Falling in Love Again

A cheesy post just in time for Valentines Day

I have a new co-worker who I think is really great. One thing about her that cracks me up though is that she is obsessed with the idea of getting married. I personally can completely understand because I have been there. She's a helpless romantic as I am, plus I think on a sub conscience level I think being married represents stability and certainty in life. She is older than me by a mere 10 days so that fact that I am creeping toward my 3rd anniversary is a topic of interest for her.

I spent Friday fielding questions about how J and I met, how I could have possibly known he was that one, and what my wedding was like. To be honest I haven't thought about my wedding in much detail at all since my wedding so reminiscing on Friday was an enlightening experience.

There is a lot I would change about my wedding day if I could, specifically I got talked into a much bigger affair than I would have chosen. That sounds insane because there were maybe 35 people there, but it's true. In my fantasy I would have liked about 10, but the cuts get too deep at that point and it's just not realistic. I was getting married on a deadline, 5 months from proposal to wedding day. When I look back on it I realize that I was just making decisions quickly to get them out of the way. I didn't get to spend a lot of time on them because I had much more important things to do like get good grades in the 3 most important classes for my major.

 Of course this is a little different than what co-worker would like for her big day and she asked lots of questions about it. As I answered them I realized that I did one thing right about my wedding day. During the planning I had one mantra, I wanted to make official to God and our families what James and I had known almost immediately, that we were committed for life. (And I figured why not make it official to the State of New Hampshire as well, for the tax break? lol) When I answer her questions I realize that I really kept my priorities in sight. I went there that day to make a commitment to J and that's what I did and I was too in love to let any details (like the fact that a lighting bolt killed the CD player so we had no music) phase me.

One of the rings I really like

I was unable to answer any questions about my ring however, as far as how many carats it is or things of that nature. (In fact, I thought only diamonds were measured in carats, turns out my aquamarine ring is too! I so fail at being girly.) When I got home I headed to the website where I my engagement ring to get some estimated answers. it is  I talked myself down before I even entered the web address. "Don't get your heart set on anything you already have your ring..." ect ect. I thought for sure looking at all those rings would leave me lusting after something, after all I'm only human.

another ring I think is beautiful

As I scrolled through the pages I saw some and though "that's cute," "I would have like that one too, " "that would have made a nice engagement ring," then suddenly I was my ring. As soon as I saw it all others faded from my mind, they are all very nice but this one is perfect for me.  It's everything I have ever fantasied about in a piece of cold overpriced metal and rock. Every detail screams that it was made for me and when I saw it I had no doubt that it was the perfect choice.

MY RING!!!!!!!!!!

The experience gave me butterflies and wedding jitters all over again. The symbolism was not lost on my highly literary mind. It was a perfect analogy for J. There are more stylish men, men who could enjoy Shakespeare with me, even men who share my desire to never ever leave Boston with me, but when I see J they fade out of view. Everything about him screams that he is perfect for me and I have no doubt in my mind that no one could even tolerate me at my worst, and he loves me on those days. I have spent the entire weekend in newly wed bliss. Every time I look at him I get butterflies. This re-falling in love with the same person thing is pretty crazy when you think about it, I guess I must really love him. 

notes: the website is www.antiquejewelrymall.com and I really had my heart set on an aquamarine engagement ring which is why all the pictures are of aquamarines. All the ring pictures are from the site.

Like Mirrors

My parents had all their children very close in age. I am the oldest, 22 months later they had my sister and 26 months after that they had my brother. There is a lot to be said about having siblings so close in age. Now that we are in our 20's (or very close to it) the gap is starting to close and we are beginning to realize how close in age we really are. An odd added benefit of this is it keeps me in touch with where I was two and four years ago. This serves a double purpose of keeping me humble and reminding myself that I wasn't always the mature responsible individual I am now, and it helps me see how far I've come in two short years.

This is really affecting me right now. I live with my sister so the comparisons happen in my mind constantly. She will say something that I think to myself sounds a little immature and I immediately think about whether I would have said the same thing two years ago; the answer is almost always yes. The more this happens the more I think "have I really grown up so much in two years?" I  have but  my next question is "should have I grown up so much in two years?" That is a question I will continue to puzzle over.

Marrying Too Young

J and I got married when he was 22 and I was 21. Within a month we became prime examples of why 21 and 22 are too early to get married. Even with all the planning ahead we did ahead of time we were able to find our selves in shockingly unexpected circumstances and struggling to figure out how to manage our own personal problems while learning how to be married at the same time.

J and I spent the summer apart. His experiences that summer showed him that he would never be able to be part of the army and have a clean contentious at the same time. My summer showed me that my college major was not my passion. These lessons would have been hard enough to deal with in their own right but we were dealing with them and trying to figure out what they meant for our marriage. Both of us spent far too much time trying to "suck it up" because we knew the other was depending on us. It made us both miserable. We were each at points in our lives in which we really needed to be selfish, but we had also essentially given up that right. We made it work because we truly do love each other, but it was far from easy and, to be honest, it was probably not healthy for us either.

I am thinking about this now because I am finding my emotional self at odds with my married self. I have a broken collar bone and I have been pushing my body to do things it's not ready to do because WE need the money. I'm angry because I wonder if I would have been better off graduating on time and utilizing the resources the college had available to help me find an internship. I'm frustrated because career wise an internship would be better than a job, by money wise a job would be better than an internship. Newly graduated me needs an internship and married me needs a job. I would love to find something that could work as both but that's not an easy thing to find.

I want to be clear, I do not blame J, to be honest I do not blame myself either. Neither of us could have known better. I don't regret marrying J, although I wish I had waited longer and taken some time to worry about myself and no one else. I have made a promise to myself to allow myself to make decisions based on my best interest. J does that anyway.

 He always talks to me about decisions but I think we default to what is best for him. Again, I'm not assigning blame. I think he has been conditioned to look out for his own needs and I have been conditioned to look out for the needs of the people I love so we both tend to choose what's best for J. This is an example of how a few years of singlehood (completely made up word) would have done me a lot of good. Learning how to decide what is in my own best interest is going to be hard skill to hone within a marriage.

 I am thankful because I know J loves me and I know that he will support decisions that are in my best interest even when they are not ideal for him. However, it is not good for him to be chasing my dreams instead of his. My point in this is that I am not "suffering" alone. We both are going to struggle to grow individually within our marriage. the good news is we made it through a ridiculous struggle during the first two years, and if that's any indicator we will continue to grow together.