It's Not Fair

 I've been trying to find peace lately. I have been trying to let things go to and make way for a more calm, enjoyable me. Of course I have my eyes on a giant angry rage road block that I need to somehow get some peace about, so naturally my brain decides to start making peace with something much more insignificant, still it's something and it has had me thinking. I have been coming to peace with the fact that life is not even remotely fair and it's OK.

Growing up I was jealous, very jealous. I felt like every one  had it better than me and more importantly, I felt that I was missing out. Truly I still have a jealous streak, but these days it has more to do with the fact that I want to experience EVERYTHING. Really I want to squeeze every drop out of this life so when ever I hear about someone doing something I have even the slightest desire to do I get jealous. I don't think it's really jealousy anymore, I think it's interest that I as jealousy by default.

When I got to pre-teen and teenager years I thought a lot about everything as a scale. If person A has "this" that could be balanced out by me having "that." If that didn't work I switched to a kind of golf  handicap system for life. In this system I would think "Person B has X, Y, AND Z, but I have had to overcome U,V, and W and if I didn't have to do that I could probably be where that person is right now so it all evens out." (Clearly I needed a life, which I guess was one of the things I was trying to calculate for.)

I don't think I can fault myself too much for my logic. We spend so much time as children and teens focused on fairness. Our parents try to be fair to all their children our teachers (usually) attempt o be fair to all of their students and many youth sports leagues have rules to try to make sure all players and all teams are treated fairly. It makes sense that growing up in a place where there was so much emphasis on fairness that I would expect life to be fair as well. But, of course, life is not at all fair.

Now I am trying to make peace with the fact that life is all but fair. I am focused on making sure I do the best I can with what I have been given and that I feel happy for other people who do the same. When I feel a twinge of jealously I remember that the "what-if" game is utterly pointless and wanting what I don't have is wasted energy. I don't fault people who have it easier than I do and I try to remember that for all the times I've thought "she doesn't know how east she has it" someone has thought the same thing about me. Life is not a contest of who was dealt the worst hand. In the end struggles and triumphs are all relative.

Truly my life handicap system is fairly accurate. These days most of what I want are things that are or were within my reach but I made different choices. These days I try to remember that where I am RIGHT NOW is exactly where I've chosen to be and if I don't like that I have to take it up with me. I remind myself that I am capable of having almost everything that I get jealous of over people for having but I am making choices that involve not having those things and remember why I choice thing 1 over thing 2.

Likewise where I was as a child was largely a result of my parents choices and where other children were was largely a result of their parents choices and the fact that I ever let that reflect on the individual child (or teen) was just plain absurd. (But how was I to know at the time?) I have a feeling most of this is just me being an adult, but I find I am a lot less angry now that I do not expect things to be fair. I am finding much better things to do with all that energy that used to be spent on anger. 

Lucky

Turning 25 has been a very strange experience. Maybe I'm wrong but when we were kids I feel like 25 was always the age teachers told us to think ahead to when we thought about our future. Well here I am and this is not exactly what I expected, but then again I never knew what I expected so this is as good as anything else. I'm a first generation college graduate, I have a job I adore that pays me enough so I don't stress out. I have a husband who I love and who I am more and more proud of everyday.

And here is my big secret about how I was able to get all this: it was blind, dumb luck. It's true. I worked hard for sure, but lots of people work hard. I won't say that hard work didn't contribute because it prepared me to take chances when they are presented to me, but the big moments are nothing I can take credit for.

For starters I can look at my job. This is not what I went to school for. I only ever tried childcare because 100's of miscommunications landed me in a place I thought I'd only be a short time. Plus the amazing family I worked for just happened to need a new sitter, plus their first choice broke her leg. That family and I don't think that was luck but God moving all the pieces so people who really needed each other would find each other, but if you are not religious than it's pretty lucky. I found a job I truly loved and an amazing family far away from home. That experience largely contributed to how I got the job I have now. Another contributing factor was a parking ticket I couldn't afford to pay which made me look for extra babysitting work which is how I met this family to begin with.

Then there is J. How he and I have pulled off this feat of being married for what will very soon be four (what?!) years. I have been feeling so so blessed about this lately. I have been seeing relationships fall apart that I never imagined would. People who waited years to get married, until they were emotionally and financially ready. People who did everything right and for whatever reason didn't work out. Meanwhile J and I jumped in quickly, unprepared and it's worked out pretty well. Life isn't perfect and neither are we but most days I am incredibly happy.

I find myself trying to find a reason, something solid that sets us apart because I like answers, but I'm not sure their are any. I have seen people who I believe were very much in love and for some reason things ended. The only two things I come up with are that we are stubborn and we are realist who never expected things to be simple or remotely easy. So two complete bummers for personality traits are apparently our key to happiness?

So I'm up super late with some crazy anxiety tonight. But here's what is strange, I know what I need to do to make it stop, I'm even 100% sure it would work but I don't think I should. Too try to explain: I am still trying to organize our apartment, sort out what to get rid of, and designate shelf space to what I need to keep. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just give up and leave the room and hid in a room that's clean already. I think my normal techniques, in this instance, would be like walking away with the problem unsolved. The catalyst for this little change of heart came, ever so accidentally from J. When I was explaining everything to him he said (sarcastically because he knows the answer) "why are you so angry?" Good question.  I think a very clear picture of why would help me feel  more in control.

So I wrote a super angry list (which I never intended to post) got it narrowed down to an angry list, and narrowed that down to this. I am angry because for two years I was essentially helpless and I was being constantly devalued and the confines of the system kept me powerless. Also I am angry now because no matter what approach I take it still has a toxic power over me and because I don't want to fix it when I feel like a better person would want to fix a problem they saw.

I wasn't COMPLETELY powerless, but J kind of was and that was pretty similar. I could have left, I had to choose between my sanity and my husband and I choose him, mostly because he didn't have a choice and I felt awful leaving. If he had more options and didn't take them I would have left, sometimes it felt like he did but he didn't really and his patience did really pay off in the long run but oh did it ever suck.

But what do I do about this damn power over me? I've tried forgiveness but as far as I could get was pretending. I tried to fake it until I made it for about a year then gave up, or forgot I was trying. I've tried to forget but I suck at that. I've tried mediation to clear my mind, it didn't totally suck. I don't know how mediation is supposed to work but what I read said if an emotion is distracting acknowledge it for a minute and move on. That proved fairly effective at taking the power away from the thing (I'm not even in the mood for typing it tonight which I'm sure is super healthy.)

With that I feel my anger has been acknowledged enough for one night. Off to bed for me.

Shh!

I have a secret from the internet, and from almost everyone. Three people besides me know about it. I want to tell people, and I want them to know but the time is just not right yet, so why on earth would I be typing this? Because it has led me to thinking about what a secret means in our crazy little 21st century life.

I am not good at secrets, clearly. I just don't have much to hid from people. I'm proud of who I am. I believe mistakes make us and teach us lessons so I don't mind talking about them. I can keep other people's secrets, it is my own "secrets" that I struggle with. Strangely enough though the most important things in my life I like to keep private. They are mine. In this culture of social media and networking and all that stuff I feel like everything is public knowledge. Everything is for every one to comment on and have an opinion about, but as much as I am an open book there are things in this life that are mine and only mine and not for others to have thoughts about.

I'm not trying to sound like a crazy narrisitic that thinks that people are always thinking about me, but once I post it for the world to see someone is going to have a thought about it, that is just the way people work. Trust me I have thoughts about everything I read. It could be "me too!" Or "really?!?!" or "there are three g's in failinggg who knew?" The point is people will have some thought about what others choose to share.

I'm a nanny so I'm going to compare sharing life events to sharing toys. Sharing can make playing more fun, but sometimes violates a certain reverence for a toy, that special thing that was just yours. There is never any certainty that someone else will appreciate that toy the way you do. Now some toys never carry that specialness. Some it is OK to just share right away, (the "I love peppermint mocha coffee!!!" status of the world) It is the things you've been longing for, admiring from afar, once you have them you can't immediately go around sharing them. You need some time to just appreciate how special it is and you can't fully learn and explore a new toy when other people are looking and playing with it too.

Getting married was the first time I experienced this intentional, somewhat self indulgent secrecy. People have lots of ideas about weddings, they just do and that is fine. My idea is that it is about two people telling someone, whoever they deem it is necessary to tell in order to make it official, that they intend to live their life together and be a family and make choices like a family. This entity could be their god, their government, their family, all of those or what have you. To me it should be the most stress free thing in the world. It should be intimate as it is about intimate feelings and emotions. It belonged to me and I was not inviting the FB world in.

I also think it has something to do with validation. Not telling the world about something for me represents a feeling or rightness. I am so sure I do not need it validated by friends in internet land. This "validation" could refer to a person's comments or just the fact it exist out there. I feel like there is a sense that something is more real if you can lay claim to it in the "public space of the internet." I know the phrase "Facebook official" is a joke but I think it has a seed of truth to it.

I have been contemplating this world were nothing is really secret and people have a sense that they should be privy to everything. The sounds extreme, but admit it, we all get annoyed when someone has a private profile or does not publish her relationship status. Curious minds must know!!!!

I really want this to have some kind of thought provoking, insightful conclusion about secrecy and the internet and privacy and intimacy, but I don't have one. I guess I will end with this. I heard a commentary a while ago I wish I could remember where. The gist of it was that privacy was a 20th century invention and it was no longer relevant. Social networking was the new nosy family and busy body neighbor of the 21st century. I am beginning to think that is true.

New Years Resolutions: A very original blog topic for the first week of 2012

 I'm going to write something oh so original I'm going to write about new years resolutions. I'm awful at resolutions, I usually have a zillion but this year I swore to keep it simple so I can keep them. Good new I lost 15 pounds last year with effort and will power so that one is off my list which feels wonderful. (I guess that is only good news for me no one else would care. Then again I think I'm the only one who reads this darn thing.) I have made two seemingly contradictory resolutions.

1- Enjoy myself more/ be more social
2- Stick to my budget and seriously reduce my debt. I would like to eliminate a 4th of my debt this year and it is well within reach. (Note: MY debt never mind my law student husbands debt I purposely do not think about that.)

So there you have it have more fun and spend less money! Those too will definitely go hand in hand. Right?

They can complement each other more than it may seem. I am budgeting for fun so the money will be there, I will be more fun because I'll be less stressed. At least that is what I am telling myself. Sadly, the fun one will take more effort than the money one.

I had a crappy two years in OKville. It wasn't that I was far away from friends and family. It was my situation that isolated me. My hubby and I were fighting to break away from something that pretty much everyone else seemed to  adored (or worship, it felt a whole lot like worship.)  I was able to find an amazing couple who were wonderful in understanding our troubles but mostly we felt lost. Even the smallest criticism was judged beyond belief.

This is relevant right now because it is the reason I didn't make friends. I tried. I joined book clubs, took classes, but I found myself unwilling and unable to open up. I lied about where I grew up, what my husband did for work and tried to avoid mentioning I was married so that his plight wouldn't come up at all.  So yeah the whole thing (or how I was coping with it) just was not conducive to new relationships so I adjusted. I became very good at entertaining myself. At first I was lonely but eventually I stopped noticing at all. Once I moved back to New England  I assumed I would jump right back into the social world.

As it turned out I don't notice being alone anymore. Entertaining myself is so natural now that it doesn't ever occur to me to call, text, message or visit people. I want to see them, I really, really do but it does not occur to me that I should invite them somewhere. I can find so much to do on my own that I am perfectly fine to just do that. It's like I forgot I have the option of hanging out with friends. Still sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone other than my husband or a four year old, and it is a little lonely. So this year a vow to actually make plans with my friends and maintain relationships. I never thought I would forget how to do that.

Money management is something I've gotten worse at over the years but I'd still say it is a strong point. That being said, money management seems impossible when you are living pay check to pay check. Now that that is not the case for me it's time to start doing what I rock at,budgeting, saving and paying down debt. That is another thing my situation made me forget how to do. Only that time the situation was college. This is what I will be working on this year. I'm pretty excited about it!

Holidays in the Present

I have been thinking about how holidays change as you get older. When you are a kid it is a magical time of year filled with excitement and anticipation. Then at some point the magic fades, it is still fun but the anticipation just isn't there. This happened around 8th grade for me.

The only thing I really liked about living so far away from my family for 2 years was that we got to go home for 2 weeks every Christmas. Suddenly the holiday season was filled with magic and anticipation and a more mature inexpressable sense of safety and security and family.

As magical as it was, that magic existed because the rest of the year was trying,tumultuous and lonely. Last year I noticed that the Christmas season was not as exciting but in ways not as stressful. All of this brings me to how I feel about the holidays right now, in the present.

I do have a tendency to think these years of our lives don't really count. I'll place all the blame on my parents, aunts, and uncles. Flip through family photo albums and here is what I will see. (I'm thinking specifically about holiday pictures here) I will see Christmas while they grew up, an "uneventful" Christmas or two. My parents "first Christmas" and then mine. Not long after my arrival there are pictures of my oldest cousin, my sister, the next two cousins, then the family babies. This portrayal is not a totally accurate account of what happened, but it is am accurate account of my perception growing up.As I looked at these growing up it seemed very clear that these all adult holidays should be kept to a minimum.

At the same time, I recall a sort of wonder about those years. They seemed free and spontaneous, I remember thinking that those years were when my parents were living THEIR lives and that they were most truly themselves at that point.

Yet, now that I am at that age it seems to be the opposite. These are the years between my real life of education and my real life of being settled, or at least that is how I was feeling. I am finding that I am turning a corner, starting to see this as just as valid a part of my life as anything before or after.

Back to my original point. As my family grew up holidays started to feel lack luster because they were not as exciting. Now I am finding them as fun as they were before. I look forawrd to seeing my siblings and hearing about what they are doing. I have discovered an amazing understanding and unity of having an entirely adult family. For better or for worse we are more friends now and our manner is unnervingly causal. I'm starting to think we'll look back on these adult only holidays with a special fondness as a time when we were at oddly similar places in our lives.

More Thankfulness

13- I'm thankful for a beautiful day for a hike!

14- I'm thankful for a clear head and a plan, it feels pretty awesome.

15- I'm thankful for little surprises like homemade waffles.

16- I'm thankful for a brother and sister who are just great people. I know I already said family but this one is different to me so there.

17- I hate to say it, but I'm thankful to live in MA with the health insurance rules, it makes life and life decisions way easier to make.

18- I'm thankful that my apartment manager is so cool! They called me to let me know there was a car parked in my space and they found me somewhere else to park.

19- I'm thankful for parents who are willing to store furniture I don't have room for now but really don't want to lose.

20- I am thankful for a boss last year who taught me how to let go of items and de-clutter, my life has been improved by it.

21- I'm thankful to live in a country that is so free and has so much. I realize this probably seems like the wrong year (decade?) to say that but I think every now and then it's important to get a little perspective. We're in trouble absolutely, but we are better off than a lot of places and that is still something to be thankful.

22- I am thankful that I am working so much I feel like I have no time. The opposite problem is far worse.

23- I'm thankful for ice cream!

24- I'm thankful for modern technology that makes it so easy to stay connected.

Thankfulness

So lots of people do thankful fb statuses during November. I prefer to do it this way.


1-I'm thankful for my understanding husband who is incredible patient with me.

2-I'm thankful for my health.

3- I'm thankful for my new job!

4- I'm super thankful that I live in New England again!

5- I'm thankful to hear good news from a friend.

6- I'm thankful for my new apartment.

7-I'm thankful for my pups and how happy they make me.

8- I'm thankful for my family.

9- I'm thankful for chai tea.

10- I'm thankful to live in a city that allows me so many opportunities.

11-I'm thankful for friends to go out with!

12- I am thankful for a well stocked freezer and a 2011 that has been SO MUCH better than 2010. I'm so happy to finally be able to ring IN a new year instead of tell the old one not to let the door hit it on the way out.

Being Mature (well, trying to be...)

I can't sleep because I am frustrated with myself. I know my work performance has not been exactly what it should be and that frustrates me because really there is no reason for that. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in any work related "drama." Admittedly at a job with 100% female employees that is super difficult to do. I have a tough skin which is to my advantage, but I also have a quick wit and tend to lack a filter, especially when I think what I have to say is undeniably clever, which is to my disadvantage. So basically find myself in a perfect position to be a complete bitch. I am pretty un-phased by what others about me and not unrelenting in what I think about them. This is not who I want to be at all. I know better.

I keep promising that  I will keep my thoughts to myself. It's going to be tricky this week especially. I have one person who I know I can let lose with and she won't be around. I feel safe with her, I know everything is between us. So today I forgot who I was talking to and decided to be brilliantly funny for a different audience. That was not cool of me. I shouldn't do things like that because I don't know who else will hear about it. And more importantly I shouldn't be like that at all. I know better and I did it anyway and I'm super angry at myself for it and now I am having trouble sleeping.

I mean this is normal I think, but I don't want to be normal I want to be better than normal. I know that the root of the problem lies in that fact that I am lacking emotional outlets to release this stress elsewhere. I am working on fixing that but it's a process for me because of my situation. At least I am actively trying to fix it. Until then I need to focus I need to remember to be respectful. Working the shifts I have this week will not make that super easy.

A Reminder to Myself

Breath, keep the big picture in mind. This is a stepping stone and a way to explore options easily. It is a way to make some money and to keep myself alive. J has been where I am now and I need to keep that in mind. This is not a popularity contest, the aggravations are not meant as personal attacks. No one is mad at me. I'm not here to make people like me I just need to make sure my job is done well. This too shall pass.

Clearing My Mind

I can't sleep and I need to clear my mind. I know that for far too long I have had no form of stress relief and that because of that I now have no outlet. I know what I want to do to relieve stress but I have no money to do that with. I'm in such a tricky place because of that. If I pay money to allow me to do a hobby that will cause me stress but if I continue to allow myself to have no hobby that will cause my stress. I do not know what I should do.

I am trying to not let the stress of my life get to me too badly. I try so hard to leave the negativity behind so it doesn't suck the life out of me but it is absolutely failing. It's failing because I have no outlet. Where will I ever find this money to relieve the stress that having no money causes? I have lots of things I can do in my home to relieve stress but that will not provide me with fellowship of people my age so it will only get me so far. Until I have friends I'm fairly certain this stress will be unending. I think I'm going to go play with budgets to find the money for me time before I die.

Falling in Love Again

A cheesy post just in time for Valentines Day

I have a new co-worker who I think is really great. One thing about her that cracks me up though is that she is obsessed with the idea of getting married. I personally can completely understand because I have been there. She's a helpless romantic as I am, plus I think on a sub conscience level I think being married represents stability and certainty in life. She is older than me by a mere 10 days so that fact that I am creeping toward my 3rd anniversary is a topic of interest for her.

I spent Friday fielding questions about how J and I met, how I could have possibly known he was that one, and what my wedding was like. To be honest I haven't thought about my wedding in much detail at all since my wedding so reminiscing on Friday was an enlightening experience.

There is a lot I would change about my wedding day if I could, specifically I got talked into a much bigger affair than I would have chosen. That sounds insane because there were maybe 35 people there, but it's true. In my fantasy I would have liked about 10, but the cuts get too deep at that point and it's just not realistic. I was getting married on a deadline, 5 months from proposal to wedding day. When I look back on it I realize that I was just making decisions quickly to get them out of the way. I didn't get to spend a lot of time on them because I had much more important things to do like get good grades in the 3 most important classes for my major.

 Of course this is a little different than what co-worker would like for her big day and she asked lots of questions about it. As I answered them I realized that I did one thing right about my wedding day. During the planning I had one mantra, I wanted to make official to God and our families what James and I had known almost immediately, that we were committed for life. (And I figured why not make it official to the State of New Hampshire as well, for the tax break? lol) When I answer her questions I realize that I really kept my priorities in sight. I went there that day to make a commitment to J and that's what I did and I was too in love to let any details (like the fact that a lighting bolt killed the CD player so we had no music) phase me.

One of the rings I really like

I was unable to answer any questions about my ring however, as far as how many carats it is or things of that nature. (In fact, I thought only diamonds were measured in carats, turns out my aquamarine ring is too! I so fail at being girly.) When I got home I headed to the website where I my engagement ring to get some estimated answers. it is  I talked myself down before I even entered the web address. "Don't get your heart set on anything you already have your ring..." ect ect. I thought for sure looking at all those rings would leave me lusting after something, after all I'm only human.

another ring I think is beautiful

As I scrolled through the pages I saw some and though "that's cute," "I would have like that one too, " "that would have made a nice engagement ring," then suddenly I was my ring. As soon as I saw it all others faded from my mind, they are all very nice but this one is perfect for me.  It's everything I have ever fantasied about in a piece of cold overpriced metal and rock. Every detail screams that it was made for me and when I saw it I had no doubt that it was the perfect choice.

MY RING!!!!!!!!!!

The experience gave me butterflies and wedding jitters all over again. The symbolism was not lost on my highly literary mind. It was a perfect analogy for J. There are more stylish men, men who could enjoy Shakespeare with me, even men who share my desire to never ever leave Boston with me, but when I see J they fade out of view. Everything about him screams that he is perfect for me and I have no doubt in my mind that no one could even tolerate me at my worst, and he loves me on those days. I have spent the entire weekend in newly wed bliss. Every time I look at him I get butterflies. This re-falling in love with the same person thing is pretty crazy when you think about it, I guess I must really love him. 

notes: the website is www.antiquejewelrymall.com and I really had my heart set on an aquamarine engagement ring which is why all the pictures are of aquamarines. All the ring pictures are from the site.

Why I'm Addicted to TV

I wrote this a while ago but just now got around to posting it.

My sister laughs at me for being a TV junky. She finds it funny because she says I was never very interested in TV growing up. I've only given it a little bit of thought until this week. Wednesday when I got home from work I looked up a particular episode of a guilty pleasure show and on Netflix and watched it. The feeling was so cathartic that as soon as the credits started to roll I dragged the cursor (or whatever that button on the bottom is called) back to the beginning and watched it again. After that I dragged it to one particular scene and watched it again. I was in the middle of watching it a fourth time when people came home. I suddenly felt silly and shut my computer down to visit with them, all the while feeling very agitated.

This sounds ridiculous and I feel even more ridiculous now that I've written it down. The whole incident has bugged me and made me really think about why I do this. I think I've found a some what suitable answer.

I love TV shows with an element of fantasy ( or better yet  anything unrealistic) to them. This doesn't have to be anything huge, it can be realitively subtle. For the purpose of this post I will say that three of my all time favorite TV show are Glee, The Gilmore Girls, and Dexter. (Dexter does not seem to fit, but it does for reasons I will explain.) All shows are in many ways based in reality but all of them have things about them that the make the audience suspend their disbelief for example many of the musical numbers in Glee, the crazy idallic town in Gilmore Girls, or the fact Dexter works in a police department and no one suspects he's a serial killer.

All of these shows have something other than unbelievable elements to them. The emotions portrayed in the shows are realistic, close to home, and portrayed very well by cast, writers, and directors. This is why I think I've become addicted to TV shows. They allow me to experience emotions with a realitive amount of detachment. Four years ago I was in other my head and I could not deal with the intense emotions I was feeling. That's about the same time my fasination with TV and movies started. I think it is also why I like movies and shows with a very present element of insanity. It gives me enough detachment to allow me to feel really safe in vicariously experiencing emotions that I don't want to actually feel.

I came to this realization while watching the same handful of scenes on repeat. I had decided to watch them based on a converstaion I had with J the night before. I was trying to explain to him how frustrating it was to deal with emotions that I had no right to feel anyway. Spefically feeling protective and responsible for a person who I am not actually responsible for. J could not understand the idea of feelin emotions that I know I shouldn't feel.

It reminded me of an episode we watched once that bought up this exact conversation. In the epsiode a character breaks down about her jealousy of a relationship when she is also in a relationship. J felt she was being a big jerk because she clearly wanted to have things both ways. I found it tragic because clearly she knew she had no rigt to be jealous which only makes the jealousy more difficult to deal with.

Obviously watching this episode over and over was helping me deal with an extremely emotional issue that I couldn't deal with on my own. Or rather, it wasn't helping me deal with it, it was helping me experience it with a nice safe level of detachment. It sounds so unhealthy the way I wrote it, but it's more of an intial coming to terms than anything. I just wrote this to help me think about why it is I've become so obsessed with TV.

Boring Little Update

I can't sleep so I thought I might come here and try to c;ear my mind. I don't really have anything to write so I thought I'd check in with my new years Resolutions. I haven't had a bad first week.


Lose 1o lbs, At the beginning of the week I was off to an OK start, but I was sabotaged w/ a company dinner, a lack of low fat foods half way through the week and getting out of a movie too late to make dinner, I plan to create this weeks menu ahead of time to avoid a repeat of that.


Read 10 books- To be honest a younger version of myself would be horrified that 10 books is my goal. i used to read that in a month, but life has been crazy and I'm a huge believer in setting only realistic expectations for myself. I finished one this week and started another. I really want to get a library card, maybe today I will. If I do not though, I have a lot of reading material here. J has books I'd like to read and I have a ton of anthologies with good stories in them I've never read I feel like I should read them first but I would also like to read something other than a classic now and then.


Go back to church- I tried on last week. Everyone was nice but I am looking for a younger environment. This week I am going to try one in Boston because I really think that's where I will find a younger crowd. 


Get the dogs out for longer walks- I accomplished this almost everyday this week, I'm so proud of me and J . It requires getting up super early on days that we are tired but I feel we owe it to them. 


Practice piano- I didn't do this at all this at all last week. I will do it today though. I feel like checking in weekly may be very helpful to my long term success. 


Be more organized. It was my first 40 hour week in 3 months so this wasn'y a huge priority of mine, But I feel I did all right.

Idle Time

At church yesterday the sermon was about self improvement. Kind of a Christian New Year's Resolution theme. At one point the pastor said something that struck me, because it was something I'd been thinking about. She said that in order to make a positive change you have to figure out what's in the way of that change and why you've been holding on to it. That is a pretty extreme paraphrase on my part, and the sentence is a grammatical abomination, but it helped me get some perspective on something that has been bothering me. 

In the past two years I have become an expert at wasting time. It might be the only thing I am still good at.J and I are addicted to the internet and TV shows. It never used to be like this, but now they seem to steal our time until we don't have time to do the things we once enjoyed. When I think about the root of the problem the answer is so obvious.

Our reality was unbearable. The problem of feeling immoral for his/ our involvement in the military in and of itself may not have been unbearable but feeling that way in a town that was so loyal to the military was awful. (I have heard that few military bases are surrounded by town with such blind support for the military which made our situation that much more frustrating.) It was pretty hard to hide that we weren't from the area and as soon as people pinned you for not being local they assumed the military had something to do with it. What was worse was that almost everyone had some kind of military passed that they were obnoxiously proud of and assumed we were too. The thing that we lost sleep over hating was rubbed in our faces everyday.

At that point in our lives I don't blame us for becoming addicted to something, anything that would keep our minds occupied. The problem is I believe I have forgotten how to live in the present. I have a much better reality now but I am still wasting all my time keeping my thoughts at arms length. One of the over riding theme for my life right now is to learn how to exist with my thoughts again and how to break my idle time habit.

New Years Survey thing

I found this on a very neat blog http://huntressofnostalgia.blogspot.com/2010/12/picture-of-me-2010-from-facebook-notes.html I really liked it so I did it as well.






Part 1~~ 2010 questions:

1. What was your most significant accomplishment in 2010?  

Graduating from college

2. Is there any one choice you made that you would change in 2010?

I don't really think so. The most frustrating thing about the past 2 years of my life has been that I make really good, well thought out decisions and then lots of things happen after the fact that make the decisions seem like a bad on, but it was a good one at the time. (I have no idea if that makes any sense.) 

3. What was your favorite band/singer in 2010?

I have enjoyed being back in a play that has radio stations that play good music! I've been listening to a lot of Kings of Leon, Glee soundtrack stuff, Muse and Mumford and Sons and other things

4. What was your favorite movie of 2010?

Hmm, I really enjoyed Despicable Me and Toy Story 3 and of course the new Harry Potter. I'm trying to think of good serious movies I saw this year, but nothing comes to mind. 

5. What is your favorite food/dish in 2010?

Well Tacos will always be a favorite, and I perfected my home made pizza technique this year. Beyond that J and I learned how to make some excellent egg rolls and I got a crock pot for Christmas 2009 that served me incredibly well this past year.

6. Favorite Restaurant in 2010?

Salas when we were in OK, Sunset Cantina now that we're in Boston

7. Favorite and worst tv show in 2010?

Favorite: I am a bog fan of Netflix and Hulu that let me watch old episodes or cancelled shows. This I discovered and became obsessed with Dexter, waited patiently for Parks and Recreation to return to the air, and discovered at the recommendation of J's old professor a cancelled show called Firefly that is as ridiculous and quirky as it is awesome. 

Worst: I really don't know because I watch TV exclusively online, we started some shows and didn't really care for them but I doubt they were the worst shows on TV. 

8. Favorite Clothing Store in 2010?

I shopped at oldnavy.com because the price is right and I know what my sizes are, but I wouldn't say it's my favorite.

9. Favorite activity in 2010?

hiking, blogging, working, MOVING!

10. Describe yourself in 5 words for 2010.

frustrated, optimistic, maturing, exploring, nurturing (I realize I should probably choose more adjectives and fewer verbs but oh well.)

11. Your style in 2010?

Plan t shirts and plan jeans. There is no point to having nice clothes when your a nanny to busy boys.

12. Most common sounds in your home in 2010?

The pups barking

13. What's on your bedside table in 2010?

a glass of water, cough drops, tissues

14. Your favorite thing hanging on your wall in 2010?

My college degree I'm very proud of it

15. What kind of calendar did you own in 2010?

A New Hampshire calender and a New England calender

16. What was the first thing you did when you got up in the morning in 2010?

Probably took Numa outside

17. What is the most expensive thing you owned in 2010?

My car or my engagement ring I'm not actually sure which is worth more

18. What item you own holds the most value for you in 2010?

This is a strange question to me because there are lots of different ways to define value but i'm going to say the picture of my family on Christmas Day 2008 will always be very near and dear to me.

19. Your favorite book of 2010?

Sadly, I haven't read as much as I would like Oryx and Crake and The Year of The Flood by Margaret Atwood were my favorites. I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for the 3rd one.

Part 2 ~~ Your life

1. If you could change one life choice you made, what would it be?

In my entire life? I would have waited a few more years to get married but it's alright we're making it work

2. Who (in your life)  are you are most like?

J

3. Who is the most influential person in your life?

This year was Melissa for sure. She taught me a lot about the delicate balancing act between when to stand your ground and yell and when it's not worth it. She taught me a lot more about what is important in life and what is just stuff. 

4. Name 3 best friends you have had in your lifetime. (And tag em' if they're friends!)

Sarah

Katie

Tara

5. Favorite family heirloom?

I think the only one I have is a hand mirror from my great grandmother. Oh and I have a ring from my grandmother I would like to have sized to my finger someday.

6. Favorite childhood keepsake?

My journals

7. What's your dream job, and are you

doing it?

I don't know what my dream job is yet,  but I very much enjoy what I'm doing right now. Anytime I am helping people and feeling fulfilled I'm happy

8. If you didn't have to work for $$ what would you do with your time?

I would donate my time to charities especially ones that involve better education for children, other than that I would just have more time to spend on reading and writing and other things I already do.

9. What are you most thankful for in 2010?

Being back home with my family

10. What celebrity do you admire in 2010?

Admire is too strong of a word, but every episode I am just stunned at how talented Chris Colfer (Kurt) from Glee is.

Part 3~~ This Year (2011)

1. If you won the lottery this year, what would you spend it on??

Pay off debts, help family pay off debts, save enough to get J through Law School and me through a Masters program, donate money to charities, who knows

2. What do you want to change about your life in 2011?

I need to get back on track financially because 3 months out of work was pretty awful, once that's over I just want to make some friends and have some fun.

3. What do you want to accomplish in 2011?

I want a year that is more relaxing than the last 3 have been.

4. Describe in 5 words what kind of person you want to be in 2011?

confident, capable, happy, relaxed, responsible

5. What is one quality you want to change about yourself in 2011?

I'm pretty happy with myself as I am, but I'd like to have fewer panic attacks.

6. What is your new years resolution for 2011? (If you have one?)

I don't take New Years resolutions seriously but I still have them so here they are

-lose 10 lbs, 

-read 10 books

- go back to Church

-be more organized

-get the dogs out for longer walks

-practice piano more often

January 2, 2008 Pantoum

The pantoum is an incredible form of poetry that I find very well suited to issues that I have not fully dealt with yet. I find them even more therapetic than artistic but I like them for both reasons. I found a this link to help me explain what a pantoum is if anyone would like to know, and to prove I am not making this up. 

January 2, 2008

If things had happened like we thought,

we would have packed and ran.

Fueled with idealism and naivety;

living  only for love and justice.

We would have packed and run.

We had nothing figured out .

Living only for love and justice;

it seemed so simple in our heads

We had nothing figured out.

Fantasying about a mundane life.

It seemed so simple in our heads.

Living by conviction is never simple or mundane.

Fantasying about a mundane life,

we made bold and rash decisions.

Living by conviction is never simple or mundane,

still I like sleeping with a clear conscience

We made bold and rash decisions.

Nothing turned out as we hoped,

still I like sleeping with a clear conscience.

Never could have known how right we were.

Nothing turned out as we hoped,

but it turned out as it should.

Never would’ve known how right we were,

if things had happened as we planned.

Like Mirrors

My parents had all their children very close in age. I am the oldest, 22 months later they had my sister and 26 months after that they had my brother. There is a lot to be said about having siblings so close in age. Now that we are in our 20's (or very close to it) the gap is starting to close and we are beginning to realize how close in age we really are. An odd added benefit of this is it keeps me in touch with where I was two and four years ago. This serves a double purpose of keeping me humble and reminding myself that I wasn't always the mature responsible individual I am now, and it helps me see how far I've come in two short years.

This is really affecting me right now. I live with my sister so the comparisons happen in my mind constantly. She will say something that I think to myself sounds a little immature and I immediately think about whether I would have said the same thing two years ago; the answer is almost always yes. The more this happens the more I think "have I really grown up so much in two years?" I  have but  my next question is "should have I grown up so much in two years?" That is a question I will continue to puzzle over.

I'm a Book Snob!

I have a friend who posted this as a Facebook note the other day. I don't really like this list because it seems to focus more on "national literary" than on the individual worthiness of each book. When I was an English major we defined national literacy as the literature people need to be familiar with because it is often referenced in their society. The best example is probably the Bible. Even if you're not religious chances are you are familiar with the most common Biblical motifs because they are everywhere. 


But enough of my rambling. Basically here is a list of books that someone deemed worthy of this list. I have highlighted the one's I've read. I don't agree with a lot of this list but I always find it interesting to see what books are considered important.

Have you read more than 6 of these books?  The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen    This is a good example of a book author that I do not find worthy of any list. Mark Twain said that a library without any work by Jane Austen would be a good library even if it had no other books in it. He really hated her work. If you're ever in need of a laugh I recommend Googling "Mark Twain Jane Austen" 

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - Surprisingly good!

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible- I haven't read the whole Bible, but I'm pretty sure most people haven't. I have read at least 12 books of the Bible from beginning to end though.

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 1984 - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare 

15 Rebecca

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife-- This is one that I don't understand why it made the list

20 Middlemarch -- George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited -- Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment -- Fyodor Dostoevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis 

37 The Kite Runner

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown Another one I don't find deserving of any list 

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel García Márquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd -Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafón

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens 

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (unfortunately)

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (some of his short stories)

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams I'm reading this right now

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo


Many of these have been on my "to read" list for a while. Now I have to get busy!!