Time

Tonight I'm not using specifics and I am operating on a worse case scenario basis. I am rolling with my thoughts. I have trouble praying because I almost feel like it's telling God I don't trust him. I have been praying for him but I also believe God has a plan for everything. I am sad but I am peaceful. He has had a good life and a a full one. I am grateful for the relationship we have. Grateful that he saw me get married, grateful that he got to "know" about my graduation. I am sad that that didn't happen for other people, but I can't worry about that. I just believe that life just happens and I have to make the best of it that I can. And that's what I am doing. He has taught me so much and he is the person who brought me to church. My life is a good one. I am sad that my moves are always so emotional but that is life. I am at peace. Sadness is natural, death is part of life.

11 Days

The days are just flying by at this point. I feel like I am running a marathon. I'm constantly exhausted but there is so much more to go so I just keep moving. I'm very proud of what I accomplished today though. I ended services at our current place and got them set up at the new place. I found out that I will indeed graduate in September (FINALLY!!!) I cleaned the kitchen, made pizza from scratch, talked to S and landed at least some temporary employment at in the city.

This job is temporary at the moment because I am going to be babysitting and the mom wants to make sure we mesh, but if we do I believe this will be a very good thing. She has tons of information about the field I want to go into and I think she can help me open the right doors. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be, and if it is then it will all work out.

And of course talking to S was wonderful. She understands everything about this awkward transitional moment we are stuck in, and the frustration that even though we did everything right, circumstances beyond us landed us in a horrible position to get jobs. I am so happy to have her to talk about these things to, and I cannot wait to be close again.

Thoughts, 21 days

Ugh, I'm sleepy, but now that I've started this habit it's impossible to sleep without it. (Which is both good and bad.)I'm going to try to get this out quick and I'll deal with punctuation later.

First of all I love that I am getting over the misplacement of my anger issues with the army. I still have a long way to go and will still avoid the shortest line in Wal-Mart if it means I would have to stand next to someone in uniform, but it's not affecting how I get to know people. Essentially it is still affecting my view of passing strangers, but not affecting my ability to get to know somebody. I have met a few people recently who I genuinely like to have military careers that leave them fulfilled and I am able to see them as decent human begins even good, albeit flawed, people. (But who among us is not flawed?) I have found more peace than I have ever expected to gain and I am so grateful for that lifted burden.

Secondly I have been making peace with a lot of past frustration. This peace stems from an incident, but it's not important to name that incident. Basically I have been realizing that I expect everyone to approach problems with a similiar mind set and skill set as my own. Obviously that's not going to happen. What's more is I've been engaging in the useless practice of giving people advice that I had to learn the hard way. It is the most pointless venture I can imagine. It's like giving a 13 year old a high school diploma and expecting to be able to survive in college. The paper is meaningless without the work it took to earn it.

I'm not saying that people never listen, but a lot of the time I feel like I am giving them extremely valuable information, that they are not mentally ready to use yet because they haven't had the experience to prepare themselves mentally. I am so totally rambling.

Lastly, I'm over my self righteousness about what I did for myself and what I went without. I have realized that everyone is a victim of their circumstance and I shouldn't judge people based on theirs anymore than I would want to be judged based on mine. Actually the one thing I am going to mis about the culture out here is the socioeconomic culture. I feel much more at comfortable and middle class than I ever did or probably will at home. My mind is still going 90 miles an hour but I'm done typing now. Goodnight.

Day 22

Tired, not too much to write, but I really want to get something written down from now until Boston. I cannot believe it is already Thursday this week flew and the next few will too, and then I will be gone. I am excited though because I have had it up to my eyeballs with stories about domestic abuse in this state. I'm starting to feel like there is something wrong with the water that's making people think this is normal.

23 More Days

I've spent most the day with my head in the clouds because I had a Dr appointment this afternoon. Anyone who knows me knows that this means I spent the day niiiiice and drugged to ease the anxiety of doctors appointments. I cleaned out the office a bit, to get prepared for the movers. I really really hate the idea of strangers moving our stuff. Especially ones that are contracted out by the army. The whole thing makes me feel spied on.

For what it's worth I am aware that that is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's still how I feel. I have been attempting to clean a lot and hide anything incriminating in cardboard boxes and stack them in a closet to make it look like that's just how we store stuff. (Which is partially true.)I'm pretty grumpy at the moment because I had the inkling of a poem in my head earlier today but the phone rang and ruined it. Fortunately I had the for thought to write down the name of the song that gave me the thought, so maybe I'll be able to retrieve it later.

Well Couscous Shebang!!! is ready so I have to go.

Count Down to Move--- 24 days

I hate transitions. What I hate more is the time between when you know one is happening and when it happens. I always feel awkward and unsettled until it's over. Like with this move, I feel detached from everything here but not yet attached to anything at home. I am floating in between. I tear up when I'm with Z all the time knowing that soon I am leaving. He has grown up so much since I started watching him.

Ever since J started got out of the army things have been worse. Suddenly he has a job he likes and it feel like we have a family, a really close family. Now that we are finally feeling settled here it's time to go home. I'm ready, I just acknowledge the emotions, I don't try to fight them. I cannot change them. They are healthy things for me to feel right now. When Z talks about it I try to tell him that too. When he says he is said I tell him it's ok to be said because I'm said too, but that's normal, and in life sometime people have to move but you will always be close.

Thankfully the replacement sitter seems to be working out well. That takes a lot of my burden away from me. Only 24 more days. I hope to post every night between now and them.