A Pretty Revealing Post

I hate that I am doing this right now. What I want more than anything is plop myself down in a therapist's chair and have them tell me how to make it all better. To be honest that's what I know I need to do, but that involves insurance and that's still processing so this will have to do for now.

I had a ridiculous week last. I quit, well really I "stepped down" from a job for the first time ever. The circumstance was unusual and no ones fault but it made me feel like a failure. I was supposed to be babysitting for a family. The mom works at home, but needs and extra set of hands in order to actually get work done. The problem was that my personality did not fit in with the household at all. It was awkward and horribly strained. I could tell they were unsure of me and that made it even harder for me to relax resulting in more awkwardness. The thing that actually made me leave was the fact that the son simply could not adjust to me. I was so drastically different from anyone he knew (or at least that was the impression that I was getting) that he simply could not get comfortable around me.

I always tell parents when I meet them that it is important for me to be a pillar of constituency in their house hold that keeps the house running as close to how they would as possible. I also claim to understand the importance of finding the "right fit for your family." In keeping with all those things I called and said that I realized the personality differences were just too much for us to overcome and that it was creating an unpleasant household environment and felt they should find someone else. I should probably mention that they had 2 sitters so I wasn't leaving them empty handed.

It's been a very strange experience for me. I have never left a job like that before. I feel like it's my fault because I generally assign blame to myself, but really there is no way that "blame" can be assigned to either party. I have been babysitting almost constantly since I moved and this is the first family that I have completely not meshed with. I feel like the chances that the two of us found each other are slim. It's also a good experience to know when to call it quits. Generally I would not advocate quiting a job without having another lined up, especially considering my finances, but I could just tell that it wasn't working.

So today I woke up in a fury to get myself a job. I applied to temp agencies, I applied to jobs online, and I walked up and down a two mile strip near my house applying to every store that displayed a "Help Wanted" sign. I was feeling pretty darn good about my productivity when I noticed I had missed a call, actually several calls, from the parents of the girl I was supposed to pick up at school 2 hours prior. I feel completely stupid. I do not even understand how I could have been so incredibly focused on getting a job that I forgot to go to work. The worst part is the very personal job, the parents are annoyed and the girl is disappointed and I feel generally stupid.

I have 2 interviews tomorrow. Depending on how things go there I should be fine. Unfortunately it will be a few weeks until everything settles down to a reasonable pace and I feel comfortable. Since I moved her in July I have been waiting to get into a routine and I never do. It makes my schedule hard to keep track of because it's never the same two weeks in a row. The constant change is frustrating and confusing. My brain can't settle down. It gets so busy thinking about things that it forgets the things it's not thinking about. Like today. I wasn't putting much effort into the "normal" part of my day so much so that I forgot about it.

I want and need to believe that the worst is over. I want and need to believe that this was one mistake. My past tells me that this is the beginning of an ugly spiral, but I have taken charge since then and learned how to take care of myself. The trouble is that until I get through this unscathed I won't believe that I can. There is so much more to write about but I really need to go to bed. I'm just hoping that all the work I've done to learn how to control my anxiety will pay off. This is the test.