Thankfulness

So lots of people do thankful fb statuses during November. I prefer to do it this way.


1-I'm thankful for my understanding husband who is incredible patient with me.

2-I'm thankful for my health.

3- I'm thankful for my new job!

4- I'm super thankful that I live in New England again!

5- I'm thankful to hear good news from a friend.

6- I'm thankful for my new apartment.

7-I'm thankful for my pups and how happy they make me.

8- I'm thankful for my family.

9- I'm thankful for chai tea.

10- I'm thankful to live in a city that allows me so many opportunities.

11-I'm thankful for friends to go out with!

12- I am thankful for a well stocked freezer and a 2011 that has been SO MUCH better than 2010. I'm so happy to finally be able to ring IN a new year instead of tell the old one not to let the door hit it on the way out.

Being Mature (well, trying to be...)

I can't sleep because I am frustrated with myself. I know my work performance has not been exactly what it should be and that frustrates me because really there is no reason for that. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in any work related "drama." Admittedly at a job with 100% female employees that is super difficult to do. I have a tough skin which is to my advantage, but I also have a quick wit and tend to lack a filter, especially when I think what I have to say is undeniably clever, which is to my disadvantage. So basically find myself in a perfect position to be a complete bitch. I am pretty un-phased by what others about me and not unrelenting in what I think about them. This is not who I want to be at all. I know better.

I keep promising that  I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.

I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.

A Reminder to Myself

Breath, keep the big picture in mind. This is a stepping stone and a way to explore options easily. It is a way to make some money and to keep myself alive. J has been where I am now and I need to keep that in mind. This is not a popularity contest, the aggravations are not meant as personal attacks. No one is mad at me. I'm not here to make people like me I just need to make sure my job is done well. This too shall pass.

Clearing My Mind

I can't sleep and I need to clear my mind. I know that for far too long I have had no form of stress relief and that because of that I now have no outlet. I know what I want to do to relieve stress but I have no money to do that with. I'm in such a tricky place because of that. If I pay money to allow me to do a hobby that will cause me stress but if I continue to allow myself to have no hobby that will cause my stress. I do not know what I should do.

I am trying to not let the stress of my life get to me too badly. I try so hard to leave the negativity behind so it doesn't suck the life out of me but it is absolutely failing. It's failing because I have no outlet. Where will I ever find this money to relieve the stress that having no money causes? I have lots of things I can do in my home to relieve stress but that will not provide me with fellowship of people my age so it will only get me so far. Until I have friends I'm fairly certain this stress will be unending. I think I'm going to go play with budgets to find the money for me time before I die.

Falling in Love Again

A cheesy post just in time for Valentines Day

I have a new co-worker who I think is really great. One thing about her that cracks me up though is that she is obsessed with the idea of getting married. I personally can completely understand because I have been there. She's a helpless romantic as I am, plus I think on a sub conscience level I think being married represents stability and certainty in life. She is older than me by a mere 10 days so that fact that I am creeping toward my 3rd anniversary is a topic of interest for her.

I spent Friday fielding questions about how J and I met, how I could have possibly known he was that one, and what my wedding was like. To be honest I haven't thought about my wedding in much detail at all since my wedding so reminiscing on Friday was an enlightening experience.

There is a lot I would change about my wedding day if I could, specifically I got talked into a much bigger affair than I would have chosen. That sounds insane because there were maybe 35 people there, but it's true. In my fantasy I would have liked about 10, but the cuts get too deep at that point and it's just not realistic. I was getting married on a deadline, 5 months from proposal to wedding day. When I look back on it I realize that I was just making decisions quickly to get them out of the way. I didn't get to spend a lot of time on them because I had much more important things to do like get good grades in the 3 most important classes for my major.

 Of course this is a little different than what co-worker would like for her big day and she asked lots of questions about it. As I answered them I realized that I did one thing right about my wedding day. During the planning I had one mantra, I wanted to make official to God and our families what James and I had known almost immediately, that we were committed for life. (And I figured why not make it official to the State of New Hampshire as well, for the tax break? lol) When I answer her questions I realize that I really kept my priorities in sight. I went there that day to make a commitment to J and that's what I did and I was too in love to let any details (like the fact that a lighting bolt killed the CD player so we had no music) phase me.

One of the rings I really like

I was unable to answer any questions about my ring however, as far as how many carats it is or things of that nature. (In fact, I thought only diamonds were measured in carats, turns out my aquamarine ring is too! I so fail at being girly.) When I got home I headed to the website where I my engagement ring to get some estimated answers. it is  I talked myself down before I even entered the web address. "Don't get your heart set on anything you already have your ring..." ect ect. I thought for sure looking at all those rings would leave me lusting after something, after all I'm only human.

another ring I think is beautiful

As I scrolled through the pages I saw some and though "that's cute," "I would have like that one too, " "that would have made a nice engagement ring," then suddenly I was my ring. As soon as I saw it all others faded from my mind, they are all very nice but this one is perfect for me.  It's everything I have ever fantasied about in a piece of cold overpriced metal and rock. Every detail screams that it was made for me and when I saw it I had no doubt that it was the perfect choice.

MY RING!!!!!!!!!!

The experience gave me butterflies and wedding jitters all over again. The symbolism was not lost on my highly literary mind. It was a perfect analogy for J. There are more stylish men, men who could enjoy Shakespeare with me, even men who share my desire to never ever leave Boston with me, but when I see J they fade out of view. Everything about him screams that he is perfect for me and I have no doubt in my mind that no one could even tolerate me at my worst, and he loves me on those days. I have spent the entire weekend in newly wed bliss. Every time I look at him I get butterflies. This re-falling in love with the same person thing is pretty crazy when you think about it, I guess I must really love him. 

notes: the website is www.antiquejewelrymall.com and I really had my heart set on an aquamarine engagement ring which is why all the pictures are of aquamarines. All the ring pictures are from the site.

Why I'm Addicted to TV

I wrote this a while ago but just now got around to posting it.

My sister laughs at me for being a TV junky. She finds it funny because she says I was never very interested in TV growing up. I've only given it a little bit of thought until this week. Wednesday when I got home from work I looked up a particular episode of a guilty pleasure show and on Netflix and watched it. The feeling was so cathartic that as soon as the credits started to roll I dragged the cursor (or whatever that button on the bottom is called) back to the beginning and watched it again. After that I dragged it to one particular scene and watched it again. I was in the middle of watching it a fourth time when people came home. I suddenly felt silly and shut my computer down to visit with them, all the while feeling very agitated.

This sounds ridiculous and I feel even more ridiculous now that I've written it down. The whole incident has bugged me and made me really think about why I do this. I think I've found a some what suitable answer.

I love TV shows with an element of fantasy ( or better yet  anything unrealistic) to them. This doesn't have to be anything huge, it can be realitively subtle. For the purpose of this post I will say that three of my all time favorite TV show are Glee, The Gilmore Girls, and Dexter. (Dexter does not seem to fit, but it does for reasons I will explain.) All shows are in many ways based in reality but all of them have things about them that the make the audience suspend their disbelief for example many of the musical numbers in Glee, the crazy idallic town in Gilmore Girls, or the fact Dexter works in a police department and no one suspects he's a serial killer.

All of these shows have something other than unbelievable elements to them. The emotions portrayed in the shows are realistic, close to home, and portrayed very well by cast, writers, and directors. This is why I think I've become addicted to TV shows. They allow me to experience emotions with a realitive amount of detachment. Four years ago I was in other my head and I could not deal with the intense emotions I was feeling. That's about the same time my fasination with TV and movies started. I think it is also why I like movies and shows with a very present element of insanity. It gives me enough detachment to allow me to feel really safe in vicariously experiencing emotions that I don't want to actually feel.

I came to this realization while watching the same handful of scenes on repeat. I had decided to watch them based on a converstaion I had with J the night before. I was trying to explain to him how frustrating it was to deal with emotions that I had no right to feel anyway. Spefically feeling protective and responsible for a person who I am not actually responsible for. J could not understand the idea of feelin emotions that I know I shouldn't feel.

It reminded me of an episode we watched once that bought up this exact conversation. In the epsiode a character breaks down about her jealousy of a relationship when she is also in a relationship. J felt she was being a big jerk because she clearly wanted to have things both ways. I found it tragic because clearly she knew she had no rigt to be jealous which only makes the jealousy more difficult to deal with.

Obviously watching this episode over and over was helping me deal with an extremely emotional issue that I couldn't deal with on my own. Or rather, it wasn't helping me deal with it, it was helping me experience it with a nice safe level of detachment. It sounds so unhealthy the way I wrote it, but it's more of an intial coming to terms than anything. I just wrote this to help me think about why it is I've become so obsessed with TV.

Boring Little Update

I can't sleep so I thought I might come here and try to c;ear my mind. I don't really have anything to write so I thought I'd check in with my new years Resolutions. I haven't had a bad first week.


Lose 1o lbs, At the beginning of the week I was off to an OK start, but I was sabotaged w/ a company dinner, a lack of low fat foods half way through the week and getting out of a movie too late to make dinner, I plan to create this weeks menu ahead of time to avoid a repeat of that.


Read 10 books- To be honest a younger version of myself would be horrified that 10 books is my goal. i used to read that in a month, but life has been crazy and I'm a huge believer in setting only realistic expectations for myself. I finished one this week and started another. I really want to get a library card, maybe today I will. If I do not though, I have a lot of reading material here. J has books I'd like to read and I have a ton of anthologies with good stories in them I've never read I feel like I should read them first but I would also like to read something other than a classic now and then.


Go back to church- I tried on last week. Everyone was nice but I am looking for a younger environment. This week I am going to try one in Boston because I really think that's where I will find a younger crowd. 


Get the dogs out for longer walks- I accomplished this almost everyday this week, I'm so proud of me and J . It requires getting up super early on days that we are tired but I feel we owe it to them. 


Practice piano- I didn't do this at all this at all last week. I will do it today though. I feel like checking in weekly may be very helpful to my long term success. 


Be more organized. It was my first 40 hour week in 3 months so this wasn'y a huge priority of mine, But I feel I did all right.