NY Times Article is Bugging me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general

I am not sure if I love or hate this ^ article. It's all about how everyone is "taking the scenic route" through life and how people in their 20's are all adult-children. I like the article for because it makes me feel like I am living life right on schedule, for the first time ever. I hate it because I like feeling like I'm an original. I am also generally annoyed with the writers tone. Does he assume no one in their 20's will be reading his article?

The part of the article that I related to most was the part in which he talks about people in this age group acting like adults in some ways but not in others. I feel this way all the time. Babysitting is not an "adult" job, but it is real adult responsibility. I also hate being insured through James because it makes me feel like he's my dad and grosses me out. I realize that's silly and even if my job had benefits I could still be insured through him. But regardless it makes me feel like a child.

I realized recently how much more of an adult I felt like in OK. Part of the reason for this is the low, low cost of living in OK. In general though, I feel like I was treated like an adult more there, probably because people take on adult roles like marriage and full time jobs there. As I am writing this I am noticing that the "emerging adulthood" he talks about in the article is non-existent in Lawton. And once again this is a post to nowhere, but I feel less confused now. It's so interesting to me how overwhelming anxiety can seem until I write my anxious feelings down. Once they are written somewhere I think "wait THAT's what I was worried about." OMG I am rambling.

Grampa

Blah, the whole purpose of this post is to make it feel real to me. I really stink at dealing with death. I tend to just not think about it because thinking doesn't accomplish anything in my mind. But of course, it is part of the grieving process and I know that I need to grieve, so here I am.

So Grampa died last night, it seems so incredibly unbelievable. I can't get over how quickly this all happened. I am so glad that I came home early. In a way I felt like he was already gone he has been slipping away slowly for about a month.

I find it easier to know that he's gone than to know that he will be soon. The hardest part of death for me is wanting someone to hold on when you know that's not even fair to them. I was having trouble dealing with my emotions while he was still alive. Trying to deal with the fact that he was dying while appreciating the time we had left was a difficult balance. This is easier.

Overall I am really happy. He lived a good life, in-spite of his childhood. He was there for his family and friends when we needed him. I'm glad we were close. The thing I am having trouble coming to terms with is that this is no ones fault and nothing important was left unsaid or undone. That being said time just ran out. Stories I didn't tell remain untold, he never saw my apartment, really stupid things like that are what get me. I can barely remember life before we lived with Meme and Grampa and he was always there to share our accomplishments. The idea that he won't be there to share in them anymore is just strange. Well now I'm crying at least this post served it's purpose.

Settling in and Making Plans

So things are beginning to come together in my little world. As it turns out, my apartment has a floor and not just and endless array of boxes! We still have a long ways too go before it really feel like a home, but it's getting there. I hung up most of our pictures today which always brings the place together and makes it feel more inviting.





I have two jobs now, and I am seriously hoping that coordinating between the two will not be a nightmare. As long as the coordination works out alright then this is good. When we were planning the move James and I sat down and decided that we each needed to make '$X' per week for this to work, and I will be in that number range. Yeah go me! Things are looking good for James too so life is pretty peachy.

I began the process of looking at grad schools last week. The idea of applying to grad school is scaring the crud out of me. I think because there are only two schools in the area that offer a Masters degree in what I want to take. BLAH! That makes me really nervous, I think I might apply to other schools with slightly different programs as well I am still at least a little bit torn on what I want to do with my life. By the time I figure it out I will be old and gray. Oh life why are you so complicated?

Taking the Scenic Route

Yesterday I wrote (very wittily if I do say so myself) that this blog is about taking the scenic route through life. Since writing it I've been thinking about what it means and why I do it. This post is going to be my ramblings on that topic.

When I wrote that I take the scenic route I meant that I deviate from the prescribed path for success that we get fed so much in middle and high school. I have no problem with that path, except that it is delivered as one- size- fits- all recipe for success. It does not take the individual into account at all, or even describe what it considers to be success. The one thing I am immensely proud of is that I was able to see that the “do well in school, get good grades, do lots of extracurricular activities, go to college, come out four years later super awesome” method was not going to work for me.

I am proud of this because it took self awareness and bravery to be able to understand why this wouldn’t work for me. I was able to understand that I had been going through school on auto-pilot and needed a break to actually experience my life, and I was brave enough to actually do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it was really scary. I could hear all the voices of guidance counselors and principals saying that people who take a break never go back (which is a pet peeve of mine for another day.) I knew I’d go back, I knew I’d finish, but what good would a degree be for me if I still had no idea who I was?

Of course I am giving myself way too much credit here. It’s not like I took a break and sailed around the world. I was married (waaaaay too young I might add,) and I went to live on the other side of the country. If I had it to do again I wouldn’t have been married and I would have taken a solo adventure of some kind. Still, as it was it was a very good decision. I left loose, I learned about myself and I learned what I could and couldn’t control. I took the best job ever, and that I can’t take credit for. That was all God, or luck or fate if you are so inclined. I got to learn how to kick back and have fun. I got to relive a small part of my life that I’d felt I’d missed all while getting paid.

Now I am home, married, and living the college life. I am working and going to school, but for the first time with enough money to take an occasional night or weekend to have fun. I love my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I was rambling through this, but it felt good.

Nightmares/ Adjustments and Who Knows

I know that MA is a much better place for me to be living but I really hate adjustments. Right now I feel guilty and stupid about every decision I make. I have nightmares EVERY SINGLE night and I just can't shake them. It makes waking up stressful and I've waken up with a killer headache every single morning since I moved. I am depressed over Grampa, scared and depressed about where I am with my life and I am intimidated about what the heck my next moves will be. Ugh I hate this.

Moved in

I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but at least James and I can see the apartment floor. I think he's liking the city as much as I am. I enjoy walking to the store while we talk about what's fir dinner. I love the simplicity of having everything I need within walking distance. I have no idea how I will feel once the honeymoon phase is over, but right now I love my new home.