OK. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but lately it has just been making me feel so much better about my "issues" that I can't seem to stop for the life of me. I am very overwhelmed about what I am in for in the next 14 months. My fault I know, and I am looking forward to most of this but I am also…. Well overwhelmed is the only way to phrase it.
First of all I have this semester to tackle (a breeze compared to the bear of a semester I had this fall!) And I am finishing up wedding plans (and realizing how short a five month engagement truly is. I only have 101 days left as a single woman.) After my last final I will have five days before my wedding so I will be working and finalizing wedding stuff, having the rehearsal dinner ( bachelorette party? Hint hint) and making cupcakes in a variety of flavors. After that comes a great week in Italy which I am so stoked about. I don't think I will see even close to everything that I want to see.
I will come home from the honeymoon and have about a week until J leaves. I've decided to drive out with him so I'll be gone for like 3 or 4 day just driving to Washington state and taking a plane back just to steal to few more days with my then hubby. (That will take getting used to.) After that I will have a weekend which invariably means I will be working the kind of overnight shifts that prompt these rants.
Then I will hopefully be teaching summer school. This will be a full time job which I will have to pay UNH for in order to receive credit, but it will also be awesome. (I hope.) I will of course be working weekends trying to earn my keep but work will be basically impossible. That ends about the same day James comes home. Then I would really like to take a vacation but I want to see James too so that will really depend on when school starts and other variables. I hope for at least a few days camping in Acadia again because it is beautiful up their.
Then my last semester. I originally had hoped that I would be able to take three classes and get a full time job doing something in a school but that is looking less and less likely at the moment. Oh well. Then J leaves again in October so I guess I will just go to school, work, and visit people when I can because my apartment will be so empty. (HA! My apartment is tiny it will still be quite full with me and Shuppi!) Of course everything I just listed is what I do anyway, but usually I have J to commiserate to every night and I will have to learn how to deal that that. Anyways I will graduate in December and then J will be home shortly after that.
After Christmas I will chilling in Oklahoma for a little (4 months to be exact) where I will at least get a mild second fall of the winter. It does get cold there but nothing like this winter we are experiencing. It stays above freezing. This mild winter will be very important to me since after that I will be moving to ALASKA! Thankfully I will be moving in April when the weather is decent, but no worries the snow starts flying in September and today in Fairbanks (where I will be) it is a pleasant -21 before the wind chill. I will be the most pleasant New Englander ever when I return. (Actually after Alaska we will be spending time in Arizona so maybe not.)
What overwhelms me is that this is all happening in about 14 months. It sounds like enough stuff to be a couple of years worth of changes but no it is all happening quickly. It looks so much more manageable written down than in my head.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Untitled
Relived some angry points in my life today, but then realized how little it all matters. I'm trying to live in the moment and live day to day because I'd hate to be one of those people who spends there life waiting for it to begin. My biggest desire is to move past the anger.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Moving Anxiety
I feel sad. It's natural and inevitable, just like this move but it's sad. Being an adult and realizing that pain is simply a part of life hurts and is almost more annoying than being young and ignorant. At least I know I am approaching this with a healthy mature attitude.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
old post
6 months
We're broken people, and too stubborn to admit it. So we are left instead with our mistakes and how to explain them. It's rough and confusing, aggrevating and trying. We are too young and naive to take this on.
But we couldn't stop this. Trust me I know, we spent years trying. This was not a choice, neither of us wanted to choose this. But we had no say. No matter what we tried we were pulled together. We ignored it for so much longer than I can imagine. When I look back on it, I don't know how we let it go on so long.
So this is where life put us. Confused and scared and angry, because we are not used to being bad at things. But we aren't supposed to be good at this yet. No one can be perfect at something without practice. And that's why I feel safe. Because we are stubborn people, we won't lose because we don't know how to. So we will struggle and we will learn as we go and we'll appreciate the process.
We're broken people, and too stubborn to admit it. So we are left instead with our mistakes and how to explain them. It's rough and confusing, aggrevating and trying. We are too young and naive to take this on.
But we couldn't stop this. Trust me I know, we spent years trying. This was not a choice, neither of us wanted to choose this. But we had no say. No matter what we tried we were pulled together. We ignored it for so much longer than I can imagine. When I look back on it, I don't know how we let it go on so long.
So this is where life put us. Confused and scared and angry, because we are not used to being bad at things. But we aren't supposed to be good at this yet. No one can be perfect at something without practice. And that's why I feel safe. Because we are stubborn people, we won't lose because we don't know how to. So we will struggle and we will learn as we go and we'll appreciate the process.
Awww Oldie but goodie
The 4 year old I babysit was giving me directions about how to make an Icee (slushy) yesterday and I found it hiliraious so here are the directions he gave me.
1) get that one deal out of there (he did not point at any thing so I was already lost.)
2) put ice and pink stuff in the deal
3) make the deal go vrrrrrrrrrrroooooooovvvvvvvrrrrrrrooooooooo
4) put it in a cup with more pink stuff.
Yup that's how you make an Icee.
1) get that one deal out of there (he did not point at any thing so I was already lost.)
2) put ice and pink stuff in the deal
3) make the deal go vrrrrrrrrrrroooooooovvvvvvvrrrrrrrooooooooo
4) put it in a cup with more pink stuff.
Yup that's how you make an Icee.
Dear United States Military
Oh my god do I ever hate you. Do you know that? It's like the most severe hate ever, and you guys know a thing or two about hate. I mean, you just cannot manage to function can you? I swear, the simplest, most mindless task and you treat it like you are building the pyramids. Your logic, or lack there of is mind numbingly ridiculous, seriously, my mind is actually numb from being confused by you for so long. I swear you’d look at the math problem 2+2 and your answer would be rhinoceros with a fever. If you are reading this right now you don’t even know why I’d be confused by that answer. The confusion portion of my brain is exhausted from trying to deal with you. I would have been better off beating my head with a bowling ball while doing opiates before I even try to understand anything you are doing. Maybe by that point I would have dumbed myself down enough to understand. Have you ever seen a three year old with their favorite toy? They just hit the same button over and over until it no longer makes cool noises, only unintelligible gibberish. Well you are the three year old and the confusion mechanism in my brain is that favorite button. Seriously, I hear that sound in my head sometimes. I was sane eight months ago, but no more. I can’t even make this rant coherent because my brain is certain that there is something wrong with me. It thinks I must be delusional because the facts I’m asking it to process couldn’t possible be correct, but alas they are, and my brain has abandoned me for no reason. Even my seven year old brother hates it and is always blocking your chair HAHA. See you’ve completely killed my last brain cell. That is all.
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C ---The one you don’t acknowledge is married to J
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C ---The one you don’t acknowledge is married to J
More Myspace
So without going into any detail J has been making decisions lately that he knew would get mixed reactions. Many people including some close family are not happy with the decisions he is making. The other night in order to comfort him I reminded him that X number of immediate family members support him, including myself in that number.
Later I started thinking about how cool that really was. There is obviously a lot that goes into marriage but one really neat part is how you get to take the person who thinks the most like you and understands you better than anyone and make that person your immediate, in fact your most immediate of family. It like making an ally for family feuds that you know will be there and back you up (even if they disagree with you, when around other people who disagree with you they’ll have your back.) I’ve had a few close friendships that played this role for me, but now were really able to interact with my family, where the real battles go down.
Now I by no means expect J and I to be bitching at each others families when something goes wrong, but knowing that I have one family member who will always take my side is just cool to me. I wouldn’t call it the best thing about marriage and this all sounded better in my head but oh well. I thought it was pretty damn cool that my best friend is now officially family and I guess it just hit me for real when I said that.
Later I started thinking about how cool that really was. There is obviously a lot that goes into marriage but one really neat part is how you get to take the person who thinks the most like you and understands you better than anyone and make that person your immediate, in fact your most immediate of family. It like making an ally for family feuds that you know will be there and back you up (even if they disagree with you, when around other people who disagree with you they’ll have your back.) I’ve had a few close friendships that played this role for me, but now were really able to interact with my family, where the real battles go down.
Now I by no means expect J and I to be bitching at each others families when something goes wrong, but knowing that I have one family member who will always take my side is just cool to me. I wouldn’t call it the best thing about marriage and this all sounded better in my head but oh well. I thought it was pretty damn cool that my best friend is now officially family and I guess it just hit me for real when I said that.
Myspace March 11, 2009
I can't remember where I heard this originally, I have a feeling it was a crappy movie or TV show, but a character in it is talking about how if a younger version of himself could see him now he'd be so disappointed. Well I am happy to say it was come to my attention that if a younger version of me could see me now, right now at this very chaotic moment in my life, she would be damn proud.
I spend a lot of time wishing that my life were stable and that I had the answers. I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the awesomeness that is New England that I never even knew was awesome about it before I left (which is saying something because I pretty much always new I lived in the coolest part of the country!!) But then I realize that I would be so disappointed if I was still there. I always wanted to grow up to be the girl who saw the world, and who made decisions on a moments notice. I never once wanted to pass up an opportunity. I wanted to marry too young and pick up and leave at a whim. I wanted to be tied to nothing but my own fancies and desires.
Well as I think back on my childhood fantasies I realize that I am living them. They seemed a lot more romantic from a distance and a lot less scary, but they are mine and I am who I always dreamed I would be. Lately whenever I feel overwhelmed I think about how cool that is and I feel empowered. My future is a giant looming question mark and I'm going to fill it will surprising decisions and amazing adventures!
I spend a lot of time wishing that my life were stable and that I had the answers. I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the awesomeness that is New England that I never even knew was awesome about it before I left (which is saying something because I pretty much always new I lived in the coolest part of the country!!) But then I realize that I would be so disappointed if I was still there. I always wanted to grow up to be the girl who saw the world, and who made decisions on a moments notice. I never once wanted to pass up an opportunity. I wanted to marry too young and pick up and leave at a whim. I wanted to be tied to nothing but my own fancies and desires.
Well as I think back on my childhood fantasies I realize that I am living them. They seemed a lot more romantic from a distance and a lot less scary, but they are mine and I am who I always dreamed I would be. Lately whenever I feel overwhelmed I think about how cool that is and I feel empowered. My future is a giant looming question mark and I'm going to fill it will surprising decisions and amazing adventures!
June 11, 2009 myspace
Today in about 30 minutes I begin my babysitting marathon. 4 days 4 nights. Any text of encouragement/ ideas about activites that can be enjoyed by people between the ages of 4-18 (or at least 4-12) would be apprecaited. I've spent the last week stessing over everything and overwhelmed by how constant my job will be and how much freedom I will be giving up over the next few days. I just want to say this any parents out there : Your job is crazy and you must be super human. Well I am off.
More Old Myspace stuff
We, you and I,
have made a commitment to tough out life together;
based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.
I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;
a need I am not immune to.
So here we are,
grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.
Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,
creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.
And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.
The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,
the closer we get.
More and more I learn everyday that marriage
is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.
And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.
And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.
Who’s life was equally affected,
and who choose to work through it.
Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone
have made a commitment to tough out life together;
based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.
I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;
a need I am not immune to.
So here we are,
grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.
Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,
creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.
And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.
The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,
the closer we get.
More and more I learn everyday that marriage
is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.
And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.
And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.
Who’s life was equally affected,
and who choose to work through it.
Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone
Unstoppable: from my Myspace
..............
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
The Big Move
So James and I are moving to Boston at the end of the July. The paper work is all in order and everything. I've packed away seasonal items and we are making sure our meal plans include anything that's left in the freezer.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
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