As the title implies, I hate May. It's the season of graduations and weddings and both are just knives in a nerve. I will graduate, I am done all my classwork and simply waiting on paperwork, but I will never walk. I missed my opportunity for that because I'm awesome. Not that it's a big deal, but that for me is the point. I don't allow anything in my life to be important, or a big deal or even about me for that matter.
That is also the reason I hate wedding season. I wanted like 10 people in my front yard, that was it. Instead I ended up with a ridiculous budget wedding that i'm not really sure how it happened. It's not what J wanted and it's not what I wanted, but life was moving so quickly it was over a year before I realized I didn't even like my wedding. I was just making decisions rapid fire because decisions needed to be made. Again, all that really matters is that we are married in teh eyes of God, our family, and the state of NH, but I didn't allow that to be a celebration either. I was moving through life so fast for a while. My 21st was a complete non event as well.
I'm not really upset with how things turned out but that really only makes it worse. So basically I had to live cloistered in order to get to this place in my life. I find that irritating and horribly unfair.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Whole Story
And finally I can tell my whole story, or more of it anyway. It’s been a long frustrating battle but it’s over now and I am soooooo happy .
So my hubby joined the Army Reserves when he was 18. He concurrently was in ROTC at college and planned to be a career military officer. After 2 years in ROTC he decided he would do his 4 years and get out. At the time we were friends, nothing more but I already could feel the tension growing. He got more and more frustrated as the years went on, but he was still convinced that his cause was a normal one. We got married right after he graduated from college, and I was trying to graduate early.
That’s when it all went to shit. A few weeks after graduating he got “volunteered” to run ROTC’s version of Basic Training. There he found that it was a regular occurrence for officers who had screwed up to blame someone of a lower rank. That he could have dealt with, but eventually he was being COMMANDED to lie to corroborate their stories. He got some cadets in serious trouble doing this, for things they didn’t even do. He was sick about it and hated himself.
After 6 months of soul searching he decided to write a letter of resignation and see what happened. What happened is they said “no” to his resignation. So he decided getting out was the only option he could live with and that he would do it by any means necessary, and most importantly he would not participate in anything he felt was illegal or immoral along the way. Doing it this was took just under two years.
So my hubby joined the Army Reserves when he was 18. He concurrently was in ROTC at college and planned to be a career military officer. After 2 years in ROTC he decided he would do his 4 years and get out. At the time we were friends, nothing more but I already could feel the tension growing. He got more and more frustrated as the years went on, but he was still convinced that his cause was a normal one. We got married right after he graduated from college, and I was trying to graduate early.
That’s when it all went to shit. A few weeks after graduating he got “volunteered” to run ROTC’s version of Basic Training. There he found that it was a regular occurrence for officers who had screwed up to blame someone of a lower rank. That he could have dealt with, but eventually he was being COMMANDED to lie to corroborate their stories. He got some cadets in serious trouble doing this, for things they didn’t even do. He was sick about it and hated himself.
After 6 months of soul searching he decided to write a letter of resignation and see what happened. What happened is they said “no” to his resignation. So he decided getting out was the only option he could live with and that he would do it by any means necessary, and most importantly he would not participate in anything he felt was illegal or immoral along the way. Doing it this was took just under two years.
That time was stressful and heart wrenching. We went through the whole thing 2000 miles away from family, the whole time never knowing when we’d make it back. We lived a lie to pretty much everyone we met, we couldn’t just share this story in a military town. But it’s over now, he’s out, and he never has to go back. This is the short version
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I feel light
I feel a sense of peace that I have never before felt in my life. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I know I am headed in the right direction and I know that I don't need all the answers right now. I am in love with some one who makes my life better, I have my priorities where they should be and I am ready for this step.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Relieved
After much waiting J finally has his discharge papers, the ones we've been waiting a year and a half for. I am so relieved it's completely unreal. I feel like J and I are finally living, not simply existing. I am already planning our next move and it feels so wonderful to actual be able to plan without all the uncertainty. We have a date for moving, August. It's not "if your out by August" it's actually, really August. It has been almost 2 years since I've had that much certainty in my life. The last time I was this sure of a date was my wedding.
J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.
I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.
I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.
This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.
I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.
J has given me full control over when we move and to where. I am so appreciative of this because it tells me that he really appreciates everything I've put up with for so long. It's also good because I've come to the realization recently that I've never really made my own decisions. I have always simply reacted to the situation that was put in front of me. My therapist said that I would have trouble making my own decisions, and maybe that's what motivated me to be so good at this one. I was extremely nervous about making such a big decision, so I decided to go with my gut and never look back. Thus I decided Boston in August.
I never would have been able to make such a big decision a year ago. I would have over thought it to death until finally the decision was made for me by some outside force. In many ways I have the awful situation of the past year to thank for this. For one thing being a nanny has seriously taught me to trust my gut instinct. When I first started working with this family their son would ask me lots of questions and I'd say "let me think about it." (One he used to ask about a lot was wanting cold medicine when his brother had some even if he wasn't sick.) I have found that I never ask for time to "think about it" anymore. I know the answers instinctively. This makes me so happy because it is something that I identified two years ago as a weakness that I do not feel is a weakness for me anymore.
I also have this situation to thank because without it, I never would have realized my tendency to let other people or factors make my decisions for me. I realize I probably would have noticed it eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. Being married to someone in the military would have meant having almost all my decisions made for me. Living where I live now I see people everyday who are newly out of the military and have trouble making any decisions beyond the most basic ones for themselves. It's not their fault, they just never really learned how to make certain kinds of decisions on their own because they were always made for them.
This bizarre extended state of flux has left me with a lot of time to think, which is all I've been wanting since I was 15. Time for me to be quite and learn who I am and what is important to me. True to my form I had to learn under fire, but at least I learned. And what I learned most 1) how much I really don't know about myself and 2) how to learn and grow as an adult.
I am feeling extremely confident as I head into this new chapter of my life. It's a weird kind of confidence that I never even knew I didn't have. (And yes, I know that makes no sense.) For the first time I feel relaxed. The future is full of uncertainty but I can handle it. I feel a peace that I have never before known in my life. Everything is telling me that this is the right move to make and I making it without any reservations.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Here I am, half way through another week. Exhausted, I bit off more than I could chew yet again this semester. Going back to school as a real adult is seriously tiring and difficult. I have serious respect for anyone who does it.
My Bible as Lit class is super interesting. I actually like the Old Testament as ancient literature much better than I like it as doctrine. I also like reading parts of the Bible straight through. I might make that a resolution. Actually I have not articulated an of my New Years Resolutions this year so I will do that here.
1-lose 20 lbs. My goal is 1 lb per week. I haven't weighted my self in a few days so I don't know how well I am doing.
2- Write an entire book, or an entire book of poems, I have the ideas in my head, it's just about getting them where they need to be. This is the one I really need to work on more.
3-Save $1000.00 It's been a long time since I have been able to put money away so I will start small.
4-Exercise 4 times per week. So far I rode my bike to work once this week. Yeah, not doing so well with this one yet.
5-Read 30 books this year. So far I have read two one was Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood and was awesome. The other I read for a book club. It was called In Another Man's Bed and was awful. Well that is all I have for now, time to get the little man fed and ready for school.
Hopefully I will do this more this year also.
My Bible as Lit class is super interesting. I actually like the Old Testament as ancient literature much better than I like it as doctrine. I also like reading parts of the Bible straight through. I might make that a resolution. Actually I have not articulated an of my New Years Resolutions this year so I will do that here.
1-lose 20 lbs. My goal is 1 lb per week. I haven't weighted my self in a few days so I don't know how well I am doing.
2- Write an entire book, or an entire book of poems, I have the ideas in my head, it's just about getting them where they need to be. This is the one I really need to work on more.
3-Save $1000.00 It's been a long time since I have been able to put money away so I will start small.
4-Exercise 4 times per week. So far I rode my bike to work once this week. Yeah, not doing so well with this one yet.
5-Read 30 books this year. So far I have read two one was Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood and was awesome. The other I read for a book club. It was called In Another Man's Bed and was awful. Well that is all I have for now, time to get the little man fed and ready for school.
Hopefully I will do this more this year also.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Just Babbling
I've been feeling our of sorts this week. Found out some really frustrating information that hasn't helped much. Apparently in his report the psychologist that evaluated hubby actually said that he has paranoid and depressed, like I knew, but that he didn't require help. I don't know what psychologist would say he was paranoid and depressed and still totally fine to be in the army, things like this just make it abundantly clear how the Fort Hood shooting happened. That man is the reason for my disillusionment with, well actually pretty much with people. I really thought people were harder to buy and sell out, but I am learning from this experience that people will be bought and sold for unbelievable low prices.
I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.
Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.
It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.
I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?
This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.
I was over it, I really was. I was over the fact that the man who claimed his job was to help people actually made his job just keeping people in the army. Well not over it, every time I heard about a soldier committing suicide I knew this was part of the problem, my heart raced and my blood boiled. If they would only actually commit themselves to mental health, but retention is their only goal. Ironically I think their numbers would improve if they actually cared about the mental health of the service members and their family. But I had accepted it anyways, I had accepted that people loyalty, their soul, their life can be bought for a few pieces of silver. But reading the report made me crazy.
Why would he lie to our faces then write something entirely different on the report. Or better yet write that a paranoid individual is completely suited for his/ her job as a military officer. That's ludicrous and it shows me that he clearly didn't believe he's responsible to anyone, and really he's not. The army is attacking the people who actually tried to get Major Husan out of the army more than they are attacking the people who did nothing. It's so frustrating to know this, know how few people would believe me and beyond that, how many more people would excuse the behavior because they don't know what else to do. The knowledge of how corrupt the army is (I don't know about the other branches because I am in no way involved with them) is terrifying to me. It's the reason I'm on antidepressants and take multiple pills a day for anxiety. I can't stop whats coming and obsessing over it just makes me seem like I have a god complex.
It scares me and frustrates me. I feel so sad for J. His dream was to be in the army and it's shattered because he cannot be apart of what they are becoming. All over everyday we are surrounded by questions we can't answer. The answers are either incriminating, insulting to the asker, or at the very least controversial.
I'm isolated. I'm in a tiny, tiny bubble with few people who know what's going one, fewer people who understand and few we support. Only maybe one person outside of me and J does all three. I sometimes wonder about the days when my life won't be a huge secret anymore, will I be able to transition back from this guarded state?
This has actually been unbelievable therapeutic.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Starting to Write Again
Friday January 15, 2010
In an attempt to start writing every day I am going to start with a dream dictionary, at least for today because last night’s dream was haunting to me. Meme and Grampa had a friend over who was some life time army guy. He was a super nice guy, but when he started discussing the army with me I couldn’t hold back how I felt and it made me so angry that a nice person could have such opposite views from me about the whole thing. Eventually my inability to deal with the frustration of the encounter lead to me punching a wall and taking a lot of Clonapin to try to basically put me out of my mind. So yeah, there is some obvious reasons for why I had this dream. On a more positive note I have found that taking Clonapin to help me sleep (by avoiding my nightly anxiety attack) doesn’t have the “never-wake-up” affect on me that it used to have, and that my sex life is coming back despite being on Celexa. I guess that means that deep depression was the cause for those things which is good to learn. Plus J coming out of his own depression is endlessly helpful for our marriage. What a crazy first 18 months we’ve had and it looks like it will be another 6 before we are out of the dark. If we can survive our first two years of marriage we can survive anything.
In an attempt to start writing every day I am going to start with a dream dictionary, at least for today because last night’s dream was haunting to me. Meme and Grampa had a friend over who was some life time army guy. He was a super nice guy, but when he started discussing the army with me I couldn’t hold back how I felt and it made me so angry that a nice person could have such opposite views from me about the whole thing. Eventually my inability to deal with the frustration of the encounter lead to me punching a wall and taking a lot of Clonapin to try to basically put me out of my mind. So yeah, there is some obvious reasons for why I had this dream. On a more positive note I have found that taking Clonapin to help me sleep (by avoiding my nightly anxiety attack) doesn’t have the “never-wake-up” affect on me that it used to have, and that my sex life is coming back despite being on Celexa. I guess that means that deep depression was the cause for those things which is good to learn. Plus J coming out of his own depression is endlessly helpful for our marriage. What a crazy first 18 months we’ve had and it looks like it will be another 6 before we are out of the dark. If we can survive our first two years of marriage we can survive anything.
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