I've spent most the day with my head in the clouds because I had a Dr appointment this afternoon. Anyone who knows me knows that this means I spent the day niiiiice and drugged to ease the anxiety of doctors appointments. I cleaned out the office a bit, to get prepared for the movers. I really really hate the idea of strangers moving our stuff. Especially ones that are contracted out by the army. The whole thing makes me feel spied on.
For what it's worth I am aware that that is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's still how I feel. I have been attempting to clean a lot and hide anything incriminating in cardboard boxes and stack them in a closet to make it look like that's just how we store stuff. (Which is partially true.)I'm pretty grumpy at the moment because I had the inkling of a poem in my head earlier today but the phone rang and ruined it. Fortunately I had the for thought to write down the name of the song that gave me the thought, so maybe I'll be able to retrieve it later.
Well Couscous Shebang!!! is ready so I have to go.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Count Down to Move--- 24 days
I hate transitions. What I hate more is the time between when you know one is happening and when it happens. I always feel awkward and unsettled until it's over. Like with this move, I feel detached from everything here but not yet attached to anything at home. I am floating in between. I tear up when I'm with Z all the time knowing that soon I am leaving. He has grown up so much since I started watching him.
Ever since J started got out of the army things have been worse. Suddenly he has a job he likes and it feel like we have a family, a really close family. Now that we are finally feeling settled here it's time to go home. I'm ready, I just acknowledge the emotions, I don't try to fight them. I cannot change them. They are healthy things for me to feel right now. When Z talks about it I try to tell him that too. When he says he is said I tell him it's ok to be said because I'm said too, but that's normal, and in life sometime people have to move but you will always be close.
Thankfully the replacement sitter seems to be working out well. That takes a lot of my burden away from me. Only 24 more days. I hope to post every night between now and them.
Ever since J started got out of the army things have been worse. Suddenly he has a job he likes and it feel like we have a family, a really close family. Now that we are finally feeling settled here it's time to go home. I'm ready, I just acknowledge the emotions, I don't try to fight them. I cannot change them. They are healthy things for me to feel right now. When Z talks about it I try to tell him that too. When he says he is said I tell him it's ok to be said because I'm said too, but that's normal, and in life sometime people have to move but you will always be close.
Thankfully the replacement sitter seems to be working out well. That takes a lot of my burden away from me. Only 24 more days. I hope to post every night between now and them.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Pre Wedding Myspace
OK. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but lately it has just been making me feel so much better about my "issues" that I can't seem to stop for the life of me. I am very overwhelmed about what I am in for in the next 14 months. My fault I know, and I am looking forward to most of this but I am also…. Well overwhelmed is the only way to phrase it.
First of all I have this semester to tackle (a breeze compared to the bear of a semester I had this fall!) And I am finishing up wedding plans (and realizing how short a five month engagement truly is. I only have 101 days left as a single woman.) After my last final I will have five days before my wedding so I will be working and finalizing wedding stuff, having the rehearsal dinner ( bachelorette party? Hint hint) and making cupcakes in a variety of flavors. After that comes a great week in Italy which I am so stoked about. I don't think I will see even close to everything that I want to see.
I will come home from the honeymoon and have about a week until J leaves. I've decided to drive out with him so I'll be gone for like 3 or 4 day just driving to Washington state and taking a plane back just to steal to few more days with my then hubby. (That will take getting used to.) After that I will have a weekend which invariably means I will be working the kind of overnight shifts that prompt these rants.
Then I will hopefully be teaching summer school. This will be a full time job which I will have to pay UNH for in order to receive credit, but it will also be awesome. (I hope.) I will of course be working weekends trying to earn my keep but work will be basically impossible. That ends about the same day James comes home. Then I would really like to take a vacation but I want to see James too so that will really depend on when school starts and other variables. I hope for at least a few days camping in Acadia again because it is beautiful up their.
Then my last semester. I originally had hoped that I would be able to take three classes and get a full time job doing something in a school but that is looking less and less likely at the moment. Oh well. Then J leaves again in October so I guess I will just go to school, work, and visit people when I can because my apartment will be so empty. (HA! My apartment is tiny it will still be quite full with me and Shuppi!) Of course everything I just listed is what I do anyway, but usually I have J to commiserate to every night and I will have to learn how to deal that that. Anyways I will graduate in December and then J will be home shortly after that.
After Christmas I will chilling in Oklahoma for a little (4 months to be exact) where I will at least get a mild second fall of the winter. It does get cold there but nothing like this winter we are experiencing. It stays above freezing. This mild winter will be very important to me since after that I will be moving to ALASKA! Thankfully I will be moving in April when the weather is decent, but no worries the snow starts flying in September and today in Fairbanks (where I will be) it is a pleasant -21 before the wind chill. I will be the most pleasant New Englander ever when I return. (Actually after Alaska we will be spending time in Arizona so maybe not.)
What overwhelms me is that this is all happening in about 14 months. It sounds like enough stuff to be a couple of years worth of changes but no it is all happening quickly. It looks so much more manageable written down than in my head.
First of all I have this semester to tackle (a breeze compared to the bear of a semester I had this fall!) And I am finishing up wedding plans (and realizing how short a five month engagement truly is. I only have 101 days left as a single woman.) After my last final I will have five days before my wedding so I will be working and finalizing wedding stuff, having the rehearsal dinner ( bachelorette party? Hint hint) and making cupcakes in a variety of flavors. After that comes a great week in Italy which I am so stoked about. I don't think I will see even close to everything that I want to see.
I will come home from the honeymoon and have about a week until J leaves. I've decided to drive out with him so I'll be gone for like 3 or 4 day just driving to Washington state and taking a plane back just to steal to few more days with my then hubby. (That will take getting used to.) After that I will have a weekend which invariably means I will be working the kind of overnight shifts that prompt these rants.
Then I will hopefully be teaching summer school. This will be a full time job which I will have to pay UNH for in order to receive credit, but it will also be awesome. (I hope.) I will of course be working weekends trying to earn my keep but work will be basically impossible. That ends about the same day James comes home. Then I would really like to take a vacation but I want to see James too so that will really depend on when school starts and other variables. I hope for at least a few days camping in Acadia again because it is beautiful up their.
Then my last semester. I originally had hoped that I would be able to take three classes and get a full time job doing something in a school but that is looking less and less likely at the moment. Oh well. Then J leaves again in October so I guess I will just go to school, work, and visit people when I can because my apartment will be so empty. (HA! My apartment is tiny it will still be quite full with me and Shuppi!) Of course everything I just listed is what I do anyway, but usually I have J to commiserate to every night and I will have to learn how to deal that that. Anyways I will graduate in December and then J will be home shortly after that.
After Christmas I will chilling in Oklahoma for a little (4 months to be exact) where I will at least get a mild second fall of the winter. It does get cold there but nothing like this winter we are experiencing. It stays above freezing. This mild winter will be very important to me since after that I will be moving to ALASKA! Thankfully I will be moving in April when the weather is decent, but no worries the snow starts flying in September and today in Fairbanks (where I will be) it is a pleasant -21 before the wind chill. I will be the most pleasant New Englander ever when I return. (Actually after Alaska we will be spending time in Arizona so maybe not.)
What overwhelms me is that this is all happening in about 14 months. It sounds like enough stuff to be a couple of years worth of changes but no it is all happening quickly. It looks so much more manageable written down than in my head.
Untitled
Relived some angry points in my life today, but then realized how little it all matters. I'm trying to live in the moment and live day to day because I'd hate to be one of those people who spends there life waiting for it to begin. My biggest desire is to move past the anger.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Moving Anxiety
I feel sad. It's natural and inevitable, just like this move but it's sad. Being an adult and realizing that pain is simply a part of life hurts and is almost more annoying than being young and ignorant. At least I know I am approaching this with a healthy mature attitude.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
old post
6 months
We're broken people, and too stubborn to admit it. So we are left instead with our mistakes and how to explain them. It's rough and confusing, aggrevating and trying. We are too young and naive to take this on.
But we couldn't stop this. Trust me I know, we spent years trying. This was not a choice, neither of us wanted to choose this. But we had no say. No matter what we tried we were pulled together. We ignored it for so much longer than I can imagine. When I look back on it, I don't know how we let it go on so long.
So this is where life put us. Confused and scared and angry, because we are not used to being bad at things. But we aren't supposed to be good at this yet. No one can be perfect at something without practice. And that's why I feel safe. Because we are stubborn people, we won't lose because we don't know how to. So we will struggle and we will learn as we go and we'll appreciate the process.
We're broken people, and too stubborn to admit it. So we are left instead with our mistakes and how to explain them. It's rough and confusing, aggrevating and trying. We are too young and naive to take this on.
But we couldn't stop this. Trust me I know, we spent years trying. This was not a choice, neither of us wanted to choose this. But we had no say. No matter what we tried we were pulled together. We ignored it for so much longer than I can imagine. When I look back on it, I don't know how we let it go on so long.
So this is where life put us. Confused and scared and angry, because we are not used to being bad at things. But we aren't supposed to be good at this yet. No one can be perfect at something without practice. And that's why I feel safe. Because we are stubborn people, we won't lose because we don't know how to. So we will struggle and we will learn as we go and we'll appreciate the process.
Awww Oldie but goodie
The 4 year old I babysit was giving me directions about how to make an Icee (slushy) yesterday and I found it hiliraious so here are the directions he gave me.
1) get that one deal out of there (he did not point at any thing so I was already lost.)
2) put ice and pink stuff in the deal
3) make the deal go vrrrrrrrrrrroooooooovvvvvvvrrrrrrrooooooooo
4) put it in a cup with more pink stuff.
Yup that's how you make an Icee.
1) get that one deal out of there (he did not point at any thing so I was already lost.)
2) put ice and pink stuff in the deal
3) make the deal go vrrrrrrrrrrroooooooovvvvvvvrrrrrrrooooooooo
4) put it in a cup with more pink stuff.
Yup that's how you make an Icee.
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