We, you and I,
have made a commitment to tough out life together;
based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.
I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;
a need I am not immune to.
So here we are,
grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.
Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,
creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.
And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.
The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,
the closer we get.
More and more I learn everyday that marriage
is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.
And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.
And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.
Who’s life was equally affected,
and who choose to work through it.
Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Unstoppable: from my Myspace
..............
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
The Big Move
So James and I are moving to Boston at the end of the July. The paper work is all in order and everything. I've packed away seasonal items and we are making sure our meal plans include anything that's left in the freezer.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I hate May
As the title implies, I hate May. It's the season of graduations and weddings and both are just knives in a nerve. I will graduate, I am done all my classwork and simply waiting on paperwork, but I will never walk. I missed my opportunity for that because I'm awesome. Not that it's a big deal, but that for me is the point. I don't allow anything in my life to be important, or a big deal or even about me for that matter.
That is also the reason I hate wedding season. I wanted like 10 people in my front yard, that was it. Instead I ended up with a ridiculous budget wedding that i'm not really sure how it happened. It's not what J wanted and it's not what I wanted, but life was moving so quickly it was over a year before I realized I didn't even like my wedding. I was just making decisions rapid fire because decisions needed to be made. Again, all that really matters is that we are married in teh eyes of God, our family, and the state of NH, but I didn't allow that to be a celebration either. I was moving through life so fast for a while. My 21st was a complete non event as well.
I'm not really upset with how things turned out but that really only makes it worse. So basically I had to live cloistered in order to get to this place in my life. I find that irritating and horribly unfair.
That is also the reason I hate wedding season. I wanted like 10 people in my front yard, that was it. Instead I ended up with a ridiculous budget wedding that i'm not really sure how it happened. It's not what J wanted and it's not what I wanted, but life was moving so quickly it was over a year before I realized I didn't even like my wedding. I was just making decisions rapid fire because decisions needed to be made. Again, all that really matters is that we are married in teh eyes of God, our family, and the state of NH, but I didn't allow that to be a celebration either. I was moving through life so fast for a while. My 21st was a complete non event as well.
I'm not really upset with how things turned out but that really only makes it worse. So basically I had to live cloistered in order to get to this place in my life. I find that irritating and horribly unfair.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Whole Story
And finally I can tell my whole story, or more of it anyway. It’s been a long frustrating battle but it’s over now and I am soooooo happy .
So my hubby joined the Army Reserves when he was 18. He concurrently was in ROTC at college and planned to be a career military officer. After 2 years in ROTC he decided he would do his 4 years and get out. At the time we were friends, nothing more but I already could feel the tension growing. He got more and more frustrated as the years went on, but he was still convinced that his cause was a normal one. We got married right after he graduated from college, and I was trying to graduate early.
That’s when it all went to shit. A few weeks after graduating he got “volunteered” to run ROTC’s version of Basic Training. There he found that it was a regular occurrence for officers who had screwed up to blame someone of a lower rank. That he could have dealt with, but eventually he was being COMMANDED to lie to corroborate their stories. He got some cadets in serious trouble doing this, for things they didn’t even do. He was sick about it and hated himself.
After 6 months of soul searching he decided to write a letter of resignation and see what happened. What happened is they said “no” to his resignation. So he decided getting out was the only option he could live with and that he would do it by any means necessary, and most importantly he would not participate in anything he felt was illegal or immoral along the way. Doing it this was took just under two years.
So my hubby joined the Army Reserves when he was 18. He concurrently was in ROTC at college and planned to be a career military officer. After 2 years in ROTC he decided he would do his 4 years and get out. At the time we were friends, nothing more but I already could feel the tension growing. He got more and more frustrated as the years went on, but he was still convinced that his cause was a normal one. We got married right after he graduated from college, and I was trying to graduate early.
That’s when it all went to shit. A few weeks after graduating he got “volunteered” to run ROTC’s version of Basic Training. There he found that it was a regular occurrence for officers who had screwed up to blame someone of a lower rank. That he could have dealt with, but eventually he was being COMMANDED to lie to corroborate their stories. He got some cadets in serious trouble doing this, for things they didn’t even do. He was sick about it and hated himself.
After 6 months of soul searching he decided to write a letter of resignation and see what happened. What happened is they said “no” to his resignation. So he decided getting out was the only option he could live with and that he would do it by any means necessary, and most importantly he would not participate in anything he felt was illegal or immoral along the way. Doing it this was took just under two years.
That time was stressful and heart wrenching. We went through the whole thing 2000 miles away from family, the whole time never knowing when we’d make it back. We lived a lie to pretty much everyone we met, we couldn’t just share this story in a military town. But it’s over now, he’s out, and he never has to go back. This is the short version
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I feel light
I feel a sense of peace that I have never before felt in my life. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I know I am headed in the right direction and I know that I don't need all the answers right now. I am in love with some one who makes my life better, I have my priorities where they should be and I am ready for this step.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Relieved
After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.
J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.
I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.
I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.
This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.
I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.
J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.
I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.
I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.
This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.
I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.
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