J and I got married when he was 22 and I was 21. Within a month we became prime examples of why 21 and 22 are too early to get married. Even with all the planning ahead we did ahead of time we were able to find our selves in shockingly unexpected circumstances and struggling to figure out how to manage our own personal problems while learning how to be married at the same time.
J and I spent the summer apart. His experiences that summer showed him that he would never be able to be part of the army and have a clean contentious at the same time. My summer showed me that my college major was not my passion. These lessons would have been hard enough to deal with in their own right but we were dealing with them and trying to figure out what they meant for our marriage. Both of us spent far too much time trying to "suck it up" because we knew the other was depending on us. It made us both miserable. We were each at points in our lives in which we really needed to be selfish, but we had also essentially given up that right. We made it work because we truly do love each other, but it was far from easy and, to be honest, it was probably not healthy for us either.
I am thinking about this now because I am finding my emotional self at odds with my married self. I have a broken collar bone and I have been pushing my body to do things it's not ready to do because WE need the money. I'm angry because I wonder if I would have been better off graduating on time and utilizing the resources the college had available to help me find an internship. I'm frustrated because career wise an internship would be better than a job, by money wise a job would be better than an internship. Newly graduated me needs an internship and married me needs a job. I would love to find something that could work as both but that's not an easy thing to find.
I want to be clear, I do not blame J, to be honest I do not blame myself either. Neither of us could have known better. I don't regret marrying J, although I wish I had waited longer and taken some time to worry about myself and no one else. I have made a promise to myself to allow myself to make decisions based on my best interest. J does that anyway.
He always talks to me about decisions but I think we default to what is best for him. Again, I'm not assigning blame. I think he has been conditioned to look out for his own needs and I have been conditioned to look out for the needs of the people I love so we both tend to choose what's best for J. This is an example of how a few years of singlehood (completely made up word) would have done me a lot of good. Learning how to decide what is in my own best interest is going to be hard skill to hone within a marriage.
I am thankful because I know J loves me and I know that he will support decisions that are in my best interest even when they are not ideal for him. However, it is not good for him to be chasing my dreams instead of his. My point in this is that I am not "suffering" alone. We both are going to struggle to grow individually within our marriage. the good news is we made it through a ridiculous struggle during the first two years, and if that's any indicator we will continue to grow together.
My dad used to tell me "If money can fix it, it's not a PROBLEM". I always thought it was a bit strange coming from him, because we had no money. You would think that statement would be coming from the mouth of a person who had money and didn't worry about finances. After having cancer and my life practicly passing before my eyes, I understand what he meant. You have your health, good friends and family that care about you both very much. Don't sweat the small stuff and keep your faith. God will provide, you just have to try your hardest and it will, in HIS time, come to pass.
ReplyDeleteI really like that saying. Thanks for dropping by and thanks for the kind words!
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