Feeling Safe

"I never realize how much I like home until I've been somewhere really different for a while." ~ Juno

Yesterday I went to the Deerfield Fair for the first time in 7 years. I am very surprised at how fun it was considering that I couldn't go on any rides. (stupid collar bone :- / ) All I did was watch the herding dog demonstration, which I of course found fascinating, and a little bit of the horse pull which I love, looked at the animals, and eat some fried dough.

I really don't think it would have mattered what I did as long as I was there. It was the most at home and relaxed I've felt in years. The weather was crisp and autumnal and it felt amazing. Fall has always been my least favorite season, I still really loved it but it was no where near as for me as the three that I missed. Suddenly I was experiencing fall like I never had. It's picturesque and perfect I'm still amazed at how being away for a while can change my views.

What was the most striking for me was how incredible comfortable James and I were in public. I never felt comfortable in public in Oklahoma because of our circumstances. Anywhere we went in OK most the people around us was part of the culture we were rebelling against. The represented constant reminders of the impossible fight that we were fighting. Even though we were the only ones who knew, it still made our environment seem hostile.

Now we are back in the environment that helped shaped our beliefs and the relief is huge. I even occasionally tell people the truth, the whole truth and they are not phased by it. It makes changes how I view everything. There was a big army recruiting station (not sure was it was supposed to be, but that's what it actually was) right next to the dog demonstration we watched. I can't explain how, but knowing that we were probably not alone in thinking it was obnoxious changed it in my mind from a "threat" (I hate using that word but ultimately that's what it was in my brain) to a trivial nuisance. I especially loved listening to James mock it without anger, fear, or hatred in his voice. At some point our ridiculously high stress levels became normal to us and I truly believed we'd live like that forever. I can't believe what a relief it is to let it all go.