So without going into any detail J has been making decisions lately that he knew would get mixed reactions. Many people including some close family are not happy with the decisions he is making. The other night in order to comfort him I reminded him that X number of immediate family members support him, including myself in that number.
Later I started thinking about how cool that really was. There is obviously a lot that goes into marriage but one really neat part is how you get to take the person who thinks the most like you and understands you better than anyone and make that person your immediate, in fact your most immediate of family. It like making an ally for family feuds that you know will be there and back you up (even if they disagree with you, when around other people who disagree with you they’ll have your back.) I’ve had a few close friendships that played this role for me, but now were really able to interact with my family, where the real battles go down.
Now I by no means expect J and I to be bitching at each others families when something goes wrong, but knowing that I have one family member who will always take my side is just cool to me. I wouldn’t call it the best thing about marriage and this all sounded better in my head but oh well. I thought it was pretty damn cool that my best friend is now officially family and I guess it just hit me for real when I said that.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Myspace March 11, 2009
I can't remember where I heard this originally, I have a feeling it was a crappy movie or TV show, but a character in it is talking about how if a younger version of himself could see him now he'd be so disappointed. Well I am happy to say it was come to my attention that if a younger version of me could see me now, right now at this very chaotic moment in my life, she would be damn proud.
I spend a lot of time wishing that my life were stable and that I had the answers. I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the awesomeness that is New England that I never even knew was awesome about it before I left (which is saying something because I pretty much always new I lived in the coolest part of the country!!) But then I realize that I would be so disappointed if I was still there. I always wanted to grow up to be the girl who saw the world, and who made decisions on a moments notice. I never once wanted to pass up an opportunity. I wanted to marry too young and pick up and leave at a whim. I wanted to be tied to nothing but my own fancies and desires.
Well as I think back on my childhood fantasies I realize that I am living them. They seemed a lot more romantic from a distance and a lot less scary, but they are mine and I am who I always dreamed I would be. Lately whenever I feel overwhelmed I think about how cool that is and I feel empowered. My future is a giant looming question mark and I'm going to fill it will surprising decisions and amazing adventures!
I spend a lot of time wishing that my life were stable and that I had the answers. I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the awesomeness that is New England that I never even knew was awesome about it before I left (which is saying something because I pretty much always new I lived in the coolest part of the country!!) But then I realize that I would be so disappointed if I was still there. I always wanted to grow up to be the girl who saw the world, and who made decisions on a moments notice. I never once wanted to pass up an opportunity. I wanted to marry too young and pick up and leave at a whim. I wanted to be tied to nothing but my own fancies and desires.
Well as I think back on my childhood fantasies I realize that I am living them. They seemed a lot more romantic from a distance and a lot less scary, but they are mine and I am who I always dreamed I would be. Lately whenever I feel overwhelmed I think about how cool that is and I feel empowered. My future is a giant looming question mark and I'm going to fill it will surprising decisions and amazing adventures!
June 11, 2009 myspace
Today in about 30 minutes I begin my babysitting marathon. 4 days 4 nights. Any text of encouragement/ ideas about activites that can be enjoyed by people between the ages of 4-18 (or at least 4-12) would be apprecaited. I've spent the last week stessing over everything and overwhelmed by how constant my job will be and how much freedom I will be giving up over the next few days. I just want to say this any parents out there : Your job is crazy and you must be super human. Well I am off.
More Old Myspace stuff
We, you and I,
have made a commitment to tough out life together;
based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.
I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;
a need I am not immune to.
So here we are,
grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.
Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,
creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.
And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.
The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,
the closer we get.
More and more I learn everyday that marriage
is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.
And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.
And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.
Who’s life was equally affected,
and who choose to work through it.
Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone
have made a commitment to tough out life together;
based on whatever ridiculous human invention you choose to blame.
I think it’s based on our need for absolutes;
a need I am not immune to.
So here we are,
grappling with deeper issues than I could have imagined a year ago.
Choosing to turn our worlds upside down,
creating outward chaos in exchange for a peace that is deeper.
And the stability of this outdated custom is amazing.
The deeper we dig, the harder the decision,
the closer we get.
More and more I learn everyday that marriage
is bigger than love, it’s mostly just a commitment.
And the more two people commit to go through hell together the more they meld.
And ultimately the beauty of it, is having an equal, who went through the sane experience.
Who’s life was equally affected,
and who choose to work through it.
Until these experiences equal a life time
A lifetime neither of us had to go through alone
Unstoppable: from my Myspace
..............
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
I can’t sleep. I am so high on life right now my brain is simply wired. Numa hates me for turning on the light. She’s pouting like a spoiled teenager.
I feel so alive, so capable, so confident. I am in a place in my life that I was never sure was feasible. I know what I want from life and I know that I am capable of getting it. I am sure of it. In the past two years I have come to recognize more road blocks in my life than I even knew were there. I have learn how to overcome them all. I have coped with my depression, anxiety, self doubt and fear. I have taken my final classes to finish my degree. I have learned who I am and that I love myself. The final thing standing between me and everything I want was J's situation and that’s gone now.
I have fought down my demons head on and overcome the obstacles. More importantly I have learned that it is possible to do this. I feel unstoppable. I know what I want, I know I deserve it and I know I am qualified and passionate enough to have it. I feel in control. For the first time in my life I am not doing things to prove I am in control, I don’t have to. I have no one I need to prove it to because I know it to be true. I feel like I can accomplish anything right now, like whatever I set my sights on I can have. Because if I have overcome as much as I have in 2 years, I can do anything. The best part is I truly believe this is not a fleeting high. This is a new chapter; this is a kind of content I did not believe existed. This is peace of mind beyond anything I ever dreamed. I am looking ahead at the challenges and heartaches, the trials and the achievements and I am nervous, but not afraid. Bring it on.
The Big Move
So James and I are moving to Boston at the end of the July. The paper work is all in order and everything. I've packed away seasonal items and we are making sure our meal plans include anything that's left in the freezer.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
I can count the people I will miss here on my fingers, but they are people I will miss dearly. Still, I'm incredibly excited to move to a place where the general culture isn't enough to make me lose my mind. I hate the mindset here, I hate having to hide my story and feeling like I can't join in conversations lest the truth will start to come out. Just today I had an incident in which the woman at Fed-Ex made a comment about why I would be mailing something all the way to Boston. When I said I was moving there she of course asked what I was doing here. I said my new "I don't like to talk about it" response, she of course knew that the answer involved the army and started asking about it. I love how everything is everyone's business down here. It's the same back home, but different in a way that I like. (I will definitely have to elaborate on this when I have more brain cells working.)I am so excited to move to a place where there is safety in numbers. No one will ask what I am doing there, because know one will care. It's going to be awesome.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I hate May
As the title implies, I hate May. It's the season of graduations and weddings and both are just knives in a nerve. I will graduate, I am done all my classwork and simply waiting on paperwork, but I will never walk. I missed my opportunity for that because I'm awesome. Not that it's a big deal, but that for me is the point. I don't allow anything in my life to be important, or a big deal or even about me for that matter.
That is also the reason I hate wedding season. I wanted like 10 people in my front yard, that was it. Instead I ended up with a ridiculous budget wedding that i'm not really sure how it happened. It's not what J wanted and it's not what I wanted, but life was moving so quickly it was over a year before I realized I didn't even like my wedding. I was just making decisions rapid fire because decisions needed to be made. Again, all that really matters is that we are married in teh eyes of God, our family, and the state of NH, but I didn't allow that to be a celebration either. I was moving through life so fast for a while. My 21st was a complete non event as well.
I'm not really upset with how things turned out but that really only makes it worse. So basically I had to live cloistered in order to get to this place in my life. I find that irritating and horribly unfair.
That is also the reason I hate wedding season. I wanted like 10 people in my front yard, that was it. Instead I ended up with a ridiculous budget wedding that i'm not really sure how it happened. It's not what J wanted and it's not what I wanted, but life was moving so quickly it was over a year before I realized I didn't even like my wedding. I was just making decisions rapid fire because decisions needed to be made. Again, all that really matters is that we are married in teh eyes of God, our family, and the state of NH, but I didn't allow that to be a celebration either. I was moving through life so fast for a while. My 21st was a complete non event as well.
I'm not really upset with how things turned out but that really only makes it worse. So basically I had to live cloistered in order to get to this place in my life. I find that irritating and horribly unfair.
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