Taking the Scenic Route

Yesterday I wrote (very wittily if I do say so myself) that this blog is about taking the scenic route through life. Since writing it I've been thinking about what it means and why I do it. This post is going to be my ramblings on that topic.

When I wrote that I take the scenic route I meant that I deviate from the prescribed path for success that we get fed so much in middle and high school. I have no problem with that path, except that it is delivered as one- size- fits- all recipe for success. It does not take the individual into account at all, or even describe what it considers to be success. The one thing I am immensely proud of is that I was able to see that the “do well in school, get good grades, do lots of extracurricular activities, go to college, come out four years later super awesome” method was not going to work for me.

I am proud of this because it took self awareness and bravery to be able to understand why this wouldn’t work for me. I was able to understand that I had been going through school on auto-pilot and needed a break to actually experience my life, and I was brave enough to actually do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it was really scary. I could hear all the voices of guidance counselors and principals saying that people who take a break never go back (which is a pet peeve of mine for another day.) I knew I’d go back, I knew I’d finish, but what good would a degree be for me if I still had no idea who I was?

Of course I am giving myself way too much credit here. It’s not like I took a break and sailed around the world. I was married (waaaaay too young I might add,) and I went to live on the other side of the country. If I had it to do again I wouldn’t have been married and I would have taken a solo adventure of some kind. Still, as it was it was a very good decision. I left loose, I learned about myself and I learned what I could and couldn’t control. I took the best job ever, and that I can’t take credit for. That was all God, or luck or fate if you are so inclined. I got to learn how to kick back and have fun. I got to relive a small part of my life that I’d felt I’d missed all while getting paid.

Now I am home, married, and living the college life. I am working and going to school, but for the first time with enough money to take an occasional night or weekend to have fun. I love my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I was rambling through this, but it felt good.

Nightmares/ Adjustments and Who Knows

I know that MA is a much better place for me to be living but I really hate adjustments. Right now I feel guilty and stupid about every decision I make. I have nightmares EVERY SINGLE night and I just can't shake them. It makes waking up stressful and I've waken up with a killer headache every single morning since I moved. I am depressed over Grampa, scared and depressed about where I am with my life and I am intimidated about what the heck my next moves will be. Ugh I hate this.

Moved in

I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but at least James and I can see the apartment floor. I think he's liking the city as much as I am. I enjoy walking to the store while we talk about what's fir dinner. I love the simplicity of having everything I need within walking distance. I have no idea how I will feel once the honeymoon phase is over, but right now I love my new home.

Time

Tonight I'm not using specifics and I am operating on a worse case scenario basis. I am rolling with my thoughts. I have trouble praying because I almost feel like it's telling God I don't trust him. I have been praying for him but I also believe God has a plan for everything. I am sad but I am peaceful. He has had a good life and a a full one. I am grateful for the relationship we have. Grateful that he saw me get married, grateful that he got to "know" about my graduation. I am sad that that didn't happen for other people, but I can't worry about that. I just believe that life just happens and I have to make the best of it that I can. And that's what I am doing. He has taught me so much and he is the person who brought me to church. My life is a good one. I am sad that my moves are always so emotional but that is life. I am at peace. Sadness is natural, death is part of life.

11 Days

The days are just flying by at this point. I feel like I am running a marathon. I'm constantly exhausted but there is so much more to go so I just keep moving. I'm very proud of what I accomplished today though. I ended services at our current place and got them set up at the new place. I found out that I will indeed graduate in September (FINALLY!!!) I cleaned the kitchen, made pizza from scratch, talked to S and landed at least some temporary employment at in the city.

This job is temporary at the moment because I am going to be babysitting and the mom wants to make sure we mesh, but if we do I believe this will be a very good thing. She has tons of information about the field I want to go into and I think she can help me open the right doors. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be, and if it is then it will all work out.

And of course talking to S was wonderful. She understands everything about this awkward transitional moment we are stuck in, and the frustration that even though we did everything right, circumstances beyond us landed us in a horrible position to get jobs. I am so happy to have her to talk about these things to, and I cannot wait to be close again.

Thoughts, 21 days

Ugh, I'm sleepy, but now that I've started this habit it's impossible to sleep without it. (Which is both good and bad.)I'm going to try to get this out quick and I'll deal with punctuation later.

First of all I love that I am getting over the misplacement of my anger issues with the army. I still have a long way to go and will still avoid the shortest line in Wal-Mart if it means I would have to stand next to someone in uniform, but it's not affecting how I get to know people. Essentially it is still affecting my view of passing strangers, but not affecting my ability to get to know somebody. I have met a few people recently who I genuinely like to have military careers that leave them fulfilled and I am able to see them as decent human begins even good, albeit flawed, people. (But who among us is not flawed?) I have found more peace than I have ever expected to gain and I am so grateful for that lifted burden.

Secondly I have been making peace with a lot of past frustration. This peace stems from an incident, but it's not important to name that incident. Basically I have been realizing that I expect everyone to approach problems with a similiar mind set and skill set as my own. Obviously that's not going to happen. What's more is I've been engaging in the useless practice of giving people advice that I had to learn the hard way. It is the most pointless venture I can imagine. It's like giving a 13 year old a high school diploma and expecting to be able to survive in college. The paper is meaningless without the work it took to earn it.

I'm not saying that people never listen, but a lot of the time I feel like I am giving them extremely valuable information, that they are not mentally ready to use yet because they haven't had the experience to prepare themselves mentally. I am so totally rambling.

Lastly, I'm over my self righteousness about what I did for myself and what I went without. I have realized that everyone is a victim of their circumstance and I shouldn't judge people based on theirs anymore than I would want to be judged based on mine. Actually the one thing I am going to mis about the culture out here is the socioeconomic culture. I feel much more at comfortable and middle class than I ever did or probably will at home. My mind is still going 90 miles an hour but I'm done typing now. Goodnight.

Day 22

Tired, not too much to write, but I really want to get something written down from now until Boston. I cannot believe it is already Thursday this week flew and the next few will too, and then I will be gone. I am excited though because I have had it up to my eyeballs with stories about domestic abuse in this state. I'm starting to feel like there is something wrong with the water that's making people think this is normal.