would never be able to be part of the army and have a clean contentious at the same time. My summer showed me that my college major was not my passion. These lessons would have been hard enough to deal with in their own right but we were dealing with them and trying to figure out what they meant for our marriage. Both of us spent far too much time trying to "suck it up" because we knew the other was depending on us. It made us both miserable. We were each at points in our lives in which we really needed to be selfish, but we had also essentially given up that right. We made it work because we truly do love each other, but it was far from easy and, to be honest, it was probably not healthy for us either.

I am thinking about this now because I am finding my emotional self at odds with my married self. I have a broken collar bone and I have been pushing my body to do things it's not ready to do because WE need the money. I'm angry because I wonder if I would have been better off graduating on time and utilizing the resources the college had available to help me find an internship. I'm frustrated because career wise an internship would be better than a job, by money wise a job would be better than an internship. Newly graduated me needs an internship and married me needs a job. I would love to find something that could work as both but that's not an easy thing to find.

I want to be clear, I do not blame J, to be honest I do not blame myself either. Neither of us could have known better. I don't regret marrying J, although I wish I had waited longer and taken some time to worry about myself and no one else. I have made a promise to myself to allow myself to make decisions based on my best interest. J does that anyway.

 He always talks to me about decisions but I think we default to what is best for him. Again, I'm not assigning blame. I think he has been conditioned to look out for his own needs and I have been conditioned to look out for the needs of the people I love so we both tend to choose what's best for J. This is an example of how a few years of singlehood (completely made up word) would have done me a lot of good. Learning how to decide what is in my own best interest is going to be hard skill to hone within a marriage.

 I am thankful because I know J loves me and I know that he will support decisions that are in my best interest even when they are not ideal for him. However, it is not good for him to be chasing my dreams instead of his. My point in this is that I am not "suffering" alone. We both are going to struggle to grow individually within our marriage. the good news is we made it through a ridiculous struggle during the first two years, and if that's any indicator we will continue to grow together.

Pre Wedding Myspace

OK. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but lately it has just been making me feel so much better about my "issues" that I can't seem to stop for the life of me. I am very overwhelmed about what I am in for in the next 14 months. My fault I know, and I am looking forward to most of this but I am also…. Well overwhelmed is the only way to phrase it.

First of all I have this semester to tackle (a breeze compared to the bear of a semester I had this fall!) And I am finishing up wedding plans (and realizing how short a five month engagement truly is. I only have 101 days left as a single woman.) After my last final I will have five days before my wedding so I will be working and finalizing wedding stuff, having the rehearsal dinner ( bachelorette party? Hint hint) and making cupcakes in a variety of flavors. After that comes a great week in Italy which I am so stoked about. I don't think I will see even close to everything that I want to see.



I will come home from the honeymoon and have about a week until J leaves. I've decided to drive out with him so I'll be gone for like 3 or 4 day just driving to Washington state and taking a plane back just to steal to few more days with my then hubby. (That will take getting used to.) After that I will have a weekend which invariably means I will be working the kind of overnight shifts that prompt these rants.

Then I will hopefully be teaching summer school. This will be a full time job which I will have to pay UNH for in order to receive credit, but it will also be awesome. (I hope.) I will of course be working weekends trying to earn my keep but work will be basically impossible. That ends about the same day James comes home. Then I would really like to take a vacation but I want to see James too so that will really depend on when school starts and other variables. I hope for at least a few days camping in Acadia again because it is beautiful up their.

Then my last semester. I originally had hoped that I would be able to take three classes and get a full time job doing something in a school but that is looking less and less likely at the moment. Oh well. Then J leaves again in October so I guess I will just go to school, work, and visit people when I can because my apartment will be so empty. (HA! My apartment is tiny it will still be quite full with me and Shuppi!) Of course everything I just listed is what I do anyway, but usually I have J to commiserate to every night and I will have to learn how to deal that that. Anyways I will graduate in December and then J will be home shortly after that.

After Christmas I will chilling in Oklahoma for a little (4 months to be exact) where I will at least get a mild second fall of the winter. It does get cold there but nothing like this winter we are experiencing. It stays above freezing. This mild winter will be very important to me since after that I will be moving to ALASKA! Thankfully I will be moving in April when the weather is decent, but no worries the snow starts flying in September and today in Fairbanks (where I will be) it is a pleasant -21 before the wind chill. I will be the most pleasant New Englander ever when I return. (Actually after Alaska we will be spending time in Arizona so maybe not.)

What overwhelms me is that this is all happening in about 14 months. It sounds like enough stuff to be a couple of years worth of changes but no it is all happening quickly. It looks so much more manageable written down than in my head.

old post

6 months

We're broken people, and too stubborn to admit it. So we are left instead with our mistakes and how to explain them. It's rough and confusing, aggrevating and trying. We are too young and naive to take this on.

But we couldn't stop this. Trust me I know, we spent years trying. This was not a choice, neither of us wanted to choose this. But we had no say. No matter what we tried we were pulled together. We ignored it for so much longer than I can imagine. When I look back on it, I don't know how we let it go on so long.

So this is where life put us. Confused and scared and angry, because we are not used to being bad at things. But we aren't supposed to be good at this yet. No one can be perfect at something without practice. And that's why I feel safe. Because we are stubborn people, we won't lose because we don't know how to. So we will struggle and we will learn as we go and we'll appreciate the process.

More Myspace

So without going into any detail J has been making decisions lately that he knew would get mixed reactions. Many people including some close family are not happy with the decisions he is making. The other night in order to comfort him I reminded him that X number of immediate family members support him, including myself in that number.

Later I started thinking about how cool that really was. There is obviously a lot that goes into marriage but one really neat part is how you get to take the person who thinks the most like you and understands you better than anyone and make that person your immediate, in fact your most immediate of family. It like making an ally for family feuds that you know will be there and back you up (even if they disagree with you, when around other people who disagree with you they’ll have your back.) I’ve had a few close friendships that played this role for me, but now were really able to interact with my family, where the real battles go down.


Now I by no means expect J and I to be bitching at each others families when something goes wrong, but knowing that I have one family member who will always take my side is just cool to me. I wouldn’t call it the best thing about marriage and this all sounded better in my head but oh well. I thought it was pretty damn cool that my best friend is now officially family and I guess it just hit me for real when I said that.

More Old Myspace stuff

We, you and I,

have made a commitment to tough out life together;

based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.

I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;

a need I am not immune to.

So here we are,

grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.

Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,

creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.

And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.

The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,

the closer we get.

More and more I learn everyday that marriage

is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.

And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.

And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.

Who’s life was equally affected,

and who choose to work through it.

Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone

Starting to Write Again

Friday January 15, 2010
In an attempt to start writing every day I am going to start with a dream dictionary, at least for today because last night’s dream was haunting to me. Meme and Grampa had a friend over who was some life time army guy. He was a super nice guy, but when he started discussing the army with me I couldn’t hold back how I felt and it made me so angry that a nice person could have such opposite views from me about the whole thing. Eventually my inability to deal with the frustration of the encounter lead to me punching a wall and taking a lot of Clonapin to try to basically put me out of my mind. So yeah, there is some obvious reasons for why I had this dream. On a more positive note I have found that taking Clonapin to help me sleep (by avoiding my nightly anxiety attack) doesn’t have the “never-wake-up” affect on me that it used to have, and that my sex life is coming back despite being on Celexa. I guess that means that deep depression was the cause for those things which is good to learn. Plus J coming out of his own depression is endlessly helpful for our marriage. What a crazy first 18 months we’ve had and it looks like it will be another 6 before we are out of the dark. If we can survive our first two years of marriage we can survive anything.